All that Glitters...

As the day rapidly approaches for my family to come and visit me I find myself answering questions for them about what we will do, see, eat, etc. And the more I talk to them the more I realize that most of them have misconceptions about what to expect when you get to Los Angeles. The only one who has visited before is my little sister and she too finds it hard to dislodge the image that Los Angeles projects to the world.

It's funny, but I've been trying to recall what I anticipated when I first got here. I guess after living in Chicago and visiting New York I had LA all planned out and I was wrong. I forget how much of what I thought about LA had been formed from television, movies, songs, and hearsay. My older sister tries to tell me she already knows what it's like because her friends who have visited have told her, but she doesn't realize and what I and all immigrants to LA had to realize is visiting is one thing living here is another. Unless you came and stayed for more than a month you don't have a clue.

Los Angeles is one of the largest cities as far as land and people and is virtually impossible to see unless you can stay for more than a month. As a matter of fact I just went to a part of the city that I've never been to last night and I've lived here 4 years. And what I've found from everyone who's moved here it's never what you first imagined especially if all you know about is television. Los Angeles Demographics and Economics report will show that majority of people are not only unemployed, but homeless as well. A majority of the people live 250% below the poverty level. Los Angeles has one of the worst and overcrowded school districts that have been riddled with academic failure.

I'm not trying to discourage anyone from visiting just to realize that over course they make it seem glamorous on t.v. and of course there are wonderful things to do and see here and lots of fun to be had, but that about 90% of the population never sees that.

As always have a good day and enjoy.

"Can I quote you on that..."

In a mildly ego-centric moment I decided to google myself to see if it was still easy to find me. And up it still is. No excuses for anyone out there trying to find Tanika Evans. And you know what the best part is. My picture is the only one that comes up in images when you google me. Does this mean I need help...yes it does.

Anyway as I was looking I saw that I was quoted (the one I'm in is at the bottom of the page about math of course) in about saying that "If you ask a 9 or a 10 year old their favorite subject, they probably won't say math" I forgot I did this interview a while ago regarding an math intervention program I did with Mathnasium at a Los Angeles charter school called C.L.A.S.

I have to admit that was a very challenging undertaking and now as the director of the Mathnasium in that charter school I'm finally seeing the benefits of the educational seeds we sowed. I won't name names, but there are a few kids who attend that school that have been struggling in math and their parents enrolled them in the program and I've noticed how secretly they are excited about finally understanding things they thought they never would be able to, or having things explained in a way that makes sense. Why do I say secretly...well because it's still not "the thing" to be into math yet. We're working on it, but I see the change in their confidence and abilities and I guess that's what really matters.

Anyhoo back to looking at other people on the internet. As always have a good day and enjoy.

Behind the Music...*NSYNC

Ok...yes it is late at night and I'm online with nothing better to do, but I would like to take these idle moments to discuss a situation that I'm sure is on everyone's mind. What led to the break up of *NSYNC. Much like boy bands before them and the ones that will come after they enjoyed a few years of pop success only to fall apart with most of the members falling into social and economic obscurity, while one member rises steady in the limelight.

From the time people realized harmonies sound good and someone thought they were the best, to the name change from Jackson 5 to Michael Jackson and the Jacksons, including all the KC's and Jo-jos and everyone else who started as a part of a group to the tragic demise of the group, the rise and fall of the boy band has been ever in the public eye.

So we turn our focus to *NSYNC. With all the "talent" in the group why did they only last through the 90s? Why is Justin Timberlake enjoying and solo career while other band members struggle to make ends meet, attending C-list celeb parties?

I'll tell you why...there was first the classic mistake of only giving 2 members lead vocal time on most of the "radio play" songs. The problem is that in general most boy bands of their day sound exactly alike and the only mildly distinguishable "quality" is the lead vocals voice (or lake of quality, whatever). What you are left with is the fact that if anyone else sings lead no one else knows which group they are listening to and therefore doesn't care.

Second reason for the decline, the lead vocal can also not be a whinny, begging sort of guy. Because no matter what his voice sounds like women like that. As far as they are concerned the rest of the group can go take a flying leap. How else would you explain people like Keith Sweat, Levert, Johnny Gill, Luther Vandross, etc.

Third reason...one member is not allowed to look less ridiculous than the others. Justin Timberlake used to sport a ridiculous blond afro now he has a nice even low.

Fourth to combine all these in one video which is basically a combination of all three of these and add to that JT's massive ego. It was merely a matter of time. After Bye, Bye, Bye I knew it was the end for *NSYNC. There were all about to say bye, bye, bye :)

Anyway that's all I have to say about that. It's time to go to bed.

As always have a good day and enjoy.

Black Santa?

It was the Christmas of my 15th year and my family and I were busy with our holiday activities and plans. I had recently become friends with a Spanish foreign exchange student and his host family. We started going out and since this was before I was able to drive and my aversion to cars had set in my mother had to ferry us to and fro. As Christmas day drew near Tony's host family decorated their house and lawn with various Christmas paraphernalia such as a sleigh, reindeer and of course the piece de resistance, a jolly Santa Claus.





The first day Santa made his appearance we picked Tony up while it was still light outside, my mom dropped us off at the local teen hangout, we had a good time and then as we were dropping Tony off for the evening after nightfall we noticed something peculiar about the Santa in the yard...His skin was of a darker nature than what one would expect from Santa. On the way home my family and I discussed the possibility of their being a black santa in the yard. We found this odd as neither Tony nor his host family were black. We debated back and forth about whether or not the Santa was black. I being of the mind that Santa wasn't black and they being of the mind that he was. Not reaching any sensible conclusions we all went to bed.





