The Evans-English Dictionary and other Oddisms...(Revised Edition)

As many of you know my family is famous for either makig up or using phrases that don't make sense and need explanation so I decided to write the first every Evans-English Dictionary to explain our terms. (this is by no means comprehensive) I'll try to use everything in a sentence if possible.

Subject- Better Circumstances

"Comin' up"- to come into a better situation or circumstance.
e.g. Tanika came up (is comin' up), she just got a new job paying good money.

"Layin' on full"- to be doing well either socially, physically, spirtually and especially economically e.g. I know you layin' on full could you loan me a couple of dollars 'til my check come.

"Doin' it big"- doing very well and flaunting it.
e.g. - Uh oh, Tanika's doin' it big, look at her new clothes, those must be Burberry.

Subject - Getting Crazy

"Wilin' out"- to get wild and crazy and do something you wouldn't normally do.
e.g. I'm wilin' out tonight, it's been a long week and I feel like getting crazy.


Subject- Just plain crazy

"Cockeyed Lily" - Someone who has the ability to see in all directions at once because her eyes face different directions.
e.g. I'm Cockeyed Lily, do something behind my back and I'll tell you what it was.

"Dangyball" - an object that is hanging on the end of a string or something of that nature you don't know the name of.
e.g. You have a a dangyball at the back of your throat. OR This woman looked silly today because she didn't know she had a blue dangyball hanging on the back of her dress.

"Snacky Wackys" - the art of adding a y to the ends of words and then repeating the word with a w on the front. So instead of Snack you say snacky wacky or instead of cheese you say cheesy weesy. Used primarily to make yourself sound insane.

"Baby Hair" - the nappy hair at the edge of your scalp you claim is "good hair" i.e. not nappy. You attempt to smooth with gel to make it look "cuite".

"Kitchen" - the back of head (scalp) were naps like to collect.

"Peas" - naps that collect in your kitchen

"Baby Fat" - the gut...oops I meant bare midriff women are determined to show off to the world. Called baby fat for much the same reason it's called "baby hair" in an attempt to make it seem cute when in actual fact it's grotesque.

"Bonkydown" - Any sort of crazy dance you do that expresses your happiness, franticness (word?) 0r insanity
e.g. Tasha was so excited after she won the contest she did the bonkydown.

That's it for the dictionary right now I have to get back to work, but I'd like to leave you with just a litte more crazy.

Crazy nicknames:
My family likes to give nicknames to people that have nothing to do with their real names for example:
Eric - nickname Nuknuk
Andrew - nickname Bonky
Joshua - nickames Jouwoo, Sheboum, Beobutt etc
Tasha - Fafamama
Daniel - Yahyoh
Brianne - Beh
William -Woo, B, Baby Woo
Grandad - (my father) Poopah

But if you think those are crazy you should hear some of the names of my sisters friends or little kids that my mom has taught
-Tiffaniqua
-Jemarkio
-Zjhyvoriah (silent Z)
-R'mani
-Genora

If you have any interesting saying or funny names please feel free to share. As always have a good day and enjoy.

Reasons why I'm triflin'

I've decided to save the post about my trip home until I have time to post pictures as well. But I did want to let you guys know why I'm triflin'. It's simple. I was trying to make sure I had set up a "friends" email account correctly and when I realized I had I noticed some emails from some "people" and of course the titles made me "curious" so I had to read a little bit. Anyway I won't do it again and I'll make sure that I let the "person" know they need to change his/her "password".

Ok that's it for now. Have a good day and enjoy.

East Coasters...

I've definitely been enjoying spending time with my family and unwinding from the fast pace of Los Angeles. Things are definitely a lot slower here in Durham, NC. The other day we were in a restaurant and everyone was moving slowly, eating slowly, talking slowly and suprise surprise no one got impatient or upset by the slow pace. I guess it is a different mentality.

I've been trying to make it a point to observe the people out here so I can think about it when I get back to LA. One thing is certain. People do not get very impatient when they have to wait in line for things. It's like they realize they have to and they don't blow up about it. Not so the Californian. However there are some people out here that would fit in in LA. My older sister for example. She seems to suffer from the Californian road rage. She speeds up driving really fast only to stop on a dime. She gets angry when people don't peel out when the light turns greeen and she makes california left turns. (that means that 2 people can turn left after the light turns red). If it wasn't for her Amish ways she would fit in perfectly in SoCal.

My family is still crazy. I'll be bringing back some interesting phrases when I get to LA. I also think we scared my friend Daniel this weekend because he went to dinner with my family on Saturday and to say we are rowdy is a mild understatement, but he held his own. But I noticed he did laugh a lot. It was like that movie my big fat greek wedding and he was Ian Miller no need to guess who we were. Not helping was the fact that we are from Chicago helping the stereotype. Anyway that's all i have to say for now. I need to hit the showers. I think my sister is going to force us to take a family picture at Sears today. Ugh!!!!

As always have a good day and enjoy.

Button Up!!!

