I'm going to try to paint a picture for you so bear with me. There is a guy named John, a young professional around 25 years old. He has a girlfriend, an active social life, and a good job. Recently he found out that a close member of his family is terminally ill. This affects him deeply because it is someone he has always loved and respected. Not sure how to deal with his feelings he bottles them up and attempts to go about his daily life. However he is not extremely successful and his friends and coworkers notice something is up. He briefly explains what is going on, and in an attempt to "cheer him up" his coworkers take him out for a liquid lunch/happy hour. His girlfriend plans a lot of fun activities to "take his mind off things". His friends do their best to help "get him in a better mood". Sound familiar?
The other day I was leaving my friend's apartment and I was walking past a school. I noticed some little boys at play so I decided to stop and watch for a little while. There were about 5 of them, probably about 5 or 6 years old, playing on and around a jungle gym. They were like any other little boys in the school yard running everywhere jumping, climbing, and generally engaging in horseplay. Then one fell off the top of the jungle gym. The other 4 boys descended on him like little birds. 2 were rubbing his back trying to comfort him. The other two were asking him what was wrong. When they realized it was his knee they continued to comfort him. One boy asked the hurt child what he wanted to be done. The hurt child crying said he didn't know. So 1 little boy thought for a second and then said, "If I kiss it that might make it better" So he kissed the little boy's knee and asked, "Does it feel better?" The little boy said no. But all the little boys agreed they would figure out a way to make his knee better and in the mean time they comforted him through his tears.
In both these situations the pain they felt was very real to them.
I was extremely moved by this picture of the young boys comforting their friend and helping him through a difficult time. I went home and thought about how we as adults rarely show this much compassion or sensitivity to another person's hurts. Although the first story is fictional I though it is representative of what happens in a lot of people's lives. And though I may be wrong I felt that it happens more with guys than with girls. For some reason most girls rally around their friends who are hurting. They try to comfort and deal with what is going on. Though this is not always the case. However from MY observations I notice that for a lot of guys they usually end up in the first case scenario. I actually happen to be a girl who ends up in the first case scenario so I'm definitely not making too broad a generalization. All I wanted to know is what happened in those 20 intervening years? Is it the case that our need to protect ourselves emotionally stunts our abilities to give and receive compassion? Is it emasculating for a guy to be vulnerable and real with his friends and comfort them when they are in need? Have we become so self-centered that we don't take time to listen to what is going on before we try to "fix" things, because CLEARLY we know best?
As a person who likes to be helpful I can fall into the trap of thinking if I could just do something then I will have helped and made a difference when really I should just try to be there and see what my friend actually needs. Anyway just some thoughts have a good day and as always enjoy.
I am 50% Left Brain and 50% Right Brain. Interesting...
| You Are 50% Left Brained, 50% Right Brained |
 Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports. |
Saturday, April 30, 2005
The Bestest Person in the World
I have had some emotional times recenlty for various reasons. I have a few remedies for when I want to feel better. And no it isn't chocolate. Usually getting some time to think things through or go on long walks are helpful, but one of my favorite things in the world are Jane Austen novels/movies.
Well yesterday I was innocently sitting around and someone came to the door. They had a package...Joe said it was for me. I was skeptical at first, but then he showed it to me. I said hey did you guys get me something. Joe laughs and says no. So I open it not knowing what was inside. As I pull back the packaging I see that it is my favorite movie of all time on DVD!!!!! I have Pride and Prejudice on tape, but as was clearly pointed out to me those tapes aren't gonna last much longer. And the dvd has special features. I looked into the box to find out what angelic creature could have blessed me thus. It was my good friend Lauren who has been elevated to bestest person position. It was an early birthday present and it could not have come at a better time. I'm slowly indoctrinating Katie to like it one dance scene at a time.
Well needless to say I will be eagerly devouring my favorite scenes over the next couple of days. I always wanted to be Lizzy.
Well yesterday I was innocently sitting around and someone came to the door. They had a package...Joe said it was for me. I was skeptical at first, but then he showed it to me. I said hey did you guys get me something. Joe laughs and says no. So I open it not knowing what was inside. As I pull back the packaging I see that it is my favorite movie of all time on DVD!!!!! I have Pride and Prejudice on tape, but as was clearly pointed out to me those tapes aren't gonna last much longer. And the dvd has special features. I looked into the box to find out what angelic creature could have blessed me thus. It was my good friend Lauren who has been elevated to bestest person position. It was an early birthday present and it could not have come at a better time. I'm slowly indoctrinating Katie to like it one dance scene at a time.
Well needless to say I will be eagerly devouring my favorite scenes over the next couple of days. I always wanted to be Lizzy.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Cool Spots...
I was doing my regular blog reading and I saw that Lauren had posted about here mom's recent visit and said she had some discount/free passes for wineries. For those of you who don't know she is my cool friend who lives in NorCal near Napa so if anyone is up for a visit let me know.
I also found this other really cool blog with some interesting quizes so if you have some free time check it out.
I also found this other really cool blog with some interesting quizes so if you have some free time check it out.
Good Times...Noodle Salad II
(Please find link to Logic Problems on my sidebar)
As most of you know I enjoy participating in events or activities outside of my cultural comfort zone (i.e. Dawali or Chinese new year) We'll last night I participated in my first Seder. Like the little geek I am, I read up all the information I could on Seders and what everything means. Couldn't help it. I won't share all my thoughts here but, if you wanna see what I thought check out the other me.