The next time we went over to Tony's if was after night fall and as we sat in the car waiting for him to come out we studied Santa's face and I was more convinced than ever that it was merely the thickness of the plastic causing Santa to appear to be of a more ethnic origin. My family begged to differ. We argued about this until Tony came out. Still no solid conclusions.





At this point I know what you are thinking, why don't we stop this ridiculous conversation or better still why not just look at the Santa during the day. Well first, my family would never drop an argument no matter how trivial and second looking at Santa during the day smacked a little too much of common sense.





Over the next week we debated back and forth about the Santa. Then one night over a family gab session things got pretty heated. We all were presenting our case for the ethnicity of Santa we had pictures, drawings, light meters, and light diffusion through medium charts, but to no avail. As the night wore on and none of us would budge we decided to go inspect the Santa...mind you it was well after midnight at this point. So we all threw on our coats and drove over to Tony's where we argued heatedly in the car about the ethnicity of the lawn Santa. None of us would get out of the car because a) it was freezing and b) we didn't feel like getting arrested for the nutcases we were by creeping over the yard and inspecting the Santa.





Now after all this and all these years I can't very well tell you what conclusions we came to that night, but I will say this I'm sure I was right :)





I hope everyone enjoys this holiday season and if for some reason this might be a difficult time for you and you don't have happy memories of Christmas past just think about my story and remember how lucky you are not to be as crazy as my family is.





As always have a good day and enjoy.

Telationship rips?

Once upon a time I, a self-proclaimed connoisseur of relationship folly(especially the male/female kind), wrote what I will fondly refer to as tips about relationships. Not necessarily romantic relationships, but what I hoped were tips that were useful in other relationship arenas as well.

Over the past year however as I've struggled in personal growth and development I've been spending so much time looking at my internal struggle that I've neglected the external struggles around me. Each of us has so much going on within ourselves and with those closest to us that there is never a shortage of examples of what might, could, and does go awry in human relationships. Once someone asked me why I don't like dramas, be it film, television or books, and I replied because I have so much going on in my own life and the life of those around me that I don't need to be stressed out about some more that isn't even real.

The real question is are we looking at them? Learning from them? Dare I say it, maturing as a result of them? As I shared in the previous post recently someone I know was talking to me about a relationship dilemma they had. The topic of the conversation...unrequited love (or other lesser, but still meaningful emotion). Recently I've been having this same conversation with different people. I've spoken to both men and women, requiter and requitee, and even mildly biased observers of the situation. And whether we like it or not as long as people are attracted to people and other people aren't, unrequited love will always be an issue.

After recently watching a clip from one of Madea's live performances, I was again reminded of one really important thing. If you want to be with someone and they don't want to be with you...let them go, and move on. Now I'm not saying moving on is easy or that you will get over it quickly, but if you don't try you will be that person that annoys all your friends with "Woe is me, why won't he/she love me, why can't we be together" sob stories over and over again. You will also be the person who can't have an emotionally stable relationship with anyone else because you will always be thinking about what might have been. Nothing kills peace and happiness faster that the "what ifs" and "might have beens".

Now on the flip side if you are the unrequitee (is this a word) you're also faced with the tough decision of dealing with the unrequited love. How do you handle it when someone comes to you and professes feelings that you don't return and usually wasn't even thinking about returning? Well the best thing is to be honest with that other person because there's nothing more vulnerable than a person who has just put themselves out their emotionally and from the people I've been speaking with there is nothing worse than false hope, except probably the instant where you realize it was false hope. There are so many people walking around with bitterness right now because someone held that false hope out to them that something could happen when they knew it wouldn't. The next thing to do would be to take a time out and examine your feelings because maybe it's possibly the love isn't unrequited after all, but if you need that time tell the other person, please. A soul-destroyer exercise is one that involves open ended emotional stress and tension.

Now after all this has been worked out no new relationship has been formed, there is a tendency for the unrequitee to want things to go back to the way the used to be, to want to "still be friends", but that isn't going to happen. As long as men and women are different, this won't happen, unless both parties are mature enough to handle the shift in the relationship. You have to understand that 99% of the time it wasn't anything the unrequitee knowingly did to stir affections beyond friendship, but they feel like they needed to be guarded and that changes the entire relationship from easy going friendship to high tension.

Be that as it may, I'm at the end of this for now. No conclusions of what can be done, but at least I know what's going on :) well, mostly.


As always have a good day and enjoy.

Depth, Porcupines and other Hodgepodge

The other day an employee of mine came to me with a serious personal problem they wanted to talk over and ask some advice about. It was concerning a matter of the heart which at the best of times can be a tricky business. I listened patiently and gave them my honest opinion of the subject, but said ultimately it was there decision to make. Another emotional employee crisis averted, right?

When I took on the role as director I initially realized that I was going to be dealing with things that were beyond my hitherto experience. Learning how to run a business, effective time management (still haven't gotten that down) and coordinating human and physical resources to accomplish goals. What I hadn't anticipated was being a "counselor" for lack of a better term. Since day one though it's been a full time job in and of itself.

I'm am an intensely private person and wouldn't dream of ever talking to my boss about personal problems. Not that he wouldn't listen as a matter of fact he's always getting on me about not talking to him more. But I now realize that between employees, adminitrators, and students they're coming, ready or not. Most people can't function very well in their professional lives when they are having drama in their personal lives (this had not really occured to me until this week, I know I'm slow on the uptake).