So this Tuesday I'm making tracks for the east coast. Hopefully the leaves will still be changing color and there will be that autumn nip in the air. Sorry all you Californians out there who think you have the best weather in the world. I've learned to keep my mouth shut when people from out here tell me that of course I would want to stay in L.A. it has the best weather in the world. Making comments like "Isn't it great that you can wear shorts and a tank top at Thanksgiving?" While I'm thinking..."Ummm...I don't wear shorts or tank tops!" And believe it or not I actually enjoy NOT getting heat stroke on Christmas Day.

My favorite season is autumn because it's pretty (I know everything is dying) and my allergies don't bother me and it's usually fully of cool winds or BRISK breezes if you prefer. I love it when my cheeks get numb from the cold. I'm a certified weirdo and that's fine. I enjoy having hot cider when I actually need it. Not when I'm acting like it isn't 90 degrees in November and I'm trying to get into the holiday spirit so I drink hot drinks anyway because it's the right time of year while breaking out in a heat rash. Just not my thing.

So I'm gonna visit my family in NC and VA. And hopefully see some friends as well. I'm looking forward to a little calm after the business of L.A. I haven't really been away for any significant bit of time since last year (February) I took a couple of trips to Vegas (but everyone knows that doesn't count) and I also stole away to Vacaville (aka Napa Valley) jk Lauren. I love visiting you. Btw-Dawson wants to visit. I hope you are ready. But it wasn't the same as actually getting away from the big CA for a while and actually seeing the stars and hearing other sounds besides the steady hum of traffic or police sirens. I think my ears will probably ring most of the time, that's what they did when I was in Napa for more than 2 days. They started ringing because I couldn't handle the silence.

I know I haven't written much these days and I'll probably be writing even less because I'll be trying to spend time with my family not time in front of the computer when I'm there. I hope you all have a great week and for those of you celebrating Yom Kippur and Sukkot, May you be inscribed in the book of life. Enjoy the High Holy Days as I will.

As always have a good day and enjoy.

Catching my breath...

O.k. so...it's been a while since I last posted. So many things I wanted to say, but clearly I don't want to rehash the past crazy two weeks so lets see if there are any interesting bits.

I went through director training and a crash course in learning my new job over the past week. This is a picture of the office where I work. I know what you are thinking (those of you who have been to LA), there aren't any trees or waterfalls in LA. That's what I thought as well but there are if you create them. I took my friends children on a field trip to the office on Friday and they had such a good time outside sitting by the waterfall enjoying the breeze in their hair they didn't want to leave. When we got home we had to draw pictures and write a sentence about what we saw.

Lisa and Tyler came home from the hospital last weekend. Lisa's parents are visiting and they are extremely funny...Her mother reminds me of my mom because she makes up funny songs. I guess it's a mom thing although I do it all the time. I guess it must be osmosis.

Next week I'm going back to the east coast to visit my family. I'm very excited. I think my trip to NorCal may have taken the edge off the excitement of flying. Nothing will ever beat having the plane you are flying in be jump started with jumper cables...but that's another story. Below is a picture of the plane we flew it (I think) it's the one on the left. Tiny Cessna-172. I learned a lot about Cessna 172s. (Thanks for the pictures Daniel).


















Alright that's all I have to say for now because I have to get back to work. But I hope you all have a good day and enjoy.

Good News at the 'Nasium!

Don't worry. For those of you awaiting quippy comments about my previous week painting the town red while Daniel was here I will still probably make some more comments, but I wanted to share some other really good news. As you can see from the picture it's always EXCITING times at the Mathnasium where I work. Doesn't little Avrami look excited? He did that on purpose because he knew we were taking pictures. Anyway as most of you know I work part-time at the Mathnasium using the Mathnasium Method to help children learn mathematics. I have to admit that I love this job and the only problem I've ever had with it, is that it isn't full time.

The other day I was riding in the car with my friend and I was telling him that I was thinking of taking some ECE classes at the local college to help broaden my horizons academically since I haven't actually taken any classes that deal directly with educating children. He asked if I was thinking of leaving the Mathnasium and I was like, NO! Actually what I want is to work for the Mathnasium full time with benefits making good money doing what I like to do. That's what I want.

I walked into work and my director Mark said he wanted to talk to me. I got nervous wondering what I had done wrong. But it turns out I was being offered a full time position as director of a Mathnasium that the company is opening up 6 minutes away from my house. Imagine my shock and surprise. Of course I said yes after about 3 minutes of consideration. I started director training today which was interesting. I've been working with the company for a little over a year now so I actually know quite a lot about it all ready. At least the teaching aspects of the job. But I'm still learning the business aspect of the job.

The center I'll be the director of is mainly focusing on children who will attend as a result of the No Child Left Behind gov't grants. Most children attend the Mathnsium because their parents can afford to pay for it, but in reality there are a lot of children who need the same service and can't afford it and that's what No Child Left Behind is about. I think it will be an interesting challenge and I look forward to working closely with one of the companies founders who helped the Mathnasium get the accreditation for gov't approval to use NCLB money.