On a different, last night as a result of being in mixed company (I think ) the conversation took and inevitable turn to relationships (my new favorite topic). I won't bore you with the details of what was said. All I can tell you is there was definitely some blushing and awkward moments. And some very interesting dreams for me last night.
(This entry is more of thoughts than a particular relationship tip)But it did make me think about the whole concept of "experience" one brings to a relationship. And I'm not just talking about sexual/physical experience. I think a lot of emphasis is placed on this already so I won't delve into this topic, but feel free to dialogue with me on this subject. But I guess I'm referring to life experience in general. I think I've had this conversation with some people before when they ask me why I'm not interested in one of all the cool guys at Kairos. Even though most of the single guys are "crush worthy". And one of my first response is that I feel that most of them are too inexperienced for me. But what I mean is that my perception (which could be all wrong) of them is that they are too idealistic/conservative/naive/untried in certain aspects of life. And I always wonder does this really matter because shouldn't maturity count for something? Then I try to think of how diverse the maturation process can be and how can I judge someone I barely know when I find it so difficult to let people get to know me. My comments before might seem a little harsh on this particular set of guys, but those are my view in general of guys my age anyway. (Hence why I tend to be interested in guys seriously older than I am although not recently) It's not like I have a hard time relating to guys at all, it's just that sometimes when I let a little more of myself out and they freak out or get squeamish or in general make comments that make me think, "Yeah they are nice and all, but..." then I immediately lump them into a category of the aforementioned variety. I guess it's kinda what JR was talking about on Sunday. How if we don't know people very well we put them into this box based on a limited amount of observations we are able to make. Geek, Funny, Naive, Idealistic, Gay. I usually want a guy's life experience to, if not match my own, then at least he can understand and not be weirded out by it or me. But maybe it's the case that his experiences are the kind I need to compliment me and my expectations of the "experiences" he "should" have are all confused and mixed up.
Last night some comments were made about guys going into a relationship with some experience and to some degree I agree with this. At least from things I have stated above. But what I also think this relates back to is not wanting someone to bring past relationship baggage into the relationship, because that is the kind of experience I can do without and the same goes for women bringing that into a relationship with a guy. I don't want to spend our time together trying to deal with untold damage someone else has done to that person.
I guess there are pros and cons to "experience" . I guess maybe it's just a matter of learning and growing that allows you to bring maturity from those experiences into the relationship in whatever form they take and not letting them be something that divides you.
As most of you know I enjoy participating in events or activities outside of my cultural comfort zone (i.e. Dawali or Chinese new year) We'll last night I participated in my first Seder. Like the little geek I am, I read up all the information I could on Seders and what everything means. Couldn't help it. I won't share all my thoughts here but, if you wanna see what I thought check out the other me.
On a different, last night as a result of being in mixed company (I think ) the conversation took and inevitable turn to relationships (my new favorite topic). I won't bore you with the details of what was said. All I can tell you is there was definitely some blushing and awkward moments. And some very interesting dreams for me last night.
(This entry is more of thoughts than a particular relationship tip)But it did make me think about the whole concept of "experience" one brings to a relationship. And I'm not just talking about sexual/physical experience. I think a lot of emphasis is placed on this already so I won't delve into this topic, but feel free to dialogue with me on this subject. But I guess I'm referring to life experience in general. I think I've had this conversation with some people before when they ask me why I'm not interested in one of all the cool guys at Kairos. Even though most of the single guys are "crush worthy". And one of my first response is that I feel that most of them are too inexperienced for me. But what I mean is that my perception (which could be all wrong) of them is that they are too idealistic/conservative/naive/untried in certain aspects of life. And I always wonder does this really matter because shouldn't maturity count for something? Then I try to think of how diverse the maturation process can be and how can I judge someone I barely know when I find it so difficult to let people get to know me. My comments before might seem a little harsh on this particular set of guys, but those are my view in general of guys my age anyway. (Hence why I tend to be interested in guys seriously older than I am although not recently) It's not like I have a hard time relating to guys at all, it's just that sometimes when I let a little more of myself out and they freak out or get squeamish or in general make comments that make me think, "Yeah they are nice and all, but..." then I immediately lump them into a category of the aforementioned variety. I guess it's kinda what JR was talking about on Sunday. How if we don't know people very well we put them into this box based on a limited amount of observations we are able to make. Geek, Funny, Naive, Idealistic, Gay. I usually want a guy's life experience to, if not match my own, then at least he can understand and not be weirded out by it or me. But maybe it's the case that his experiences are the kind I need to compliment me and my expectations of the "experiences" he "should" have are all confused and mixed up.
Last night some comments were made about guys going into a relationship with some experience and to some degree I agree with this. At least from things I have stated above. But what I also think this relates back to is not wanting someone to bring past relationship baggage into the relationship, because that is the kind of experience I can do without and the same goes for women bringing that into a relationship with a guy. I don't want to spend our time together trying to deal with untold damage someone else has done to that person.
I guess there are pros and cons to "experience" . I guess maybe it's just a matter of learning and growing that allows you to bring maturity from those experiences into the relationship in whatever form they take and not letting them be something that divides you.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Random Tanikaisms(schisms?)
Old School:
Some of you might remember that about two years ago I used to send out weekly updates and comments when I first got to L.A. I found one of them. I used to end with little things L.A. had taught me. I found one I wrote about hair styles. I decided to share it with those of you who were not fortunate enough to be on my emailing list at the time:
As I close this letter I wanted to leave you with a little something I learned about hair style do's and dont's (this is dedicated to Vic who contemplated a new hair style)What LA has taught me about hair do's and dont's:
1.Do:Get your hair colored, permed or straightened in a style that suits both your age and lifestyle.