At the beginning of this week another employee came to me with a problem of a more serious nature. I felt completely inadequate to the task of assisting so I just listened and suggested they speak with someone with more experience in that area. I also have been slowly finding out that when people's personal lives are haywire they don't compartmentalize like I do (the ever resilient porcupine), but instead their personal lives not only leak into their professional ones they postively flood. If those problems aren't dealt with then they aren't as effective at work which causes even more problems.

I find myself emotionally drained at the end of the day after dealinng with the various and sundry situations shared with me throughout the day. I'm not expecting any solutions to this I just needed to pull a (what they do to me all the time) on my own blog. I guess people do like talking to me when they have a problem (even me).

As always have a good day and enjoy.

Why I like Pigs So Much....

If you've hung out with me for more than 15 minutes you'll know that not only do I like pigs more than is probably healthy, I also collect them, wear articles of clothing that with pigs on it, and I have a pig on my desktop and somehow attached to all websites I currently manage.

Out of all the animals I could have a yen for so to speak why, you might ask (as a bunch of kids asked me a couple of days ago) would I like pigs? First of all the reason I even started liking pigs was because originally I didn't like them. I know this sounds crazy, but when I was younger I spent a couple of field trips visiting farms and inevitably there were pigs. One of the farmers who also liked pigs was showing me how smart they are and how friendly they are. As I started learning more about them I realized how amazing they are. And I realized that it's easy to get put off by the outward appearance of something without looking deeper. That's when I got my first pig, Levin who I still have to this day sitting up on my bookshelf. Now I like pigs because I actually think they are cute. I guess that's what happens when you love something, you see the beauty that is there even when no one else does. Now I like pigs on a different level because they remind me that it's easy to judge by outward appearances, but remember I should be more concerned about what's inside.

Another reason I like pigs is because they have personality. Yeah I know that's what everyone says, but it's probably because they have personality similar to mine. If you read that article you'll know it's pretty much true. Unlike most other animals, cats being the exception (unless you are feeding them), pigs are aloof and don't trust easily. You have to earn their trust a few treats and neck rubs aren't going to do the trick. They are also very intelligent. And they are more trainable than dogs, and unlike most animals, have the learning skills of primates. They are also very loyal to who they bond with, friendly, patient, and enjoy listening to music. What's not to like?

But I know everyone doesn't agree with me. Someone, in their "wisdom", tried to tell me why I shouldn't like pigs. First of all they are so dirty, when in actual fact if you read links I've included you'll see that they like to keep their living areas clean. Yes, they roll around in mud and dirt, but most people aren't smart enough to figure out why. The truth is that pigs have extremely fair skin and if they don't coat themselves in dust and mud they will get sunburned. I've been on plenty of farms in the summer, never seen a sunburned pig. However, in LA (and I won't even confine it to the summer), I see people sunburned all the time. I of course don't have this problem, but when I ask why they don't use sunblock I get ridiculous answers like they forgot or all my burns turn to tan (or as I like to think of it: skin cancer). A pig is smart enough to not get sunburned are you?

Yeah I know none of you are going to go out and start proclaiming the wonders of the porcine nature, but maybe next time you'll look past that wriggling snout to those sharp intelligent eyes and think, "Maybe you're not so bad after all."

As always have a good day and enjoy.

If it wasn't for those meddling kids...

Recently, someone who I work with was telling me how they want to have 11 children. Personally I was in mild shock because I was wondering how they would support this number of children on their current budget. Maybe they were thinking of the number they wanted if they won the lottery.

I was also baffled because I couldn't figure out how in the world this person who could barely handle 3 kids a time would even try to have more than that. I know there's a book about it taking a small village to raise a child, but you don't have to have your own village.

I guess I had this strong reaction because recently I've seen some parental examples that have left much to be desired. I can only imagine what it must be like growing up, day in day out feeling helpless and trapped in a bad situation that you have no control over. And before anyone starts jumping all over me, no I don't have any children of my own, but I have helped raise 3 and I've been working with children for more years than I care to tell you because then you'll know my age. But I don't need to be a parent to see when a child is hurting.

Sometimes I feel so ineffective when I see them struggling and unsure and I can't really do much of anything and it's pretty hard to try to reassure them that things will get better. I look into young eyes that should show eager inquisitiveness and I see cynicism and hopelessness. I've observed the arbitrary methods that some parents use with their children. I try to tell myself that it's merely a misguided but serious attempt to raise them correctly, though I know it isn't.

Then I am amazed at a child's ability to overcome all of these things and still have dreams and goals. To not give into the despair of their circumstances.

It's been a rough week. Feel free to comment.

As always have a good day and enjoy.

IQ Obsession

I know I haven't posted for a while, but I've been busy with this, that and the other. My most recent obsession being IQ tests. I know what most of you are thinking. About how biased they are and how they don't really measure what a person knows. They don't test in areas that don't allow for quantitative analysis. And you'd be right.

So what is the purpose of an IQ test? I read an interesting article that partially answers that question. Not fully but it's very interesting. I guess I recently became obsessed with them because of the standardized testing whether it's a state test, SAT, ACT, or the CAHSEE, that I have been helping students prepare for. I noticed a strong correlation between these tests and IQ tests I have seen in the past.

Whether you like it or not testing, whether written or oral, is essential for the accurate assessment of an individual to determine how best to serve them in the process of acquiring and assimilating information. Fortunately or unfortunately as society "progresses" the need for highly developed skills and knowledge is essential to be "successful" if you don't care about that then don't read the rest of this post, if you do then continue. Education, in whatever form it takes, is an integral part of this. So making sure a child can receive maximum benefits from their education is also important. Hence the need for testing which allows for the ability to customize based on individual needs as opposed external standards.

