Trapped in the Vestibule (Chapter 4 of 5)

For those of you who don't know I've been sharing a relationship story that is true in all it's consequences. So where did I leave off...

He had just told me that he is seeing someone else...in my mind I'm thinking, "WHAT?!?" The other thoughts that went through my mind are unprintable. I hung up the phone and thought about doing serious damage to him, this unknown woman, and his personal property. Rest assured I didn't go anything illegal, but trust me I really wanted to. But the anger faded...and I was left feeling cold and empty. And I couldn't understand why. If I searched inside myself I have to admit it's not like I was really shocked by what happened. I mean are you?

Of course the normal questions like: Who is she? How long has this been going on? Why didn't he just tell me in the beginning? and the ultimate question: WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME? This wasn't the first time someone I had been dating, did the relationship defection, treated my like I was nothing then flipped the script and told me they were "seeing someone else". I question myself. Is there something inherently wrong with me? Why can't I keep a decent man? Maybe I can't actually recognize a decent man. Am I destined to only have relationships that don't last, where I give and give and he only takes? Why can't I find happiness? Am I destined to stay single? Why do I keep making the same wrong decisions?

Do you want to hear something funny? The week after this happened he showed up at my place in the evening. He wanted to see how I was doing, make sure I was ok. And it felt like we were about to start this cycle all over again. But the thing was I didn't want to. I couldn't handle it again. I knew I still loved him, but I just couldn't do this again. But the truth is could I be strong enough if he started up with me again in earnest. I wanted to believe that he could change. That I was worth changing for. He left not much being said except that he wondered if I would be interested in hanging out with him.

STOP!! WAIT!!! This is the same guy who just last week said that I disgust him. Was I seriously having this conversation with him. Why hadn't I punched him in the jaw as soon as he came in the door. But I have to confess I was hoping he was coming to abjectly apologize and through the whole interview I was waiting for him to break down, confess his faults, beg my forgiveness. Maybe it's because we weren't alone. I went outside with him. Maybe he needed some privacy. But no he didn't. He didn't even refer to what he said before. He acted like nothing even happened or worse that I forced him to say those things he did to me so basically it was my fault if I'm hurt by anything he did.

He left me with an anticlimactic feeling and I waited and wondered what was next...in my own mind...in his actions. But when the phone rang the next Wednesday I knew the situation had finally come to a head. He was calling me asking if I would come over. He wanted to talk and he needed some privacy which we couldn't get at my place. So now I'm on my way over to see what it is he wants to say...to be continued.

Stay tuned for the conclusion in Chapter 5 of 5.

Questions: Is there anyway this can possibly end well? Haven't I debased myself enough for this man. I was at the end of my goodness, my virtue, my patience. I wanted to hurt him, like he hurt me? And the bigger question of how am I supposed to recover from this and move on to have a normal healthy relationship? Maybe when I can stop questioning myself. Anyway as usual have a good day and enjoy.