Don't:Dye your hair one color, put in fake highlights and then let the grey grow out more than 3 inches.
2.Do:Get finger waves, micro-braids, perm, or press 'n curl that fits your head SIZE and SHAPE and HAIR LENGTH.
Don't:Get finger waves, micro-braids, perm or press 'n curl when your hair line has receded at least 2 inches. (Don't worry ladies I didn't see any of US out there like this).
3.Do:Make sure your hair is neatly, styled and slicked down when it's supposed to be.
a.Don't:Put so much oil and grease in your hair that you leave the bus seat/window slick and slimy when you get up.
b.Don't:Style your hair more that 4 inches away from your scalp. (Again Ladies I didn't see any of us out there like this)
4.Do:Take precautionary measures to make sure your hair doesn't get messed up on your way to work.
Don't:Let one of these measures be a hair net you THINK matches your hair color when it really doesn't.
Here is one I saw today.
Do: Be aware of the fact that your hair line is receding and get it styled accordingly.
Don't: Think that appropriate action for a receding hairline is a dyed combover.
(KCK do you remember the combover man?)
Blactoid: I've finally finished reading Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe. It was really good. I did get the depression after. It wasn't until after I finished reading the book that I realized why she wrote it in the first place. The book was published in 1852 in response to the Fugitive Slave Act and it's repercussions. What I thought was pretty interesting is that Stowe's writing was such an accurate forshadowing of events that followed some 12 years later when the slavery issue came to a head. One of my favorite things that she includes in the last chapter of the book (check out the Uncle Tom link above) are stories of various people who escaped slavery and had prosperous lives. This book was both thought provoking and challenging.
Tanika's Relationship Tip#7: (Heads up this is for the singles) Waiting...ewww did I just say waiting? I believe I did. In a world where adults have temper tantrums if they aren't first in line at a supermarket and everything is either fast or instant, the concept of waiting can be an annoying one and sometimes (or so it seems) downright impossible. I would like to clarify what I mean by waiting. I don't mean waiting to talk to someone you are already interested in. I don't mean waiting until you know that person is so into you there is no possible way you can be rejected. In these circumstances it's always good to exercise caution. What I mean is waiting until you find the (pardon this hackneyed phrase) "right person". I'm not talking about that one single entity in the universe destined to be your soul mate (because let's get real this might not exist) I mean instead of jumping into a relationship with someone because you are lonely, depressed, on the rebound, or just want some attention/intimacy. I'm guilty of this myself. The majority of my past boyfriends were the result of boredom and the need for intimacy. I would be going along my merry way and then I would realize, "Hey, I'm single what's up with that?" Then the first guy who was like, "Hey baby" I ended up dating. Most of the time I don't pay attention to guys who try to kick weak game, but when I get all lonely for attention it can break a sista down. One thing I had determined when I got to Los Angeles was that I would wait for the "right guy" and by right guy refer back to Tip #6. Not perfection but at least someone who I wouldn't want to strangle a week into the relationship. I've been semi-successful. If you wanna know the details just ask me. If you think this is lousy advice think about the last jacked up relationship you had because you just decided to "go for it". Was it worth it? That's what I thought.
As always have a good day and enjoy.
Some of you might remember that about two years ago I used to send out weekly updates and comments when I first got to L.A. I found one of them. I used to end with little things L.A. had taught me. I found one I wrote about hair styles. I decided to share it with those of you who were not fortunate enough to be on my emailing list at the time:
As I close this letter I wanted to leave you with a little something I learned about hair style do's and dont's (this is dedicated to Vic who contemplated a new hair style)What LA has taught me about hair do's and dont's:
1.Do:Get your hair colored, permed or straightened in a style that suits both your age and lifestyle.
Don't:Dye your hair one color, put in fake highlights and then let the grey grow out more than 3 inches.
2.Do:Get finger waves, micro-braids, perm, or press 'n curl that fits your head SIZE and SHAPE and HAIR LENGTH.
Don't:Get finger waves, micro-braids, perm or press 'n curl when your hair line has receded at least 2 inches. (Don't worry ladies I didn't see any of US out there like this).
3.Do:Make sure your hair is neatly, styled and slicked down when it's supposed to be.
a.Don't:Put so much oil and grease in your hair that you leave the bus seat/window slick and slimy when you get up.
b.Don't:Style your hair more that 4 inches away from your scalp. (Again Ladies I didn't see any of us out there like this)
4.Do:Take precautionary measures to make sure your hair doesn't get messed up on your way to work.
Don't:Let one of these measures be a hair net you THINK matches your hair color when it really doesn't.
Here is one I saw today.
Do: Be aware of the fact that your hair line is receding and get it styled accordingly.
Don't: Think that appropriate action for a receding hairline is a dyed combover.
(KCK do you remember the combover man?)
Blactoid: I've finally finished reading Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe. It was really good. I did get the depression after. It wasn't until after I finished reading the book that I realized why she wrote it in the first place. The book was published in 1852 in response to the Fugitive Slave Act and it's repercussions. What I thought was pretty interesting is that Stowe's writing was such an accurate forshadowing of events that followed some 12 years later when the slavery issue came to a head. One of my favorite things that she includes in the last chapter of the book (check out the Uncle Tom link above) are stories of various people who escaped slavery and had prosperous lives. This book was both thought provoking and challenging.