From personal and professional experience in education, testing, evaluating and tutoring I have noticed that students who have consistently low standardized tests scores, regular test scores, and poor classroom performance struggle more academically than those with consistently higher marks. This doesn't mean that many outside factors don't contribute to these scores, but that for whatever reason the student is unable to demonstrate critical thinking skills and knowledge they should have acquired up to whatever level they are testing.

I have worked with MANY students who according to their marks from various tests and classroom grades are Below Basic and Far Below Basic, where Basic is considered to be at grade level according to state standards. Most of those students have been successful as a result of the programs that I have used with them, but it required many ours of individual attention and academic struggle on the side of the student. Where as the students who I have worked with that are Above Basic or Advanced usual require minimal instruction with the exception of topic introduction and demonstrating a few examples to obtain information that according to state standards they should know. And quite a few of them are able to figure things out on their own even if they encounter a new topic because of their highly developed critical thinking skills, logic, and knowledge acquisition abilities.

Essentially the major purpose of all the tests that are being developed is to see how effective someone is at demonstrating the critical thinking skills, logic, and knowledge acquisition abilities and retention. Because the truth is, that's what it takes to be successful in our current society.

If any of you would like to argue the point fine, but consider this first. When you are at work and your boss gives you a problem to solve. Does he/she come back later and ask you if you know about the problem and a possible solution or Does he/she come back to see a solution(s) to the problem or optimally to see you have already solved the problem?

If it's the former where do you work and why isn't it out of business and if it's the latter then obviously you have a job in the real world.

As always have a good day and enjoy.

Man...p2

...picking up where I last left off is mildly difficult because so many other interesting things have been happening, that I would like to diverge from my current course of posts and write about those things. However I have ADD so bad that if I do that then I'll never get back on track. So back to unraveling my twisted thread...

A couple of weeks ago I was having a conversation with an 8 year old girl I've been working with. She asked, "Tanika, why do people want to try and touch stars?" and I said, "Because they think they are really beautiful and look like jewels shining in the sky." Thinking this was the end of that particular conversation I was returning back to our work when she said, "But that doesn't make any sense. First, they are so far away it would take them forever to get to them even if they were going really fast, second the stars are made of burning gas so even if they could touch it, it would probably kill them. Don't they know that?" And I of course said yes most people know that stars are made up of burning gases. She said then why do they say they want to touch them then. I told her I would have to get back to her on that one.

I was reflecting on this over the weekend, thinking how the perception of holding a star and the reality of holding a star reflect how I view men and my relationships with them. No I don't think men are stars. But when I think about the relationships I've had with men in the past both romantic and nonromantic. I thinking about how this epitomizes my approach to relationships with men as more than friends. When I think about how beautiful being with some could be or how wonderful it could to have that level of intimacy with someone I want to be as close I as I can possibly get, holding it close to my heart. But the reality is that much like a star it's really this huge chaotic, roiling mass of gases and chunks of rock. I think about how heated, chaotic, and dangerous my relationships with men have been in the past and I'm reminded of what could happen if I try to hold this thing close to my heart. I will be burned. I think about my own inner turmoil and I wonder why I would want to add that into my equations.

tanika's inner life = chaos

tanika's inner life + man = catastrophic chaos

But I forget the first thing I said to the 8 year old. There is a beauty in those stars that others can see. They see more than the beauty they see it's origins and it's endings. They see the beautiful complexity of balance and light and even knowing that trying to hold it close to you will be dangerous, they still desire to touch the star.

I on the other hand can't get past the burning ball of gas. Sometimes though I forget and I see only the beauty and I am entranced into reaching, stepping closer but as I hold out my hand I remember what I'm actually trying to hold and my heart turns cold and I look away no longer interested in touching any more until he next time, the beauty catches my eye.

Does this mean that I don't currently have friendships that are nice with men? No it doesn't, but I do notice that I tend to avoid conflict in those relationships (truthfully I avoid conflict in most relationships). I do have conflict, but I like it resolved as quickly as possible otherwise I get sick thinking about something where I'm in conflict with someone and it negatively affects all aspects of my life. I'm not a conflict ignorer which some people confuse this with. If something isn't right I will say something, but I'm usually diplomatic and if I'm not then I must feel so strongly about it that I'm risking falling out with someone over it, and the risk is worth it to me.

I was talking about this with some friends this weekend and I never really realized this about myself until that moment. Truthfully speaking this weekend was one for epiphanies and will definitely spark some posts and short stories in the future. Alright I have to get back to the daily grind, just kidding I love my job.

As always have a good day and enjoy.

Man...p1

I've decided to get back to the most unpleasant task of attempting to unravel the twisted thread that is my thoughts, emotions, and feelings with a topic that I've been pondering for nigh on 27 years. Ok if I'm truthful it's more like 22 years, but really when I'm senile will it matter?

I was in conversation with some friends at a barbecue last week and we were discussing the female disillusionment of the male and believe it or not there were a few straight guys participating in this conversation so it wasn't some sort of male bashing party. I actually brought up a comment a male friend of mine said to me recently about how a lot of women, at least in LA have made it difficult for a guy to be tender, gentlemanly or sensitive because of the strong, independent, anti-male stance they have taken towards guys. Although he is still a nice guy, he says when he tries to approach a woman in a sensitive and caring manner he is usually shut down, rejected or whatever you want to call it, he said after that happens to a man a few too many times it makes him harder and rougher towards women in order to actually have a semi-decent relationship with someone. I know this doesn't make sense, but that's what he said. Then I said women generally behave that way in order to protect themselves because they too have been approached a time too many by men who aren't trying to be sensitive or caring.