The only sad part is that I'm leaving the 'nasium where I've been working the past year and I'm really going to miss the children I've been working with. Just look at Francesca...who wouldn't miss a precious angel like this?

Anyway that's all I have to say about that. As always have a good day and enjoy.

News Flash!!!

...beepbeepbeepbeepbeeeeep.....beepbeepbeepbeepbeeeep...dadadadaaaaa....Just wanted to let you guys know (for those who know them) my good friend Lisa went into labor today and is currently on the cusp of having the baby probably within the next few hours. Will post again with more updates. Or rather will update this post.

Update:
Lisa had baby Tyler last night at 7pm pacific time. He weighed in at 8 lbs. even. They are both doing well. Will update when more news occurs.

Update2:
Lisa and baby Tyler James came home this afternoon. They are both doing very well and the other kids are all very interested in the new baby. Dawson spent the afternoon lying on the bed staring at him. Katie pretty much continued as usual and will kept going back and forth looking at him and playing.

Tasting Los Angeles...(Chapter 1 of 3)

As some of you know this past week one of my good friends Daniel came to visit me in "sunny" SoCal. As I said I wasn't sure if LA was ready for him. And in all truth more crazy, funny, and interesting things have happened in or around LA this past week than they have in months. That boy comes over here and the next thing you know everything gets turned on it's head.

It started off with his real reasons for coming to visit LA. I'm sure that had something to do with the chain of events he set in motion by his arrival to the city. I'm sure he didn't come to visit me or his brother and he definitely didn't come to take in the sites. He came for all the good food LA has. What tipped me off was that we spent more time eating at a hole-in-the-wall Oaxacan restaurant than we did at all the LA tourist attractions combined.

We went on to eat at a multitude of restaurants that are difficult to find on the east coast. We had Ethiopian, Persian, Indonesian, and he had Korean BBQ. I didn't realize all the good places there were to eat in this city that I just take for granted are available everywhere. I leave it to Daniel to post what he liked best as well as any pictures he would like to show about his trip out here. If he doesn't well then something is wrong with that boy.

I think the point where I realized that we did have a surfeit of foods from around the world was when I asked if he wanted to get some Armenian fast food. Only in LA will you find Armenian fast food, when you can't even find an Armenian restaurant anywhere else. (exceptions being Lebanon, Armenia, etc)

Anyway I look forward to sharing all the other "juicy" details of Daniels trip to LA and all our adventures, but I'm actually feeling a little under the weather and will "post"pone further details until my next entry.

I hope you have enjoyed all the links and cheesy quotation marks. Have a good day and as always enjoy.

Trapped in the Vestibule (Chapter 5 of 5)...The Finale?!?

..."must have lost the track of time, oh what was on my mind"..."from the club went to her home, didn't plan to stay there long"...sorry just thought I'd drop in a few lyrics from Trapped in the Closet by R. Kelly.

...so I'm waiting outside of his door. Scared to knock, but knowing that I needed some resolution one way or the other I gathered my courage and rapped my knuckles against the wood of his door. He yells from the inside for me to come in. I open the door and walk in. He's sitting on the couch watching t.v. I'm thinking a thousand thoughts, mostly "Aren't we supposed to talk? Why is the t.v. on?" He asked me if I had dinner I said yes. I was lying, I couldn't eat before we spoke. He asked if he could make me a drink. I thought I might need one so I said yes. I sit on the couch while he mixes up some drinks. I turn off the t.v. while he's in the kitchen when he comes back I say, "Well you invited me over here to talk so let's just get it over with."

Fast Forward->Basically the conversation went along the lines of him telling me how much he has appreciated my friendship, (WHAT?!?) how great it has been to know me (After all I've given him and done for him) and that it's time for him to move into a new "phase" in his life. He said he knew once his music career started looking up that it was going to mean the end of us anyway. Well if he knew that then why didn't he just break up with me months ago. Why protract the agony? I sat there listening to him continue to shovel it deeper and deeper and I finally realized how full of it he really was.

And you know what? For the first time I felt more than hurt and rejection at his treatment of me. I started to feel annoyed and a little bit angry. I mean why was I wasting my time on him. He was so incredibly self-centered. For the first time I realized that I didn't love him. I loved who I "thought" he was. And he wasn't that person and he never was going. I finally realized that I had to move on from this. He wasn't going to change and I didn't have the patience to waste my time trying. It wasn't until after I left that I realized that in the conversation the mysterious aforementioned "someone else" never even featured in the conversation. And I wondered if she even exited. We hung out for a little while after we finished talking. I told him it would probably be for the best if we didn't hang out anymore, but I still wanted to stay friends with him. (I know I know I should have vowed never to speak to him again) I didn't want to give him anymore power than he already had.