Tanika's Relationship Tip#7: (Heads up this is for the singles) Waiting...ewww did I just say waiting? I believe I did. In a world where adults have temper tantrums if they aren't first in line at a supermarket and everything is either fast or instant, the concept of waiting can be an annoying one and sometimes (or so it seems) downright impossible. I would like to clarify what I mean by waiting. I don't mean waiting to talk to someone you are already interested in. I don't mean waiting until you know that person is so into you there is no possible way you can be rejected. In these circumstances it's always good to exercise caution. What I mean is waiting until you find the (pardon this hackneyed phrase) "right person". I'm not talking about that one single entity in the universe destined to be your soul mate (because let's get real this might not exist) I mean instead of jumping into a relationship with someone because you are lonely, depressed, on the rebound, or just want some attention/intimacy. I'm guilty of this myself. The majority of my past boyfriends were the result of boredom and the need for intimacy. I would be going along my merry way and then I would realize, "Hey, I'm single what's up with that?" Then the first guy who was like, "Hey baby" I ended up dating. Most of the time I don't pay attention to guys who try to kick weak game, but when I get all lonely for attention it can break a sista down. One thing I had determined when I got to Los Angeles was that I would wait for the "right guy" and by right guy refer back to Tip #6. Not perfection but at least someone who I wouldn't want to strangle a week into the relationship. I've been semi-successful. If you wanna know the details just ask me. If you think this is lousy advice think about the last jacked up relationship you had because you just decided to "go for it". Was it worth it? That's what I thought.
As always have a good day and enjoy.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
A little levity never hurt anyone...
Before my posts start getting super serious I would like to tell you who I saw today. But first let me set the back story. I was finishing up a private tutor I have in Beverly Hills and on my way home, but I was feeling a little light headed so I decided to head to the local grocery store to get a juice or something. I normally walk down the residential street to the bus stop read my book until the bus comes and go home. But today after drinking a dannon's fusion smoothie I was walking down Beverly Dr. a main thoroughfare when I noticed some people in front of me were speaking a language I never heard of...I know I know it is me, but there are some languages I can't recognize.
Well I noticed the mom was pointing and talking. I was still trying to make out what she said when I heard the words, "Government" and "Schwarzenegger" I looked to where she was pointing and sure enough it was Arnold coming out of a restaurant. The whole family started waving at him ( I did too) and he looked over at us and waved back. Now I want to say that I know Arnold saw me. How did I know? Well... I was the only black person (dark I might add) in a sea of white faces. I had to have stuck out like a sore thumb. Maybe there is even a chance Arnold will dream about me tonight because he remembers my face. HAHAHA! Maybe it does pay to be different. Anyhoo. As he drove away he waved and honked his horn. That's when I noticed the cops on bikes and the huge motorcade he was driving away in.
I'm so oblivious. I'm in Beverly Hills in the evening every week and I never see anyone. Not because that aren't there, but because I never pay attention. That's it. Sorry no relationship tip today I've got to get back to my book. As always have a good day and enjoy.
Well I noticed the mom was pointing and talking. I was still trying to make out what she said when I heard the words, "Government" and "Schwarzenegger" I looked to where she was pointing and sure enough it was Arnold coming out of a restaurant. The whole family started waving at him ( I did too) and he looked over at us and waved back. Now I want to say that I know Arnold saw me. How did I know? Well... I was the only black person (dark I might add) in a sea of white faces. I had to have stuck out like a sore thumb. Maybe there is even a chance Arnold will dream about me tonight because he remembers my face. HAHAHA! Maybe it does pay to be different. Anyhoo. As he drove away he waved and honked his horn. That's when I noticed the cops on bikes and the huge motorcade he was driving away in.
I'm so oblivious. I'm in Beverly Hills in the evening every week and I never see anyone. Not because that aren't there, but because I never pay attention. That's it. Sorry no relationship tip today I've got to get back to my book. As always have a good day and enjoy.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Passing...(and the return of the blactoid)
I've recently been reading Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe. Very few "fictional" stories evoked such an emotional response. Although this book has been labeled racist or romanticized it has definitely been an eye opening experience. One thing in particular that caught my I was the treatment of "mixed" blacks and "full-blooded" blacks of each other.
Something that always bothered me was the cruelty of black people to other black people. Especially in a time when they should be helping each other. If any of you remember my blactoid about nappy hair. You'll remember me talking about how some people are obsessed with what is termed "good hair". That's not the only thing they can be obsessed with. It could be skin color or "black features". In the not so distant past a lot of black people wanted to "pass" for white people so that they could get ahead in life. Some black people saw this as a betrayal of their race. Some thought of it as an opportunity to improve the quality of their life.
In uncle Tom's Cabin there is a scene in Dinah's kitchen that epitomizes this. If you read you'll find Stowe writes:
"Come,--clar out, you! I can't have you cluttering up the kitchen," said Dinah; "in my way, foolin' round here."
"Aunt Dinah's glum, because she can't go to the ball," said Rosa.
"Don't want none o' your light-colored balls," said Dinah; "cuttin' round, makin' b'lieve you's white folks. Arter all, you's niggers, much as I am."
"Aunt Dinah greases her wool stiff, every day, to make it lie straight," said Jane.
"And it will be wool, after all," said Rosa, maliciously shaking down her long, silky curls.
"Well, in the Lord's sight, an't wool as good as bar, any time?" said Dinah. "I'd like to have Missis say which is worth the most,--a couple such as you, or one like me. Get out wid ye, ye trumpery,--I won't have ye round!"
A lot of other ethnic people I talk to tell me how much emphasis is placed on lighter skin or whiter features. Being about as black as they come I've never really had this problem. Stressing out over whether I could "pass", but I've definitely had a lot of comments on why I wasn't black enough for black people or how I was too black for black people and every other comment in between. I invariably get the question do I wish that I could have been born another color. To which I respond...well you'll just have to ask me yourself.