Argh!!! I've gotten off track from my original purpose. Anyway this conversation started my thoughts towards my feelings toward the opposite sex. Pressure from friends and family to get together with someone, settle down, and start a family notwithstanding I'm generally wary of the opposite sex and for various reasons I'm not particularly interested in having a long term (i.e. marriage) relationship with one of them now or in the future. Please reread the previous sentence and make sure you understand what I just said instead of jumping to to the conclusion that I said I don't ever want to get married because that isn't what I just said.

This past year I've been struggling with a lot of the aforementioned reasons from the past and present about my feelings toward men trying to separate out truth from fiction and how I can best reconcile my issues and decide what I really want in life. I can't say if there has been any progress because I really feel like I've been running around my issues in circles instead of really addressing them head on.

In an attempt to redress this I thought back to some of my first memories of crushes, interactions with men, and impressions of male behavior and I remember making a comment to my mother who still thinks this is a funny story, but which really gets to the heart of one of the things I've struggled with my whole life. Some of you already know this because you've heard her tell this story, but when I was 6 years old I told her quite succinctly that when I grew up I wanted to marry a weak, white man. Notice my adjectives. Not just a white man, but a weak one. I wanted someone who I could feel safe with who was non-threatening and when I looked around this is what I came up with. When pressed by family and friends to justify my choice in a marriage partner I told them that I wanted someone who wouldn't give me any problems, that I knew if he tried something I'd whip his (insert expletive here). I was a foul mouthed 6 year old by the way. Coming from a metropolitan area and being the child of someone in the military I had the opportunity of traveling quite a bit even before I turned 6 years old and I had observed/experienced the behavior of single and married men towards friends, family, and coworkers. I had, at that tender young age, found what I was looking for. I didn't want romance, weddings with a zillion bridesmaids, or children out the wazoo. I wanted security and safety. You see at that time I thought everyone had to get married I didn't realize that there was this option of actually staying single and enjoying my life.

When I was growing up I never had a pretend wedding, talked about what I would name my children, thought about the guy I would marry and what he would be like. I'm not saying I haven't dated or haven't been interested in or attracted to men romantically, but if I ever dreamed of being with someone for the rest of my life he has always been faceless. There have been guys who I've really be interested in and definitely thought of in the sense of being with them, but the more I dwelt on the idea to more I went off it. This isn't an offence to any of the guys out there who I have dated but the thought of spending the rest of my life with any of them made me want to vomit then and thinking about it now makes me want to vomit. That's sounds harsh but it's what I felt then and what I feel now. I realize it wasn't really them it's me. The thought of being in a relationship with someone for the rest of my life makes me feel trapped, constrained and vaguely nauseated.

I've grown older, I've matured, and I've learned a lot about life, the good, the bad, and the ugly and while now I have plenty of guy friends who I enjoy the company of and love spending time with them, deep inside I still have the same feelings of that 6 year old. I wasn't really interested in being married to a weak, white man in particular. I wasn't really interested in being married at all. It was more about what I wasn't interested in being married to.

As you can see by the title that says p1 (meaning part 1) I have come to no conclusions and this is what I'm thinking now. I might be thinking something completely different tomorrow.

Married...with children!

Yesterday Lisa sent me a message asking about the origin of a name. When I got home I told her it was Moroccan. She laughingly says of course you would know that Tanika. I on the other hand thought it was common knowledge which just proves how unaware I am of things at times. She asked me what language they spoke in Morocco and I said French, Arabic and English (I forgot about Spanish until this morning). She wondered how in the world I know anything about Morocco and I casually dropped the bombshell that I had been engaged to a man from Morocco for about 2 months.

I hadn't realized that I never told her about that. You become so comfortable with your life that minor details like that slip your mind because you assume that if people know you then they know things like that about you. Anyway she mentioned it would be funny to put this in a blog post to mess with other people like I messed with her. However, like I told Lisa last night, I was actually engaged to this man for about 2 months, though it was unofficial until we had parental consent.

To give you a little history. I met him when I was 15 years old and he and a group of his friends were visiting the United States. I heard a group of guys trying to figure out how to get downtown and trying to get directions. The only problem was they didn't speak any English, they were speaking French. Of course with the eagerness of my budding language skills I offered my assistance and quickly hit it off with aforementioned fiance. They went downtown and I went shoe shopping with my mother. As I pondered the fate of the traveling Moroccans, I used my cunning intellect and my silver tongue to convince my mother we needed to go downtown to make sure these guys reached their destination. I wouldn't have felt right if they were lost in a strange city of non-French speaking people.

We found them downtown (after some serious searching on my part) and met up had dinner and some good times. I exchanged information with Mr. R (as I will refer to my ex-fiance) and over the course of the next year we corresponded spoke on the phone and he visited the U.S. twice to see me. I was a precocious teenager. Needless to say our relationship progressed to a point where the next logical step was marriage. At least for him. Realize I'm a 16 year old at this point just trying to enjoy myself. I refuse to tell you how old Mr. R is because I know you will only say "I knew it Tanika!" Anyway I knew the matter was becoming serious when he suggested our parents meet to discuss my dowry. To shorten this story, clearly we didn't get married, I'm still single. The problem was he wanted to get married then. I was going to have to stop school and move to Morocco. As you can tell my mom was pretty laid back about all this, but she was adamant that I was going to finish school first. There was also the religion issue. He wanted me to become a Muslim, but I didn't want to. My mom wouldn't give her consent so we would have to wait until I was 18. He didn't want to wait and shortly there after we stopped talking. I mean what else was there?