We went our separate ways and I honestly thought I'd never hear from him again, but I was wrong...last night he called. He just wanted to talk to me...then he hit me with a bombshell. I mean I had spent the past two weeks being thoroughly angry with myself and him for the waste of this past year so it's sufficient to say I didn't really want to hear what he had to say. He said he was getting ready to get on a plane back to Chicago (where he is from). Then I paused for a minute. I know it's a really bad stereotype to say that black people aren't much for flying, swimming, or boating, but seriously it was probably made up for him (although he is half Puerto Rican). So I knew something was serious for him to get on a plane. Then he told me...his father had a massive stroke and he was going home to be with him and his family. I was stunned. I didn't want to be pulled back in but after the trauma I went through with him I had a small clue what he was going through. He called me this morning to say "his eyes are open" and "I think he can hear me". I will keep him in my prayers because I know he is in a stressful situation. He said he would call me back later tonight and let me know how things are going and I know I'll pick up the phone...

O.k. although the story hasn't ended my sharing of it has come to an end. I hope that you were able to get something from it as I am and will continue to do. I will keep you posted on what happens with his father, but that's it for now.

As always have a good day and enjoy.

Good Things

Anyway this weekend Joe and I are getting down to some serious business working on my room. Here is a picture of the first phase of destruction...ooops I meant construction.

On another note... is someone else out there trying to give relationship tips...uh oh...on occasion I like to look at other blogs and see what others are saying. I ran across an interesting blog by the brother of a friend and found he too was delving into the wonderful world of male/female interaction. Maybe he and I should team up and have a relationship blog that caters to the relationship dysfunct that rests in all of us. (it's the through the eye of a needle post). This guy has some potential.

Well that's all for now. Next post I will finish up my trapped in the vestibule saga. Have a good day and as always enjoy.

Again with the Tanikaism(schisms)!

Ok another break from the story I would just like to share some funny tidbits from the last week and exciting news from the past week.

First I'm very excited. It's only one more week until my friend Daniel comes to visit L.A. and most specifically the gangsta streets of the CC. Is SoCal ready for this? I've been planning out exciting things for us to do while he is here and interesting food he could try that might be a little more difficult to get back east. If anyone has any suggestions about some things they think we should try feel free to comment.

Funny Quotes: This past week I've heard some funny quotes that I would like to share with you.

Dawson 4 years old:
Dawson:"I want a black hotdog."
Parent:"No those are for Tanika, that's the way she likes them."
Dawson:"Why...Because she's black?!?"

Joshua 5 years old:
Joshua:"I need to go to the store to see some eggplant"
Parent:"Why Joshua?"
Joshua:"Because I want to see where eggs come from."

Joshua:"I need to talk to Felicia (who works at Dominos Pizza)"
Parent: "Why Joshua?"
Joshua:"I want to ask her how that 5-5-5 deal is going?"

Timothy 8 years old:
Timothy: "Have you seen (insert rated R movie title here)?"
Me:"No Timothy I don't watch movies like that."
Timothy: "Why, is it because of the language, violence, drug use, or sexual content?"
Me: "TIMOTHY?!? Please I don't want to talk about this, let's do some math."

If you have any funny things people have said to you this week feel free to share. As always have a good day and enjoy.

Trapped in the Vestibule (Chapter 4 of 5)

For those of you who don't know I've been sharing a relationship story that is true in all it's consequences. So where did I leave off...

He had just told me that he is seeing someone else...in my mind I'm thinking, "WHAT?!?" The other thoughts that went through my mind are unprintable. I hung up the phone and thought about doing serious damage to him, this unknown woman, and his personal property. Rest assured I didn't go anything illegal, but trust me I really wanted to. But the anger faded...and I was left feeling cold and empty. And I couldn't understand why. If I searched inside myself I have to admit it's not like I was really shocked by what happened. I mean are you?

Of course the normal questions like: Who is she? How long has this been going on? Why didn't he just tell me in the beginning? and the ultimate question: WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME? This wasn't the first time someone I had been dating, did the relationship defection, treated my like I was nothing then flipped the script and told me they were "seeing someone else". I question myself. Is there something inherently wrong with me? Why can't I keep a decent man? Maybe I can't actually recognize a decent man. Am I destined to only have relationships that don't last, where I give and give and he only takes? Why can't I find happiness? Am I destined to stay single? Why do I keep making the same wrong decisions?

Do you want to hear something funny? The week after this happened he showed up at my place in the evening. He wanted to see how I was doing, make sure I was ok. And it felt like we were about to start this cycle all over again. But the thing was I didn't want to. I couldn't handle it again. I knew I still loved him, but I just couldn't do this again. But the truth is could I be strong enough if he started up with me again in earnest. I wanted to believe that he could change. That I was worth changing for. He left not much being said except that he wondered if I would be interested in hanging out with him.

STOP!! WAIT!!! This is the same guy who just last week said that I disgust him. Was I seriously having this conversation with him. Why hadn't I punched him in the jaw as soon as he came in the door. But I have to confess I was hoping he was coming to abjectly apologize and through the whole interview I was waiting for him to break down, confess his faults, beg my forgiveness. Maybe it's because we weren't alone. I went outside with him. Maybe he needed some privacy. But no he didn't. He didn't even refer to what he said before. He acted like nothing even happened or worse that I forced him to say those things he did to me so basically it was my fault if I'm hurt by anything he did.