I guess what stuck out to me the most was not so much the treatment of blacks by whites, but how some black people would look down on others because of their skin color when that was what white people were doing to them. Mistreating them and acting like they weren't human. And then they would turn around and do the same. Crazy! Anyway more to come...I think I might just have to make a blactoid section.
Anyway have a good day and enjoy.
Tanika's Relationship Tip #6:If you want to have a good long term relationship, don't date someone solely for superficial reasons. This might seem like common sense, but I can't count the number of times I've seen couples or heard someone talk about a person they wanted to date because they thought the person was HOT or SEXY. Then you ask them what they liked about that person and it was limited to the physical. Now if all you are looking for is the physical then skip this tip. It isn't for you. The first thing you should be aware of is yourself. What kind of person are you: Intense/focused/laid back. Then KNOW what complements you. IF you are high strung the last thing you need is someone who is high strung. You'll drive each other crazy in a week. You need to be with someone who is sympathetic and knows and actually enjoys helping you relax. If you need to have space you can't be with an emotional co-dependent. You'll kill that person after a few hours. Like Chris Rock said. In a relationship you gotta be into the same stuff. If you are born again then they should be born again. If you are a crackhead they gotta be a crackhead. You can't be like:
"Hey where you are you going?"
"Church, what about you?"
"I'm going to hit the pipe."
Won't work.
Something that always bothered me was the cruelty of black people to other black people. Especially in a time when they should be helping each other. If any of you remember my blactoid about nappy hair. You'll remember me talking about how some people are obsessed with what is termed "good hair". That's not the only thing they can be obsessed with. It could be skin color or "black features". In the not so distant past a lot of black people wanted to "pass" for white people so that they could get ahead in life. Some black people saw this as a betrayal of their race. Some thought of it as an opportunity to improve the quality of their life.
In uncle Tom's Cabin there is a scene in Dinah's kitchen that epitomizes this. If you read you'll find Stowe writes:
"Come,--clar out, you! I can't have you cluttering up the kitchen," said Dinah; "in my way, foolin' round here."
"Aunt Dinah's glum, because she can't go to the ball," said Rosa.
"Don't want none o' your light-colored balls," said Dinah; "cuttin' round, makin' b'lieve you's white folks. Arter all, you's niggers, much as I am."
"Aunt Dinah greases her wool stiff, every day, to make it lie straight," said Jane.
"And it will be wool, after all," said Rosa, maliciously shaking down her long, silky curls.
"Well, in the Lord's sight, an't wool as good as bar, any time?" said Dinah. "I'd like to have Missis say which is worth the most,--a couple such as you, or one like me. Get out wid ye, ye trumpery,--I won't have ye round!"
A lot of other ethnic people I talk to tell me how much emphasis is placed on lighter skin or whiter features. Being about as black as they come I've never really had this problem. Stressing out over whether I could "pass", but I've definitely had a lot of comments on why I wasn't black enough for black people or how I was too black for black people and every other comment in between. I invariably get the question do I wish that I could have been born another color. To which I respond...well you'll just have to ask me yourself.
I guess what stuck out to me the most was not so much the treatment of blacks by whites, but how some black people would look down on others because of their skin color when that was what white people were doing to them. Mistreating them and acting like they weren't human. And then they would turn around and do the same. Crazy! Anyway more to come...I think I might just have to make a blactoid section.
Anyway have a good day and enjoy.
Tanika's Relationship Tip #6:If you want to have a good long term relationship, don't date someone solely for superficial reasons. This might seem like common sense, but I can't count the number of times I've seen couples or heard someone talk about a person they wanted to date because they thought the person was HOT or SEXY. Then you ask them what they liked about that person and it was limited to the physical. Now if all you are looking for is the physical then skip this tip. It isn't for you. The first thing you should be aware of is yourself. What kind of person are you: Intense/focused/laid back. Then KNOW what complements you. IF you are high strung the last thing you need is someone who is high strung. You'll drive each other crazy in a week. You need to be with someone who is sympathetic and knows and actually enjoys helping you relax. If you need to have space you can't be with an emotional co-dependent. You'll kill that person after a few hours. Like Chris Rock said. In a relationship you gotta be into the same stuff. If you are born again then they should be born again. If you are a crackhead they gotta be a crackhead. You can't be like:
"Hey where you are you going?"
"Church, what about you?"
"I'm going to hit the pipe."
Won't work.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Linens 'n Things...
****CAUTION:Please read disclaimer****
Disclaimer: This entry is written mainly to women of course by a woman. Please feel free to skip down to Tanika's Relationship Tip #5.
The other day my friend Shannon was showing me her Easter pictures with her family. For the past couple of years I have made fun of her son's Easter clothes because she dresses him up like he is a senior citizen. This year she went too far and put linen pants on him. She teamed it with a white cap and a pastel argyle sweater. I was like, "Shannon please. Xavier is going to beat you up when he gets older. Stop the madness now." Somehow or other we started talking about how comfortable linen was to wear, but of course how difficult it is to take care.
Then the next thing you know we were talking about various clothing styles that women have these days. We were saying why is it always the case that we have to sacrifice comfort to fashion. (Now for those of you who know me I RARELY sacrifice comfort to fashion, I couldn't care less) But on the whole we try to appear attractive/sexy/hot yet women will be soooo uncomfortable it's not even funny.