I always wondered what would have happened if my mom said yes and gave her consent. Would we have been able to work out our differences? Would I be married in Morocco speaking French with 15 million kids? I guess we'll never know.

Anyway, now you know a little bit more about me. I guess I'm not a guts spilling sort of person and even though something momentous happens, it gets relegated to the back of my mind to be replaced by more immediate issues.

As always have a good day and enjoy.

Long Time, No Post

I wanted to make sure I got a post in before August flew by at the same harrowing speed as May, June and July. It's been crazy down here in the CC since the beginning of last month. As the "summer" draws to a close (actually in LA it starts getting hotter at the end of August and September) the pace will only continue to quicken, so in light of that I've decided to start enjoying my free time more.

As an addendum to the last post and any other posts inspired by it, I've decided to start making positive efforts toward connecting with people (not necessarily everyone), sharing things I love with people who also love them as well, and getting out and enjoying my life just a little bit more.

Ok I know that was cheesy, but hey this is coming from a person who is afraid of soggy cereal so what do you expect? I've been taking the initiative more in my relationships with people. I realize that part of the problem is my own reticence and the other part is other people's. I was talking to a friend the other day who happens to have their birthday in the same week as my own (born in the same year) and we were saying that as we get older we realize how much of our lives have passed without truly enjoying them or living them, at least the way we want to live them.

To that end, I did something Friday night that I have never done before and it was great!! Sort of, I mean the hysterical screaming part wasn't that great but everything else was kinda cool. Oh yeah my legs are pretty sore as well, but I figure that's a small price to pay. That's just what happens when you are running from boiling hot lava I suppose. Then when the evening ended with a drunken brawl, I knew I was living life. Who wouldn't love frolicking on Venice Beach in the middle of the night?

Have a good day, and as always enjoy.

The balance of power...in my mind

To explain what I mean by balance of power, the overarching theme of my struggles over the past year , taking place in my mind, stems from my desire to have deep genuine community with others battling with my need for personal space because the interaction I'm getting is overwhelming, draining and usually of a superficial nature which annoys me and eventually sickens me causing me to lose my desire for close relationships with others because of our lack of ability to connect. This in turn causes me to realize that I don't have genuine community with anyone and I desire it again only to encounter community of the same type that annoyed me before. Over the past several months I have been meditating on the subject of conflict both in my personal life and in my social life. Recently at Kairos they were talking about conflict, way to resolve conflict, and why it's important to resolve conflict.

I started thinking about the conflict in my own life and how I let it dictate to me who I am and how I feel. Most specifically my internal conflict, or least what I perceive as "internal". This past year has been a rough one , I've had work issues, issues from my past, family problems, major health issues, and a million and one other tedious things that drive a person crazy come up and I've struggled to deal with them, hopefully over come them, or at the very least live with them. The key here is that I'm saying I dealt with them, not we, but I. I'm not saying my family and friends weren't supportive, but I felt something missing even in the midst of supportive efforts.

One of the things that have made these things cause more turmoil inside of me is me. I know, I know, why would I make things worse for myself, but that's part of my conflicted nature as well. Over the past year I've been feeling disconnected from the Christian community that I'm a part of as well as the other communities in which I interact. This has been difficult for many reasons mostly because of my desire to have a few people who I feel connected to that understand me, love me, but still challenge me.

The disconnectedness in the Christian community is the hardest for me to deal with because the reason I moved out to the west coast in the first place was to be a part of the very community from which I now feel estranged. Because of my personality, there are few people that I don't feel a need to have a distance with in the first place. However this past year because of pressure of work that made it difficult to interact in social functions or gatherings coupled with personal life stress that made me want to pull away from other people around me I've felt my distance from people even more. An interesting point the was made in one of the talks at Kairos was that when there is a problem with one part of the community if affects the entire community. I thought about that in relation to myself. I was thinking that even though I feel that my struggles are personal and internal they are actually affecting the entire Christian community regardless of how connected or disconnected I feel from it. I'm still a part of it.

Hence one of the things that caused me great personal conflict early this year. I have had a combination of health issues which I won't go into now. But they reached a point of severity where I needed to go to the hospital. I called someone who I'm good friends who I don't mind talking about things with and told them I need some assistance as I wouldn't be able to get to the closest hospital under my own steam. They weren't going to be able to do it so that called a mutual friend of ours. This person took me to the hospital much to my relief and in concern asked what was wrong. Now I understand that in a community we are all concerned and we care about other people and when someone is hurt we want them to get better, we pray for them other things as well. However my health issues were of a personal nature of which I would only feel comfortable discussing with close friends. After I returned home and through the next few months I received extremely personal inquiries about my health from people who barely know me. This let me know that what I considered a personal problem had definitely affected others around me. The only problem was they didn't realize how insensitive I found it when they would ask me something that I really felt was none of their business because of the nature of the problem, when it was from people who I barely exchange pleasantries with. This made me so upset that I didn't want to talk to anyone for quite sometime following. I'm the type of person who doesn't feel comfortable talking about mundane subjects with people that I'm not close to let alone personal matters and it bothered me that people who wouldn't say things to me in other circumstances felt that they could in these. (Realize, I'm excluding people who know me well and understood whether or not we could talk about certain things or if I found it too personal of a question) I was extremely upset and struggled for a while afterward because I had lost all faith and confidence in other people's abilities to be sensitive to the feelings of others. I think I communicate pretty effectively the type of person I am when it regards things I discuss with other people, which made this even more difficult. Whether I was right or wrong did not change how I felt.

