Ok another brief hiatus from the story I have been relating to you. I promise the next post will we devoted solely to that. But I needed to take a time out and bring you another relationship tip from yours truly. As usual my tips are taken from real life occurrences and after some meditation I figure out a nice practical way to share the thing that I have learned.
I got a phone call yesterday from a girl I'm particularly close with and in the middle of our conversation she made a pretty amusing comment. It went a little something like this,, "Guess what Tanika? I'm not shallow anymore!" I, of course, burst out into laughter. I mean I was happy that she wasn't shallow anymore, but it got me thinking about how shallowness can prevent us from having meaningful and lasting relationships. For those of you who are looking for a shallow relationship based on superficiality please disregard my next tip. I would like to preface by saying that this tip is not along my ordinary lines because it gives the impression that it's ok to be shallow. It's not. But I realize that we all have shallow areas in our lives that we are hopefully trying to make deeper.
Tanika's Relationship Tip #Umpteen: Thinking and talking about what you want in a relationship solely in shallow terms will keep you and anyone else who might be interested in you from having a serious, meaningful, and lasting relationship. Of course I will explain. Over the years I've had both guys and girls talk to me about what they are looking for in a partner/relationship (both friendship and romantic). And there have been times where I admit I didn't actually take the person seriously (i.e. I thought they were kidding, but they weren't) because what they were saying was so hopelessly unrealistic and shallow. But over the years I've realized that they weren't joking. The other day I was hanging with this guy who was telling me the things he was looking for in a woman. Sadly (sarcasm) none of these applied to me. But this guy took it a step further and said that women who had qualities that I possess were boring and unattractive. Being the only woman in the room I was mildly exasperated (understatement) with his continued negativity towards women who didn't embody what he desired.
Now to be fair I've heard women do the exact same thing. Acting like men should be the amalgamation of all their physical hopes and dreams. A recipe consisting of only the best parts. Feel free to leave out any brains, won't be necessary. But back to the story. So you know me being me, I had to break it down to a brotha. Couldn't let him go around spouting that level of ignorance. I first stated that "Yes, it's important to find the person you are with attractive and fun to be around." But to go around talking about how anyone else who doesn't meet YOUR standards as one step up from dog food isn't cool. First off what it does is have women/men who you aren't attracted to think you are a hopelessly shallow(i.e. not only will they not recommend you to their friends but they will actually warn men/women off you), but it also tells the someone you are attracted to that you are an idiot/jerk/(insert name here) and it's just a matter of time before something they do will make them fall out of favor with you (no point in even wasting their time on you). If you do this and wonder why you can't seem to have a lasting relationship with "Mr./Mrs. Right" maybe you should try revising your technique, because it leaves something to be desired.
If all you are looking for are flings, light flirtations, and casual relationships this may not be a problem, but if you are looking for someone to share your life with the last thing someone who would have been interested in you wants to hear you say is that they aren't worthy of love or respect because of a physical flaw you don't think is one or that it's something beyond your control anyway. Your love for someone should make them feel safe and secure. Content to be who they are. Not desperate, afraid, or on edge that somehow you will lose interest in them because of something that could happen to change their appearance. If nothing else they are going to become older their bodies will change and trust me honey, so will yours.
Also stating why he/she can get away with this behavior or that behavior because they are good looking is also a sure fire way to warn off would be relationships. (Yes this is the law of beautiful people) But the truth is that you must not have much to offer a relationship if you let a good looking man or woman walk all over you because they are good looking. If you are so dense as to subject yourself to that level of idiocy for fleeting good looks then more power to you.
Girls, guys, old men and women are out their starving themselves, dying their hair, getting all types of painful/harmful procedures because they are terrified that they aren't worthy of love by their own merit is one of the saddest things I can think of. (I said one of) Anyway just wanted to give my two cents. Feel free to share your thoughts or opinions on the subject.
I am 50% Left Brain and 50% Right Brain. Interesting...
| You Are 50% Left Brained, 50% Right Brained |
 Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports. |
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Friday, August 26, 2005
The 'Nasium
For those of you who are curious as to where I spend the bulk of my time I have a picture of the inside of the Mathnasium where I work. I enjoy our new location because it now has an upstairs which helps with more space and to separate some of the older kids from the younger ones or if we need to do some one on one tutoring. Anyway that's it. Have a good day and enjoy.
Trapped in the Vestibule (Chapter 3 of 5)
in a brief recap I have been relating some events pertaining to a relationship this past year. I left with him saying that I disgust him. I was saying that I couldn't believe he had actually said that to me. Since we were texting each other he didn't get to fully appreciate the impact of his words as I burst out into hysterical sobbing...but wait a minute let's rewind for a second
Rewind<- He initiated the relationship, although I did go along with it, but remember I have been interested in this guy for a year and a half at this point. I thought I knew him and I thought I understood the kind of person he was. Also during the course of our relationship when I realized things weren't going well I tried to end it, seriously, on four different occassions. Each time he disregarded my feelings, fears, and concerns placating me with the belief that we were just going through a "bad patch" and that things were going to get better. (Yeah right!) So I optimistically believed that it would get better not so much because I BELIEVED they would, but because I HOPED they would.