One of my good friends was out of work for 9 months so she spent a lot of time around the house. I've known her 10 years and she has always been a sharp dresser. Slowly however she started moving towards comfort (i.e. sweats, tee-shirts, and other loungewear). Her husband got fed up and bought her a new wardrobe and was like don't ever wear sweats again. I know guys want women to be attractive, but don't you understand how uncomfortable it can be?
Anyway moving along. We were talking about how nice most guys look in just jeans and a tee-shirt. It just isn't fair. As a matter of fact they can even lose the tee-shirt and it still works. Guys can even be attractive in sweats, but let us leave the house in sweats. People act like we have the plague.
Shannon and I marveled however at the fact that at some point most women seem to realize that comfort comes before fashion. That would explain pastel linen suits or pretty much any other pastel or electric blue blousy style clothing that middle age women wear. Remember the Golden Girls. All their clothes could be pulled six inches away from their body.
I say why wait 'til we are 45. We can start a new trend. Comfy pastel linen suits for everyone!
Just kidding. Kinda. In a way. Ummm...not really.
Tanika's Relationship Tip#5: Please check your previous (hypothetical/actual)relationship's emotional baggage at the relationship door. Do you have an ex? Do you have a triflin' ex? Most people whether they dated that person or not has had some sort of negative romantic experience with the opposite sex. If you haven't then feel free to skip this tip. The reality of it is that most people have been hurt/traumatized/rejected/mistreated/ignored/abused by someone of the opposite sex. It doesn't matter if we ever dated them. What matters is we let these negative experiences color the way we view someone we want to be in a relationship with now or in the future. This is hard not to do. I was telling a friend recently that because of negative marriage experiences I had seen in the past I didn't particularly want to get married and I didn't think most people who are married would stay married. As a result of some triflin' men in my life I usually think most guys are lying when they say they want something serious or commitment. I think they are just trying to get some and will say anything to get it. But the truth is because everyone is different it's the two people who make the relationship. Just like I wouldn't want someone to judge me based on what they see others do I should kindly do the same. Nothing undermines a relationship as quickly as anticipating the worst of your partner or even worse accusing them with the transgressions of someone else. If I could get this one down most of my relationships would probably be better. Anyway have a good day and as always enjoy.
Disclaimer: This entry is written mainly to women of course by a woman. Please feel free to skip down to Tanika's Relationship Tip #5.
The other day my friend Shannon was showing me her Easter pictures with her family. For the past couple of years I have made fun of her son's Easter clothes because she dresses him up like he is a senior citizen. This year she went too far and put linen pants on him. She teamed it with a white cap and a pastel argyle sweater. I was like, "Shannon please. Xavier is going to beat you up when he gets older. Stop the madness now." Somehow or other we started talking about how comfortable linen was to wear, but of course how difficult it is to take care.
Then the next thing you know we were talking about various clothing styles that women have these days. We were saying why is it always the case that we have to sacrifice comfort to fashion. (Now for those of you who know me I RARELY sacrifice comfort to fashion, I couldn't care less) But on the whole we try to appear attractive/sexy/hot yet women will be soooo uncomfortable it's not even funny.
One of my good friends was out of work for 9 months so she spent a lot of time around the house. I've known her 10 years and she has always been a sharp dresser. Slowly however she started moving towards comfort (i.e. sweats, tee-shirts, and other loungewear). Her husband got fed up and bought her a new wardrobe and was like don't ever wear sweats again. I know guys want women to be attractive, but don't you understand how uncomfortable it can be?
Anyway moving along. We were talking about how nice most guys look in just jeans and a tee-shirt. It just isn't fair. As a matter of fact they can even lose the tee-shirt and it still works. Guys can even be attractive in sweats, but let us leave the house in sweats. People act like we have the plague.
Shannon and I marveled however at the fact that at some point most women seem to realize that comfort comes before fashion. That would explain pastel linen suits or pretty much any other pastel or electric blue blousy style clothing that middle age women wear. Remember the Golden Girls. All their clothes could be pulled six inches away from their body.
I say why wait 'til we are 45. We can start a new trend. Comfy pastel linen suits for everyone!
Just kidding. Kinda. In a way. Ummm...not really.
Tanika's Relationship Tip#5: Please check your previous (hypothetical/actual)relationship's emotional baggage at the relationship door. Do you have an ex? Do you have a triflin' ex? Most people whether they dated that person or not has had some sort of negative romantic experience with the opposite sex. If you haven't then feel free to skip this tip. The reality of it is that most people have been hurt/traumatized/rejected/mistreated/ignored/abused by someone of the opposite sex. It doesn't matter if we ever dated them. What matters is we let these negative experiences color the way we view someone we want to be in a relationship with now or in the future. This is hard not to do. I was telling a friend recently that because of negative marriage experiences I had seen in the past I didn't particularly want to get married and I didn't think most people who are married would stay married. As a result of some triflin' men in my life I usually think most guys are lying when they say they want something serious or commitment. I think they are just trying to get some and will say anything to get it. But the truth is because everyone is different it's the two people who make the relationship. Just like I wouldn't want someone to judge me based on what they see others do I should kindly do the same. Nothing undermines a relationship as quickly as anticipating the worst of your partner or even worse accusing them with the transgressions of someone else. If I could get this one down most of my relationships would probably be better. Anyway have a good day and as always enjoy.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
New Edition
And I don't mean Ronny, Bobby , Ricky,Mike, Ralph and Johnnie. (Check out that link if you USED to like New Edition.) But for real. I added a tagboard to my sidepanel so that you can make comments on my blog without actually have to read my posts. I know this will appeal to Mark because he can't stand reading my posts anyway.