I think one of my major personal issues that crosses over into social issues I have with the Christian community in which I function is that people don't say what they feel or what they think so that we all realize that we are sharing common hopes, fears, and anxieties. A few posts ago I wrote more extensively about my feelings of disconnectedness which applies in this situation. This is also wrapped up in my desire and need for accountability that I struggle with as well. When I interact with people and because I have a tendency to actually say what I'm thinking and feeling and am sometimes verbally rebuffed I don't feel like sharing what I'm struggling with. Then I find out later that those same people I was talking with were struggling with the same things too, but didn't say anything.

It's not that I'm saying people aren't genuine, that they aren't real and they don't desire something profound and genuine, what I'm saying is they don't communicate it. I understand that people don't immediately go to deep levels in their relationship, but there needs to be a place where we are who we are. Broken, messy, conflicted, and real. I don't get that from many people regardless of the community in which I look. Not that they aren't there, but maybe they are reticent about opening up for their own conflicted reasons.

I always tell people that the Tanika you see is the Tanika you get, maybe not all of me, but what you are seeing is the genuine me. If you want to learn more please see details inside the package. What I want is for someone to say the same to me about themselves.

Alright this has gone on long enough. As always have a good day and enjoy.

From the mouths of babes...

My sister sent me this conversation she had with her children. I'm not sure what sparked the conversation. For the record Gina age 9, Daniel age 12, Joshua age 6, Andrew age 1.

Went like this:

Gina: Mommy, what were doctor's offices like in the olden days when you were little? Did you see a real doctor or an intern.

Daniel: Shut up Gina, she's not that old. She's only a little old.

Gina: I'm just saying, back then, real doctor's looked at you, not high school graduates.

Joshua: I remember back in the day, when I was 4, mommy took Andrew to the doctor for an ear infection. They didn't fix him, so we saw an alternative doctor. He was called a chiropractor. He acupunctured Andrew and the ear infection drained out.

Gina: Did you have to pay for that?

Tasha: Yes.

Gina: Why do you have to pay the bill, when the doctor's don't fix you. That's like stealing with permission.

A Dream Deferred...(meditation)

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore-- And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

-Langston Hughes

About a week ago I was taking the train to Manhattan Beach and while I waited at aviation station I noticed, displayed on transparent plastic were various poems and sayings. In particular the one above titled "A Dream deferred" by Langston Hughes. I read it over and over again. Thinking about the words as I boarded the train. As some of you know I can think about things for days, weeks or even years on end without reaching conclusions. Meditating on deeper meaning, trying to unwrap the shrouded mystery of character, ideology, even perception through prolonged internal struggle to find something concrete.

Last night I was thinking about this poem in conjunction with a scene from the movie "Sixth Sense". I know what you might be thinking at this point. What does a Langston Hughes poem and an M. Night Shyamalan movie have in common? There is a scene where Dr. Malcolm Crowe is talking to the young boy, Cole. He asked him to think about what he wants to get out of the time he is spending with Dr. Crowe. Cole responds, "Instead of something I want, can it be something I don't want?". He proceeds to tell Dr. Crowe he doesn't want to be scared anymore. I was reflecting that this was his dream. Not to be scared anymore.

Sometimes our dreams aren't this inborn need to leave our mark on this earth in hopes that in hundreds of years someone will think, "Man that so and so sure was something!". Maybe our dream is to be happy, to live at peace with ourselves, or finally move on from an oppressive past that won't seem to let us go. What happens to us when that dream is deferred?

Sometimes our dreams are of grandeur, of beauty, or glorious change that we know are impossible, but still hope for in the corners of our mind. If we don't achieve them we are still whole, moving on to something reasonable, that keeps us happy and enriches our lives. What happens to the other people with the inward dreams of personal change? When their dreams are deferred what can they do?

Feel free to share your thoughts. As always have a good day and enjoy.

I know I know...

Yes...I'm aware that I was supposed to blog about my Caribbean cruise, but as you can see I have not. I wish I could say I'm sorry about that, but I'm not. I don't feel like blogging about that. I've already talked about it, made a photo album and a mini-scrapbook for my family. I can't take it anymore...for right now. Suffice to say it was nice, good food, sleep and relaxation. I had a holiday romance with a crew member, who was from Croatia and spent a lot of good time with my family.

On another note I was washing clothes tonight reflecting on a conversation I had with a friend this afternoon. I was telling her that as a person who struggles with a nonconformist nature (I still haven't figured out if it's good or bad) I've been feeling out of sorts recently (and by recently I mean for a long time) with the fact that not only do I feel like I'm floating on the outskirts of society in general, but people that I'm around most of the time specifically. I acknowledge openly that I feel differently, think differently and act differently than most of my peers and for that matter people I don't know as well. I was telling her that being different doesn't bother me (at least on the superficial external level) but my perception that most of the people I'm around are SO similar does. It's like about 90% of the people I know are listening to the same station and I can't seem to tune in.

I look at everyone looking and acting the same. Seemingly happy and for the life of me I can't understand how they are all like that without thinking they are a cult or something. Maybe it's just me. But most things I perceive that other people think are important mean less than nothing to me. And since I have a hard time "acting" like I'm interested in something when I'm really not. I usually just continue out of step with everyone. But as I said before they all seem so happy and at the core of me is this nebulous feeling of disconnectedness. Maybe it's just me. If I try to be the way that everyone else is maybe I can seemingly be happy as well.