He left me with an anticlimactic feeling and I waited and wondered what was next...in my own mind...in his actions. But when the phone rang the next Wednesday I knew the situation had finally come to a head. He was calling me asking if I would come over. He wanted to talk and he needed some privacy which we couldn't get at my place. So now I'm on my way over to see what it is he wants to say...to be continued.

Stay tuned for the conclusion in Chapter 5 of 5.

Questions: Is there anyway this can possibly end well? Haven't I debased myself enough for this man. I was at the end of my goodness, my virtue, my patience. I wanted to hurt him, like he hurt me? And the bigger question of how am I supposed to recover from this and move on to have a normal healthy relationship? Maybe when I can stop questioning myself. Anyway as usual have a good day and enjoy.

Tanika's Relationship Tip #Umpteen

Ok another brief hiatus from the story I have been relating to you. I promise the next post will we devoted solely to that. But I needed to take a time out and bring you another relationship tip from yours truly. As usual my tips are taken from real life occurrences and after some meditation I figure out a nice practical way to share the thing that I have learned.

I got a phone call yesterday from a girl I'm particularly close with and in the middle of our conversation she made a pretty amusing comment. It went a little something like this,, "Guess what Tanika? I'm not shallow anymore!" I, of course, burst out into laughter. I mean I was happy that she wasn't shallow anymore, but it got me thinking about how shallowness can prevent us from having meaningful and lasting relationships. For those of you who are looking for a shallow relationship based on superficiality please disregard my next tip. I would like to preface by saying that this tip is not along my ordinary lines because it gives the impression that it's ok to be shallow. It's not. But I realize that we all have shallow areas in our lives that we are hopefully trying to make deeper.

Tanika's Relationship Tip #Umpteen: Thinking and talking about what you want in a relationship solely in shallow terms will keep you and anyone else who might be interested in you from having a serious, meaningful, and lasting relationship. Of course I will explain. Over the years I've had both guys and girls talk to me about what they are looking for in a partner/relationship (both friendship and romantic). And there have been times where I admit I didn't actually take the person seriously (i.e. I thought they were kidding, but they weren't) because what they were saying was so hopelessly unrealistic and shallow. But over the years I've realized that they weren't joking. The other day I was hanging with this guy who was telling me the things he was looking for in a woman. Sadly (sarcasm) none of these applied to me. But this guy took it a step further and said that women who had qualities that I possess were boring and unattractive. Being the only woman in the room I was mildly exasperated (understatement) with his continued negativity towards women who didn't embody what he desired.

Now to be fair I've heard women do the exact same thing. Acting like men should be the amalgamation of all their physical hopes and dreams. A recipe consisting of only the best parts. Feel free to leave out any brains, won't be necessary. But back to the story. So you know me being me, I had to break it down to a brotha. Couldn't let him go around spouting that level of ignorance. I first stated that "Yes, it's important to find the person you are with attractive and fun to be around." But to go around talking about how anyone else who doesn't meet YOUR standards as one step up from dog food isn't cool. First off what it does is have women/men who you aren't attracted to think you are a hopelessly shallow(i.e. not only will they not recommend you to their friends but they will actually warn men/women off you), but it also tells the someone you are attracted to that you are an idiot/jerk/(insert name here) and it's just a matter of time before something they do will make them fall out of favor with you (no point in even wasting their time on you). If you do this and wonder why you can't seem to have a lasting relationship with "Mr./Mrs. Right" maybe you should try revising your technique, because it leaves something to be desired.

If all you are looking for are flings, light flirtations, and casual relationships this may not be a problem, but if you are looking for someone to share your life with the last thing someone who would have been interested in you wants to hear you say is that they aren't worthy of love or respect because of a physical flaw you don't think is one or that it's something beyond your control anyway. Your love for someone should make them feel safe and secure. Content to be who they are. Not desperate, afraid, or on edge that somehow you will lose interest in them because of something that could happen to change their appearance. If nothing else they are going to become older their bodies will change and trust me honey, so will yours.

Also stating why he/she can get away with this behavior or that behavior because they are good looking is also a sure fire way to warn off would be relationships. (Yes this is the law of beautiful people) But the truth is that you must not have much to offer a relationship if you let a good looking man or woman walk all over you because they are good looking. If you are so dense as to subject yourself to that level of idiocy for fleeting good looks then more power to you.

Girls, guys, old men and women are out their starving themselves, dying their hair, getting all types of painful/harmful procedures because they are terrified that they aren't worthy of love by their own merit is one of the saddest things I can think of. (I said one of) Anyway just wanted to give my two cents. Feel free to share your thoughts or opinions on the subject.

The 'Nasium

For those of you who are curious as to where I spend the bulk of my time I have a picture of the inside of the Mathnasium where I work. I enjoy our new location because it now has an upstairs which helps with more space and to separate some of the older kids from the younger ones or if we need to do some one on one tutoring. Anyway that's it. Have a good day and enjoy.