So even if you don't have time to read drop a line anyway. I'll holla back. As always have a good day and enjoy.
Tanika's Tip for Smoking Lips and Swiveling Hips aka Tanika's Relationship Tip #4: Don't listen to "gossip" about your significant other from well intentioned friends. There is nothing wrong with talking to your friends about your relationship it helps you talk things through in your own mind sometimes. But please don't take speculation your friends give you as the "gospel truth" and then react accordingly with your "partner" for lack of a better term. I';ve seen it happen many times when a friend will starts speculating about what he/she may be doing and you let those thoughts creep up and fester in your mind and then start acting out in response to them with your "partner" and undermine your relationship. If something seems weird or "not right" in your relationship take it up with your partner. Get advice on how to do it, but talk to that person.
So even if you don't have time to read drop a line anyway. I'll holla back. As always have a good day and enjoy.
Tanika's Tip for Smoking Lips and Swiveling Hips aka Tanika's Relationship Tip #4: Don't listen to "gossip" about your significant other from well intentioned friends. There is nothing wrong with talking to your friends about your relationship it helps you talk things through in your own mind sometimes. But please don't take speculation your friends give you as the "gospel truth" and then react accordingly with your "partner" for lack of a better term. I';ve seen it happen many times when a friend will starts speculating about what he/she may be doing and you let those thoughts creep up and fester in your mind and then start acting out in response to them with your "partner" and undermine your relationship. If something seems weird or "not right" in your relationship take it up with your partner. Get advice on how to do it, but talk to that person.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Getting Older...
For some reason whenever my birthday is drawing near I start reflecting a lot more on my life and what I'm doing and where do I see myself and all that jazz. I took a mental health day on Saturday and headed off to Long Beach to think about things and meditate.
Later I talked to my friend Lauren about something I had been thinking about. I was telling her that my friend Lisa is less than 2 years older than I am and she is married with 3 children and one on the way and they are buying a house and she is sooo responsible. She is who I go to for advice or just some good common sense when I'm having a problem. I said that next year I'll be the same age she is now and I said there is no way I could be as mature and responsible as she is to which Lauren laughed and said neither could she. I was telling her my sister is also 17 months older than I am and she also has 4 children and she pays mortgage and takes care of all these children and deals with all these responsibilities.
I thought will I ever be ready for that sort of thing. Man! It's just tough thinking about getting older let alone doing it. I don't mean to say that I haven't enjoyed my life because I have and I like the level of responsibilities that I have. Sometimes I wish I had less, but I always wonder if this is the way it will always be....Anyway that's just what I was thinking about. Have a good day and as always enjoy.
Tanika's Relationship Tip #3: Don't let other people set the pace of your relationship. I think this is pretty self-explanatory, but to avoid confusion I will elaborate. A lot of times in relationships people feel pressure from society, family, or friends to take their relationship to the "next level" whatever that means for each person. For example if two people get along really well and have been dating for 6 months people start jumping down their throat "so when are you getting married?" As if they don't have enough to think about. Or sometimes before you are ready you will start sleeping with/move in with/ build a life with someone when you aren't ready to move that quickly. The next thing you know you have been dating for 2 weeks and it feels like you have been together 2 years (2 incredibly long years). I think you should enjoy the process of getting to know someone, but that's just me. I've usually rushed into things in relationships because I felt that there were these "relationship markers" I had to get to based on what friends/family or society said. Then I would be miserable. I think the only people that should be setting the pace of a relationship are the people who are actually in it. Don't be afraid to let the other person know how you feel about the pace of your relationship. That's part of honesty and communication which I feel are key to any healthy relationship.
Later I talked to my friend Lauren about something I had been thinking about. I was telling her that my friend Lisa is less than 2 years older than I am and she is married with 3 children and one on the way and they are buying a house and she is sooo responsible. She is who I go to for advice or just some good common sense when I'm having a problem. I said that next year I'll be the same age she is now and I said there is no way I could be as mature and responsible as she is to which Lauren laughed and said neither could she. I was telling her my sister is also 17 months older than I am and she also has 4 children and she pays mortgage and takes care of all these children and deals with all these responsibilities.
I thought will I ever be ready for that sort of thing. Man! It's just tough thinking about getting older let alone doing it. I don't mean to say that I haven't enjoyed my life because I have and I like the level of responsibilities that I have. Sometimes I wish I had less, but I always wonder if this is the way it will always be....Anyway that's just what I was thinking about. Have a good day and as always enjoy.
Tanika's Relationship Tip #3: Don't let other people set the pace of your relationship. I think this is pretty self-explanatory, but to avoid confusion I will elaborate. A lot of times in relationships people feel pressure from society, family, or friends to take their relationship to the "next level" whatever that means for each person. For example if two people get along really well and have been dating for 6 months people start jumping down their throat "so when are you getting married?" As if they don't have enough to think about. Or sometimes before you are ready you will start sleeping with/move in with/ build a life with someone when you aren't ready to move that quickly. The next thing you know you have been dating for 2 weeks and it feels like you have been together 2 years (2 incredibly long years). I think you should enjoy the process of getting to know someone, but that's just me. I've usually rushed into things in relationships because I felt that there were these "relationship markers" I had to get to based on what friends/family or society said. Then I would be miserable. I think the only people that should be setting the pace of a relationship are the people who are actually in it. Don't be afraid to let the other person know how you feel about the pace of your relationship. That's part of honesty and communication which I feel are key to any healthy relationship.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Bocce Ball Madness...