I try...contrarily sickening myself with this very act of conformity going against my nature. Because I think that if I can just mimic the actions the feelings will follow. But they don't. And all I'm left with is disgust with myself for thinking that it's possible to change who I am inside, mixed with the knowledge that what I am inside will never be like "them". Maybe it's just me.

I reflected on a Jane Austen quote, another nonconformist of her time. In the book Pride and Prejudice Lizzy says to Jane in response to Jane wishing Lizzy could be as happy as she, "Until I have your goodness, I can never have your happiness." I realized what she is saying is that fundamentally we are different. I can never feel the way you do unless I am you and no amount of wishing will change that.

Facing the ultimate realization that my fundamental differences might actually keep me from every feeling a part of something scares me. I'm left with the question: What do I do? Maybe it's just me.

Failing...

The other week we were having a conference call at work talking about all the students in the Los Angeles County who would not be receiving a high school diploma this spring because they had failed to pass an algebra class. As a matter of fact the LA Times did a series of articles about the drop out rate of the students at Birmingham High School in Van Nuys, CA. It stirred such a response more than 200 people responded in written form and probably other organizations like the Mathnasium had conferences to discuss what to how we should respond when students in this situation come to us.

The funny part is I was telling someone the other day that when I was growing up I didn't even realize there were people who didn't understand things, for whatever reason. I thought if you were failing a subject it's because you weren't trying or you were skipping school or something. I assumed everyone had the ability to make straight As it was just a matter of settling down and learning the material. As I grow more in the knowledge of people, school districts, math wars, and bureaucracy I find that not only are there students who actually struggle but that institutions as sometimes run in a way that makes it near impossible for students to learn.

Please share your thoughts.

Blactoid: As some people know there used to be separate schools in the United States. Then after the Brown vs. the Board of Education decision they were mandated to integrate. A high school in the same city I went to high school in decided to integrate shortly thereafter. Although it met with resistance, those steps they took paved the way for not only African-Americans having equal access to education, but also other minority groups that had suffered from poor education in understaffed and underfunded schools.

What is wrong with you?!?

I just realized that I'm so sick of dumb band names that are supposed to be "hep" or edgy. Like Atreyu, I'm sorry but that just isn't gonna do it for me. It's the name of a 10 year old boy who's horse died in Never Ending Story. Or Aiden or any other annoying name that people think sounds cool but actually is just annoying. I'm not the only one who thinks this. Someone else has actually collect a list of dumb band names. I wouldn't go so far as to collect them. What would that say about me, but now that someone has can someone please tell me what's going on.

Whatever happend to just going by your name like Dave Matthews Band or Shakira. I mean we can't all be Prince (who by the way must be in possession of the ring of power because he hasn't aged a day since 1982) with a symbol for a name or artist formerly known as. If your music is good you shouldn't have to try to make your name "edgey" or whatever it is those people think they are doing. But I guess what it all comes down to is recognition that leads to fame that leads to money. *sigh ...

Why is art always to suffer?

As always have a good name and enjoy.

...it's like a disco with books...

today as I started my business class at the local community college I was reflecting on a Chris Rock comedy routine where he was saying that after he got a GED someone had the nerve to say "Now you can go to college" He said, you can't go to college with a GED. The only college you can go to is community college. Basically that community college is like a disco with books. Why is it called community college...because anybody from the community can go there, drug dealers crackheads you name it.

Although I didn't particularly see any people of that description it is a new experience for me and I look forward to the interaction I will have with the professor and my classmates. Of course my professor is a sassy black woman. So I get to deal with that 2 days a week at 8 am. If anyone knows me the adjective that describes me least at 8am is sassy. I'm hard pressed to be sassy at 11 am. She made us do this exercise this morning where we walked past each other looking at the ground. Then again while making eye contact. Then again while touching on the shoulder and making eye contact, and finally eye contact and shaking hands. The last person you shook hands with was your new friend. My friend was Steve. He's like me. Works, but is going back to learn more about business.

I'm actually looking forward to the semester. I've been thinking of ways to meet more people that I normally wouldn't, but in an atmosphere I want to be in as well. So now I know Steve. There are some talkative girls in the class, but the teacher put them on lock so that shouldn't be a problem.

As always have a good day and enjoy.

Argh!!!

So I haven't posted for a while. That is for one of two reasons. Either so much has been happening I don't have time to think straight or nothing has been happening and I don't want you guys to think I'm a loser. I like to think it's the former, more likely it's the latter.

Well...this past week has been stressful and if you know why then I don't have to tell you. If you don't know why then do you really want me to have to relive all that hassle and trauma all over again? Wow I didn't know you could be so heartless :)

Well is it sufficient to tell you that I'm going through detox from taking some pretty strong narcotics since Sunday and I think I'm going through withdrawal? Ok is it sufficient to tell you that my boss made me promise to call and request permission should I choose to die?

I guess I should have posted about all the cool things that are going to happen before now. Like I'm taking a business class starting February 13th or I was planning on taking up a spot of tennis for exercise purposes. Or how I want to take up hot salsa dancing after my business class is over. Now my mind is over shadowed either by the drugs or circumstances. Well in an attempt to amuse and inform at the same time I have been "ill" these past couple of days the nature of which I don't think the likes of the internet is ready for. Suffice to say it did involve the need for heavy medication of which I no longer wish to take hence the self inflicted detox.

Other than that things are going going ok here in the deep south of Culver City. As always have a good day and enjoy.