Trapped in the Vestibule (Chapter 3 of 5)

in a brief recap I have been relating some events pertaining to a relationship this past year. I left with him saying that I disgust him. I was saying that I couldn't believe he had actually said that to me. Since we were texting each other he didn't get to fully appreciate the impact of his words as I burst out into hysterical sobbing...but wait a minute let's rewind for a second

Rewind<- He initiated the relationship, although I did go along with it, but remember I have been interested in this guy for a year and a half at this point. I thought I knew him and I thought I understood the kind of person he was. Also during the course of our relationship when I realized things weren't going well I tried to end it, seriously, on four different occassions. Each time he disregarded my feelings, fears, and concerns placating me with the belief that we were just going through a "bad patch" and that things were going to get better. (Yeah right!) So I optimistically believed that it would get better not so much because I BELIEVED they would, but because I HOPED they would.

Needless to say after that texted converstation we didn't talk for a while. I know what you are thinking. Why would I ever talk to him. This is the hard part to explain...I'm going to ask you to suspend your disbelief for a second and imagine (this may be hard for some or really easy for others) that you've never really had anyone show you that they love you in spite of your faults. They think you are wonderful and worthy of love without doing anything to deserve it. They are beside you through thick and thin, insanity and all. That's how it was in the beginning. I thought I was being loved unconditionally and experiencing that for, what I thought, was the first time was overwhelming and I was prepared to do anything...accept anything in order to recapture that. I thought maybe what we were going through WAS temporary and that if I was patient he would come around or change. That he would realize how much he had hurt me and was actually still deeply in love with me and that we could forgive and forget any bad things that happened. (Talk about self-delusion) So that's how it's possible that even after the last conversation I was still hoping he would come around and call me and abjectly apologize. (I needed that level of apology if I was going to get over what happened)

Then one night I did the ultimate...in a fit of desparation I called him because at the very least I needed us to end as friends or on speaking terms. I couldn't believe all we shared meant so little to him which was really why I was calling. I guess deep down I need to believe that those feelings he had for me were genuine otherwise...well that would mean that until that point I would know that again I was incapable of inspiring anyone to love me. And I couldn't take that not again.

When he finally took my call I could tell by the sound of his voice that he wished he never had to hear or speak to me again. Probably wishing he didn't even know I existed. I told him basically what I told you. That I wanted us to part friends. I also was secretly looking for reassurance. Needless to say he didn't give me any. He asked if I was too dense to get the message that he didn't want to speak to me again. Then he wounded me in the worse way. He told me the thing no woman wants to hear a man she cares about say..."I'm seeing someone else"...to be continued.

Please stayed tuned for Chapter 4 or "Trapped in the Vestibule".

Question...if the root of why he didn't want to be with me and treated me like dirt was because he was seeing someone all along why didn't he just leave me alone when I had tried to break up before. Is his ego so big that he needs to be the one who ends things with me in tears to feel good about himself? Has this ever happened to you? Why would a person feel the need to do this? Why couldn't I understand no matter how much I wanted it to be different human love is fallible and may not last forever.

Brief Hiatus

I know I have been relating to you the story I affectionately refer to as "Trapped in the Vestibule". But I wanted to take a brief emotional break (haha just kidding) and write about something different. I don't know how many of you out there are like me (mostly women I assume) who associate sound, smell or texture with a particular event. But I am definitely like that. Whenever I smell cucumbers I think about this guy I know named Seth (don't question me).

Well this weekend I was helping my friend move to Las Vegas and of course we listened to a lot of music as we packed and moved. And for some reason it was old school weekend so we were listening to all these really good hip hop songs from back in the day (i.e. Goody Mob basically just Ceelo) and of course some old R&B favorites. I fondly remember being at the gas station singing "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men at the top of our lungs. Luckily none of us are easily embarrased. It was funny all of these "It's so hard to say goodbye..." type songs kept playing. But one in particular stuck in my head and I have been depressedly listening to it over and over again.

Although the song is obviously written by a woman to a man. Check out the title, "Let Me Let Go" by Faith Hill. (Yes it's country! It's the last song at the bottom) but the chorus has this bittersweet attachment for me because it was a song I listened to a lot when I broke up with an ex and it took a long time getting past. It's difficult for me to get over the fact that I won't get to see my friend whenever I want. That she won't be there for emotional support or for me to suport her. Anyway just wanted to vent a little bit. The irony of it all is that she is coming back for labor day weekend in like 2 weeks. I've definitely not seen her for 2 months so how is this that different. But it is...

Trapped in the Vestibule (Chapter 2 of 5)..

I'm just making fun of R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet videos (Chapters 1 - 5). I was just thinking how my story would sound set to the same music. Because as anyone knows when R. Kelly writes his songs he basically goes in the studio and just starts saying words. Example:

"Here we are the four of us, total shock, me and her, close my mouth swallow spit and I think to my self this is some messed up s%$#". I mean let's get real "close my mouth...swallow spit?" R. Kelly what were you thinking? Anyway back to the story...

