Trapped in the Vestibule (Chapter 3 of 5)

in a brief recap I have been relating some events pertaining to a relationship this past year. I left with him saying that I disgust him. I was saying that I couldn't believe he had actually said that to me. Since we were texting each other he didn't get to fully appreciate the impact of his words as I burst out into hysterical sobbing...but wait a minute let's rewind for a second

Rewind<- He initiated the relationship, although I did go along with it, but remember I have been interested in this guy for a year and a half at this point. I thought I knew him and I thought I understood the kind of person he was. Also during the course of our relationship when I realized things weren't going well I tried to end it, seriously, on four different occassions. Each time he disregarded my feelings, fears, and concerns placating me with the belief that we were just going through a "bad patch" and that things were going to get better. (Yeah right!) So I optimistically believed that it would get better not so much because I BELIEVED they would, but because I HOPED they would.

Needless to say after that texted converstation we didn't talk for a while. I know what you are thinking. Why would I ever talk to him. This is the hard part to explain...I'm going to ask you to suspend your disbelief for a second and imagine (this may be hard for some or really easy for others) that you've never really had anyone show you that they love you in spite of your faults. They think you are wonderful and worthy of love without doing anything to deserve it. They are beside you through thick and thin, insanity and all. That's how it was in the beginning. I thought I was being loved unconditionally and experiencing that for, what I thought, was the first time was overwhelming and I was prepared to do anything...accept anything in order to recapture that. I thought maybe what we were going through WAS temporary and that if I was patient he would come around or change. That he would realize how much he had hurt me and was actually still deeply in love with me and that we could forgive and forget any bad things that happened. (Talk about self-delusion) So that's how it's possible that even after the last conversation I was still hoping he would come around and call me and abjectly apologize. (I needed that level of apology if I was going to get over what happened)

Then one night I did the ultimate...in a fit of desparation I called him because at the very least I needed us to end as friends or on speaking terms. I couldn't believe all we shared meant so little to him which was really why I was calling. I guess deep down I need to believe that those feelings he had for me were genuine otherwise...well that would mean that until that point I would know that again I was incapable of inspiring anyone to love me. And I couldn't take that not again.

When he finally took my call I could tell by the sound of his voice that he wished he never had to hear or speak to me again. Probably wishing he didn't even know I existed. I told him basically what I told you. That I wanted us to part friends. I also was secretly looking for reassurance. Needless to say he didn't give me any. He asked if I was too dense to get the message that he didn't want to speak to me again. Then he wounded me in the worse way. He told me the thing no woman wants to hear a man she cares about say..."I'm seeing someone else"...to be continued.

Please stayed tuned for Chapter 4 or "Trapped in the Vestibule".

Question...if the root of why he didn't want to be with me and treated me like dirt was because he was seeing someone all along why didn't he just leave me alone when I had tried to break up before. Is his ego so big that he needs to be the one who ends things with me in tears to feel good about himself? Has this ever happened to you? Why would a person feel the need to do this? Why couldn't I understand no matter how much I wanted it to be different human love is fallible and may not last forever.