Needless to say after that texted converstation we didn't talk for a while. I know what you are thinking. Why would I ever talk to him. This is the hard part to explain...I'm going to ask you to suspend your disbelief for a second and imagine (this may be hard for some or really easy for others) that you've never really had anyone show you that they love you in spite of your faults. They think you are wonderful and worthy of love without doing anything to deserve it. They are beside you through thick and thin, insanity and all. That's how it was in the beginning. I thought I was being loved unconditionally and experiencing that for, what I thought, was the first time was overwhelming and I was prepared to do anything...accept anything in order to recapture that. I thought maybe what we were going through WAS temporary and that if I was patient he would come around or change. That he would realize how much he had hurt me and was actually still deeply in love with me and that we could forgive and forget any bad things that happened. (Talk about self-delusion) So that's how it's possible that even after the last conversation I was still hoping he would come around and call me and abjectly apologize. (I needed that level of apology if I was going to get over what happened)
Then one night I did the ultimate...in a fit of desparation I called him because at the very least I needed us to end as friends or on speaking terms. I couldn't believe all we shared meant so little to him which was really why I was calling. I guess deep down I need to believe that those feelings he had for me were genuine otherwise...well that would mean that until that point I would know that again I was incapable of inspiring anyone to love me. And I couldn't take that not again.
When he finally took my call I could tell by the sound of his voice that he wished he never had to hear or speak to me again. Probably wishing he didn't even know I existed. I told him basically what I told you. That I wanted us to part friends. I also was secretly looking for reassurance. Needless to say he didn't give me any. He asked if I was too dense to get the message that he didn't want to speak to me again. Then he wounded me in the worse way. He told me the thing no woman wants to hear a man she cares about say..."I'm seeing someone else"...to be continued.
Please stayed tuned for Chapter 4 or "Trapped in the Vestibule".
Question...if the root of why he didn't want to be with me and treated me like dirt was because he was seeing someone all along why didn't he just leave me alone when I had tried to break up before. Is his ego so big that he needs to be the one who ends things with me in tears to feel good about himself? Has this ever happened to you? Why would a person feel the need to do this? Why couldn't I understand no matter how much I wanted it to be different human love is fallible and may not last forever.
Rewind<- He initiated the relationship, although I did go along with it, but remember I have been interested in this guy for a year and a half at this point. I thought I knew him and I thought I understood the kind of person he was. Also during the course of our relationship when I realized things weren't going well I tried to end it, seriously, on four different occassions. Each time he disregarded my feelings, fears, and concerns placating me with the belief that we were just going through a "bad patch" and that things were going to get better. (Yeah right!) So I optimistically believed that it would get better not so much because I BELIEVED they would, but because I HOPED they would.
Needless to say after that texted converstation we didn't talk for a while. I know what you are thinking. Why would I ever talk to him. This is the hard part to explain...I'm going to ask you to suspend your disbelief for a second and imagine (this may be hard for some or really easy for others) that you've never really had anyone show you that they love you in spite of your faults. They think you are wonderful and worthy of love without doing anything to deserve it. They are beside you through thick and thin, insanity and all. That's how it was in the beginning. I thought I was being loved unconditionally and experiencing that for, what I thought, was the first time was overwhelming and I was prepared to do anything...accept anything in order to recapture that. I thought maybe what we were going through WAS temporary and that if I was patient he would come around or change. That he would realize how much he had hurt me and was actually still deeply in love with me and that we could forgive and forget any bad things that happened. (Talk about self-delusion) So that's how it's possible that even after the last conversation I was still hoping he would come around and call me and abjectly apologize. (I needed that level of apology if I was going to get over what happened)
Then one night I did the ultimate...in a fit of desparation I called him because at the very least I needed us to end as friends or on speaking terms. I couldn't believe all we shared meant so little to him which was really why I was calling. I guess deep down I need to believe that those feelings he had for me were genuine otherwise...well that would mean that until that point I would know that again I was incapable of inspiring anyone to love me. And I couldn't take that not again.
When he finally took my call I could tell by the sound of his voice that he wished he never had to hear or speak to me again. Probably wishing he didn't even know I existed. I told him basically what I told you. That I wanted us to part friends. I also was secretly looking for reassurance. Needless to say he didn't give me any. He asked if I was too dense to get the message that he didn't want to speak to me again. Then he wounded me in the worse way. He told me the thing no woman wants to hear a man she cares about say..."I'm seeing someone else"...to be continued.
Please stayed tuned for Chapter 4 or "Trapped in the Vestibule".
Question...if the root of why he didn't want to be with me and treated me like dirt was because he was seeing someone all along why didn't he just leave me alone when I had tried to break up before. Is his ego so big that he needs to be the one who ends things with me in tears to feel good about himself? Has this ever happened to you? Why would a person feel the need to do this? Why couldn't I understand no matter how much I wanted it to be different human love is fallible and may not last forever.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Brief Hiatus
I know I have been relating to you the story I affectionately refer to as "Trapped in the Vestibule". But I wanted to take a brief emotional break (haha just kidding) and write about something different. I don't know how many of you out there are like me (mostly women I assume) who associate sound, smell or texture with a particular event. But I am definitely like that. Whenever I smell cucumbers I think about this guy I know named Seth (don't question me).