When I left off he wasn't speaking to me any more. This was very hard for me to handle because I had just spent some very emotional days stressed out about whether he was going to live. Keeping myself busy in an attempt to numb my emotions. Needless to say that after this I was pretty torn up. Saying that I took to my bed puts things pretty mildly. There was definitely some mid-night crying and a lot of insomnia where I wondered what I had done wrong. I mean I hadn't changed, had I? He knew what I was like before we started dating. He had known me for nearly 2 years. And I was more open with him than I have been with any other man before. I'm not a perfect person, but I try to do things right and love people the best I can. Compromising when I need, working things out, and willing to go the extra mile to make sure someone is happy and that I can be helpful.

Fast forward -> After another week of self-recrimination and wasted advice from friends that it wasn't my fault, I finally realized that this might be it. Things really might be over. That's the hardest part of an ending relationship. Admitting to yourself it's over when you would give you last breath for it not to end. I realized I had to try and move on picking up the shattered pieces of my heart, pride, and ego if I had any hope of getting over him.

As I sorted through somethings I found pictures of us together and I was transported back to better times. I realized I couldn't look at anything of his without feeling a sharp pain in my chest, I'm not sure if it's real or imagined. It sure seems real. I found one of his sweatshirts he let me wear when we were out one time and it got a little chilly. Some of his music that we had listened together. And I realized I'm getting nowhere fast and I have to return these things at least for myself so that I don't have constant reminders of him around my house. I mean it had already taken all the strength I had to delete his text messages, his phone number, and saved voice mails. (Yes I'm a loser I saved his voicemails, that's what it's like when you have it really bad)

Instead of putting myself through more torture I texted him and asked if it would be alright if I dropped his stuff in the mail and he sent me back some things that I had left at his place. It seemed like a reasonable request to make. I was fairly certain that he felt the same way I did and didn't want my things around his place. Much to my surprise (though not as much as before) he responded with a resounding NO!!! Can you believe that he said no. I of course responded with the obvious question of WHY?!? In a nutshell he told me I wasn't worth it and he wasn't going to waste good money sending me back my (*insert expletives here)! I would have understood more if he was talking about some meaningless junk, but it was some things that I find very valuable. The thing I couldn't get over was that he was telling me I meant less than nothing to him and he wasn't going to return my things because I wasn't worth it.

Fast Forward-> He again started to categorize my faults, he went further this time with insults which weren't true and rounded off with saying and I quote "I don't even know why I ever went out with you, you disgust me!" You can imagine my mental state after that. It wasn't good. (mild understatement). Needless to say I was completely devestated by this comment. I couldn't say much after that I was hurting so bad...to be continued.

Has that ever happened to you? Not only has someone dumped you, but feels the need to grind you down into dust on top of it. It wasn't neccessary for him to make those comments, but he did. Wasn't it enough that he had already hurt me did he have to stand in triumph over me?

Stay tuned for part 3.

As usual have a good day and enjoy. Feel free to share your thoughts.

There's a girl named Tammy...

...she got two kids. (You've probably heard me sing this phrase) It's from a song my sister used to sing when she was going through her song writer phase. It's additive even 15 years later I still walk around singing it.

Anyway I wanted to tell you a little story, I will change it a little to protect the innocent and the not so guilty...So there is a guy who I met about 2 1/2 years ago. We worked together and I must admit I had a crush on him for the first 3 weeks we knew each other. As did most girls at my job. After about 6-7 months I finally got up the courage to ask him if he wanted to join my friends and myself for lunch. He said no, but maybe next time. I was crushed needless to say. Felt all rejected and dejected. But after a couple more weeks of my friend bugging me to ask him again I did and he said yes. We went and had lunch at a local hangout for the people at my job. We had a good time and it turned into a regular weekly thing. We got to know each other pretty well. (Yes just as friends).

Anyway he ended up leaving the job, but we have stayed friends through all that and even grew closer. Over the next year we started spending a lot of time together. Although we spent a lot of time together it didn't seem as if he viewed me as anything other than a friend. Although the more I learned about him the more interested I was. A couple of times I was really tempted to tell him how I felt, but I didn't. Finally I formed what I will refer to as the New Year's Plan. A bunch of us were getting together to celebrate the 2005 new year and he would be there. So I decided to just take a chance and go for it see what happens. Ok so I'll admit I needed a little dutch courage, but I was ready. Then the most amazing thing happened. He made the first move. Let me know he was ineterested in ME!! I mean can you believe that after all the heart ache. Then he preceded to tell me that he had been interested in me for the past year. (Imagine my shock)

Needless to say I was on cloud nine. I was telling all my friends about our new relationship. And the best part was he already knew people I knew and hung out with them so I didn't have to try to force him to hang out with my friends they were his friends. The other part I really liked was that he already knew all about me. My faults, my dysfunctional past relationships and he still liked me. At that point I got really scared. I mean I never had a relationship be as good as this was. I shared my concerns with him. Because he knew how scared I was to become vunerable again. He told me I didn't have anything to worry about. He said he would never do anything to hurt me. And since we were already good friends I felt that I could trust him. I mean he knows I've been hurt before and that I was only into having a serious relationship.