I've heard of March Madness even Reefer Madness, but Bocce Ball Madness?!? Well I knew I heard it all when I talked to my friend Jason on Friday and he told me the lengths he was willing to go to just to play a little bocce ball.
For a hot second I was a little skeptical that it might be an April Fool's story, but then I remember how much Jason loves it. He told me that he found out there was a new bocce ball court/field/lawn (sorry I don't remember the exact term) near him. He had been practicing as often as he could on his own even though it is a team sport, but he said it wasn't the same as getting out there on a good green lawn. Whatever that means. Well anyway he slipped stealthily onto the bocce ball green Thursday and it seemed as though it was in use. He called to see and found out that they would be open for business on Friday. He said he was so eager to start playing that he contemplated sneaking back over later that evening and trying to play a little ball that night before they even opened. By this point I was laughing so hard. I mean really would you go to these lengths for bocce ball?
He said he was so excited that he was going to get to play on Friday that he couldn't sleep that night. He got up bright and early Friday morning and took his bocce balls and special gloves and headed out . Unfortunately they weren't open yet. It's a good thing that it was walking distance because the car park was still locked up. So he just walked around to the shop and waited for someone to come along and open up. When someone finally showed up there he was eagerly waiting with all his things and the guy asked Jason, "Hey are you lost?". I mean it was 7 am. Jason said no, but he was ready to play some bocce ball. Unfortunately it had rained the night before and the lawns were pretty wet. He had to wait (impatiently) for 15 minutes for them to "rake" I guess the term is some of the water out of the grass. He told me he enjoyed it. I thought he was a bit excessive, but hey aren't we all at times.
I have to admit I always thought bocce ball was something old Italian men played, but Jason has taught me that isn't true. I have to be honest and say that I have become very interested in bocce ball myself and am mildly interested in learning how to play.
Tanika's Relationship Tip#2: Don't string someone along, i.e. if you are or about to be in a relationship with someone be honest with the other person about your motives. If you aren't seriously trying to pursue something that's fine, but let the other person know. Especially if the depth of their feelings are greater than your own. For some reason this particular subject has been the topic of at least 5 conversations I have had this week. I know I have been guilty of this, especially with the most recent guy I dated. I wasn't in love with him and I knew I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him. Grief I didn't even want to spend the rest of the week with him, but I felt bad because he kept telling me I wouldn't give the relationship a chance. So instead of being straight with him I let things go on and on and when he said he loved me I almost flipped. (For the record I haven't ever been in love with anyone before). I realized that I had allowed things to go so far because of my cowardice and that I didn't know what to do without hurting his feelings. The point is there are people who are with someone else for reasons that aren't honest. Whether it's just the case that you enjoy the attention the other person gives you or you would rather have someone than be alone, or maybe you just like being a player. It isn't cool, because it's only a matter of time before the other person figures it out and gets hurt. As long as you both know where you stand then things are cool, but the moment games come into it well...there's no telling what might happen.
For a hot second I was a little skeptical that it might be an April Fool's story, but then I remember how much Jason loves it. He told me that he found out there was a new bocce ball court/field/lawn (sorry I don't remember the exact term) near him. He had been practicing as often as he could on his own even though it is a team sport, but he said it wasn't the same as getting out there on a good green lawn. Whatever that means. Well anyway he slipped stealthily onto the bocce ball green Thursday and it seemed as though it was in use. He called to see and found out that they would be open for business on Friday. He said he was so eager to start playing that he contemplated sneaking back over later that evening and trying to play a little ball that night before they even opened. By this point I was laughing so hard. I mean really would you go to these lengths for bocce ball?
He said he was so excited that he was going to get to play on Friday that he couldn't sleep that night. He got up bright and early Friday morning and took his bocce balls and special gloves and headed out . Unfortunately they weren't open yet. It's a good thing that it was walking distance because the car park was still locked up. So he just walked around to the shop and waited for someone to come along and open up. When someone finally showed up there he was eagerly waiting with all his things and the guy asked Jason, "Hey are you lost?". I mean it was 7 am. Jason said no, but he was ready to play some bocce ball. Unfortunately it had rained the night before and the lawns were pretty wet. He had to wait (impatiently) for 15 minutes for them to "rake" I guess the term is some of the water out of the grass. He told me he enjoyed it. I thought he was a bit excessive, but hey aren't we all at times.
I have to admit I always thought bocce ball was something old Italian men played, but Jason has taught me that isn't true. I have to be honest and say that I have become very interested in bocce ball myself and am mildly interested in learning how to play.
Tanika's Relationship Tip#2: Don't string someone along, i.e. if you are or about to be in a relationship with someone be honest with the other person about your motives. If you aren't seriously trying to pursue something that's fine, but let the other person know. Especially if the depth of their feelings are greater than your own. For some reason this particular subject has been the topic of at least 5 conversations I have had this week. I know I have been guilty of this, especially with the most recent guy I dated. I wasn't in love with him and I knew I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him. Grief I didn't even want to spend the rest of the week with him, but I felt bad because he kept telling me I wouldn't give the relationship a chance. So instead of being straight with him I let things go on and on and when he said he loved me I almost flipped. (For the record I haven't ever been in love with anyone before). I realized that I had allowed things to go so far because of my cowardice and that I didn't know what to do without hurting his feelings. The point is there are people who are with someone else for reasons that aren't honest. Whether it's just the case that you enjoy the attention the other person gives you or you would rather have someone than be alone, or maybe you just like being a player. It isn't cool, because it's only a matter of time before the other person figures it out and gets hurt. As long as you both know where you stand then things are cool, but the moment games come into it well...there's no telling what might happen.
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