Man...p1

I've decided to get back to the most unpleasant task of attempting to unravel the twisted thread that is my thoughts, emotions, and feelings with a topic that I've been pondering for nigh on 27 years. Ok if I'm truthful it's more like 22 years, but really when I'm senile will it matter?

I was in conversation with some friends at a barbecue last week and we were discussing the female disillusionment of the male and believe it or not there were a few straight guys participating in this conversation so it wasn't some sort of male bashing party. I actually brought up a comment a male friend of mine said to me recently about how a lot of women, at least in LA have made it difficult for a guy to be tender, gentlemanly or sensitive because of the strong, independent, anti-male stance they have taken towards guys. Although he is still a nice guy, he says when he tries to approach a woman in a sensitive and caring manner he is usually shut down, rejected or whatever you want to call it, he said after that happens to a man a few too many times it makes him harder and rougher towards women in order to actually have a semi-decent relationship with someone. I know this doesn't make sense, but that's what he said. Then I said women generally behave that way in order to protect themselves because they too have been approached a time too many by men who aren't trying to be sensitive or caring.

Argh!!! I've gotten off track from my original purpose. Anyway this conversation started my thoughts towards my feelings toward the opposite sex. Pressure from friends and family to get together with someone, settle down, and start a family notwithstanding I'm generally wary of the opposite sex and for various reasons I'm not particularly interested in having a long term (i.e. marriage) relationship with one of them now or in the future. Please reread the previous sentence and make sure you understand what I just said instead of jumping to to the conclusion that I said I don't ever want to get married because that isn't what I just said.

This past year I've been struggling with a lot of the aforementioned reasons from the past and present about my feelings toward men trying to separate out truth from fiction and how I can best reconcile my issues and decide what I really want in life. I can't say if there has been any progress because I really feel like I've been running around my issues in circles instead of really addressing them head on.

In an attempt to redress this I thought back to some of my first memories of crushes, interactions with men, and impressions of male behavior and I remember making a comment to my mother who still thinks this is a funny story, but which really gets to the heart of one of the things I've struggled with my whole life. Some of you already know this because you've heard her tell this story, but when I was 6 years old I told her quite succinctly that when I grew up I wanted to marry a weak, white man. Notice my adjectives. Not just a white man, but a weak one. I wanted someone who I could feel safe with who was non-threatening and when I looked around this is what I came up with. When pressed by family and friends to justify my choice in a marriage partner I told them that I wanted someone who wouldn't give me any problems, that I knew if he tried something I'd whip his (insert expletive here). I was a foul mouthed 6 year old by the way. Coming from a metropolitan area and being the child of someone in the military I had the opportunity of traveling quite a bit even before I turned 6 years old and I had observed/experienced the behavior of single and married men towards friends, family, and coworkers. I had, at that tender young age, found what I was looking for. I didn't want romance, weddings with a zillion bridesmaids, or children out the wazoo. I wanted security and safety. You see at that time I thought everyone had to get married I didn't realize that there was this option of actually staying single and enjoying my life.

When I was growing up I never had a pretend wedding, talked about what I would name my children, thought about the guy I would marry and what he would be like. I'm not saying I haven't dated or haven't been interested in or attracted to men romantically, but if I ever dreamed of being with someone for the rest of my life he has always been faceless. There have been guys who I've really be interested in and definitely thought of in the sense of being with them, but the more I dwelt on the idea to more I went off it. This isn't an offence to any of the guys out there who I have dated but the thought of spending the rest of my life with any of them made me want to vomit then and thinking about it now makes me want to vomit. That's sounds harsh but it's what I felt then and what I feel now. I realize it wasn't really them it's me. The thought of being in a relationship with someone for the rest of my life makes me feel trapped, constrained and vaguely nauseated.

I've grown older, I've matured, and I've learned a lot about life, the good, the bad, and the ugly and while now I have plenty of guy friends who I enjoy the company of and love spending time with them, deep inside I still have the same feelings of that 6 year old. I wasn't really interested in being married to a weak, white man in particular. I wasn't really interested in being married at all. It was more about what I wasn't interested in being married to.

As you can see by the title that says p1 (meaning part 1) I have come to no conclusions and this is what I'm thinking now. I might be thinking something completely different tomorrow.