Now it's time for a little thing called fast forward. (over the next three months we had the best relationship spending time together, laughing, loving, sharing). Now it's March and I'm more into him than I ever was. Then one night I went over to his place to hang out and for some reason he was cold and distant. I'm not sure why. He kept acting weird and I finally confronted him about it because I was confused. All of a sudden he blew up at me and told me to stop crowding him and how he needed his space. I said ok I understand I'll go home. But that wasn't enough for him. He followed up with outlining all my faults to me. Needless to say the evening ended with a blazing row and I went home to cry my eyes out. I wasn't sure were it was all coming from. The last time I saw him we were cool like we always were, now this.

Fast forward -> over the next couple of weeks he kept blowing hot and cold. Finally I said hey if you don't want this relationship I'll understand we can just be friends and things can go back to the way they were. Then all of a sudden he is telling me how much he loves me and needs me, but he is going through a time where he needs to focus on himself. I'm thinking what the h*$@! Basically he needs to be selfish and doesn't want me to interfer with that unless he wants to be around me?!? Needless to say the next month after that was pretty rocky with me trying to give him space, but still wanting to be with him. But things go from bad to worse and I can tell the situation is coming to a head and it would be best if we at least stopped dating if not go our separate ways. (I hoped for the former, feared the latter)

Fast forward -> Over the next 2 months I am desparately trying to get closure and end the relationship because I realize we don't have the same goals in life (I enjoy being there for other people and he wanted to be there for himself), but I still want to be with him so it's hard. Every time I tell him that I can't see him anymore he calls or texts me telling me he still wants me in his life and things are gonna get better. And after a couple of days I wear down and go back. Then he shoves me away again. Then I finally say I can't do this anymore I want to be friends, but I can't keep going through this with you. Through the whole thing he alternates between categorizing my faults then telling me how much he needs me.

Finally after my finally attempt at sanity he calls me in the middle of the night (drunk I might add) to tell me he has made a horrible mistake and loves me and wants to be with me. So what do I do. I go back! Ugh! Then I find out he is sick. He is in the hospital and I'm there for him I shop, clean, and stay right there by his side until the worst is over. When he comes home he throws all my efforts back in my face and says he never wants to see me again...to be continued.

Stay tuned for part 2...

Now tell me seriously have any of you ever been there. Trying to get out of a relationship with someone because you realize for whatever reason it isn't going to work, but they don't want to let you go. Then finally when you give in they push you away. To me it seems like they just want the upper hand. What hind of messed up s*&$! is that? Relationships are too much for me.

Anyway as always have a good day and enjoy.

Woo...Hoo!

I'm not sure if L.A. is ready for this. Jump back everyone, my friend Daniel is coming out to visit next month. Is the CC ready? Clearly if you know me you will realize that the preceding was mildly* sarcastic, however I'm extremely excited. I think I squealed in Daniel's ear about 5 or 6 times yesterday. I also realized that he will be going with Derek and myself up to NorCal to visit Lauren, and other local attractions. Not that Lauren could be considered a local attraction. Although I think she is pretty wonderful.

Anyhoo just wanted to share my eager anticipation. Luckily for me L.A. is already a pretty interesting place and the CC will provide the perfect place to kick back and relax getting away from the hectic rush. (Sort of I mean get real it's L.A.). I'm just hoping that my room will be ready in time. Otherwise it will be 7 people trying to use 1 bathroom instead of 6. Actually Will doesn't use it much.

Well that's all for now. I will be back with more tips and witty advice later this week. Have a good day and as always enjoy.



* mildly = extremely

The Haps the not Haps and Everything in Between

Argh!!! It's been a while since my last post. I've actually been working for a change and then the one time earlier this week when I wanted to post, blogger was down for general maintainence. (of course). So I have a choice here that's clear for anyone to see...catch everyone up on what's been going on OR make sarcastic observations. I think I'll err on the side of sarcasm because there never really was a choice to begin with.

First for those of you who don't indulge in the pleasure of reading Brooke's blog and haven't seen the newest ipod addition I encourage you to check out this new mp3 player. (Absolutely hilarious).

I'm currently in the process of helping my friend move to Vegas (yes I know I know that means I'll be going to Vegas all the time now) and I didn't realize what an emotional time it would be. I went to a scrapbooking session last night up in the GHC so that I could work on a scrapbook I'm making for her as a going away present. (Yes I know that sounds kinda cheesy).

Anyway the other night I watched a movie called Switchback and to give a movie review in a word, "Ugh!!!" The only redeeming quality this film had was being able to ridicule it with friends. (please check out the link above if you don't believe me)

Anyway that's all I have for now. As always have a good day and enjoy.