Well this weekend I was helping my friend move to Las Vegas and of course we listened to a lot of music as we packed and moved. And for some reason it was old school weekend so we were listening to all these really good hip hop songs from back in the day (i.e. Goody Mob basically just Ceelo) and of course some old R&B favorites. I fondly remember being at the gas station singing "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men at the top of our lungs. Luckily none of us are easily embarrased. It was funny all of these "It's so hard to say goodbye..." type songs kept playing. But one in particular stuck in my head and I have been depressedly listening to it over and over again.
Although the song is obviously written by a woman to a man. Check out the title, "Let Me Let Go" by Faith Hill. (Yes it's country! It's the last song at the bottom) but the chorus has this bittersweet attachment for me because it was a song I listened to a lot when I broke up with an ex and it took a long time getting past. It's difficult for me to get over the fact that I won't get to see my friend whenever I want. That she won't be there for emotional support or for me to suport her. Anyway just wanted to vent a little bit. The irony of it all is that she is coming back for labor day weekend in like 2 weeks. I've definitely not seen her for 2 months so how is this that different. But it is...
Well this weekend I was helping my friend move to Las Vegas and of course we listened to a lot of music as we packed and moved. And for some reason it was old school weekend so we were listening to all these really good hip hop songs from back in the day (i.e. Goody Mob basically just Ceelo) and of course some old R&B favorites. I fondly remember being at the gas station singing "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men at the top of our lungs. Luckily none of us are easily embarrased. It was funny all of these "It's so hard to say goodbye..." type songs kept playing. But one in particular stuck in my head and I have been depressedly listening to it over and over again.
Although the song is obviously written by a woman to a man. Check out the title, "Let Me Let Go" by Faith Hill. (Yes it's country! It's the last song at the bottom) but the chorus has this bittersweet attachment for me because it was a song I listened to a lot when I broke up with an ex and it took a long time getting past. It's difficult for me to get over the fact that I won't get to see my friend whenever I want. That she won't be there for emotional support or for me to suport her. Anyway just wanted to vent a little bit. The irony of it all is that she is coming back for labor day weekend in like 2 weeks. I've definitely not seen her for 2 months so how is this that different. But it is...
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Trapped in the Vestibule (Chapter 2 of 5)..
I'm just making fun of R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet videos (Chapters 1 - 5). I was just thinking how my story would sound set to the same music. Because as anyone knows when R. Kelly writes his songs he basically goes in the studio and just starts saying words. Example:
"Here we are the four of us, total shock, me and her, close my mouth swallow spit and I think to my self this is some messed up s%$#". I mean let's get real "close my mouth...swallow spit?" R. Kelly what were you thinking? Anyway back to the story...
When I left off he wasn't speaking to me any more. This was very hard for me to handle because I had just spent some very emotional days stressed out about whether he was going to live. Keeping myself busy in an attempt to numb my emotions. Needless to say that after this I was pretty torn up. Saying that I took to my bed puts things pretty mildly. There was definitely some mid-night crying and a lot of insomnia where I wondered what I had done wrong. I mean I hadn't changed, had I? He knew what I was like before we started dating. He had known me for nearly 2 years. And I was more open with him than I have been with any other man before. I'm not a perfect person, but I try to do things right and love people the best I can. Compromising when I need, working things out, and willing to go the extra mile to make sure someone is happy and that I can be helpful.
Fast forward -> After another week of self-recrimination and wasted advice from friends that it wasn't my fault, I finally realized that this might be it. Things really might be over. That's the hardest part of an ending relationship. Admitting to yourself it's over when you would give you last breath for it not to end. I realized I had to try and move on picking up the shattered pieces of my heart, pride, and ego if I had any hope of getting over him.
As I sorted through somethings I found pictures of us together and I was transported back to better times. I realized I couldn't look at anything of his without feeling a sharp pain in my chest, I'm not sure if it's real or imagined. It sure seems real. I found one of his sweatshirts he let me wear when we were out one time and it got a little chilly. Some of his music that we had listened together. And I realized I'm getting nowhere fast and I have to return these things at least for myself so that I don't have constant reminders of him around my house. I mean it had already taken all the strength I had to delete his text messages, his phone number, and saved voice mails. (Yes I'm a loser I saved his voicemails, that's what it's like when you have it really bad)
Instead of putting myself through more torture I texted him and asked if it would be alright if I dropped his stuff in the mail and he sent me back some things that I had left at his place. It seemed like a reasonable request to make. I was fairly certain that he felt the same way I did and didn't want my things around his place. Much to my surprise (though not as much as before) he responded with a resounding NO!!! Can you believe that he said no. I of course responded with the obvious question of WHY?!? In a nutshell he told me I wasn't worth it and he wasn't going to waste good money sending me back my (*insert expletives here)! I would have understood more if he was talking about some meaningless junk, but it was some things that I find very valuable. The thing I couldn't get over was that he was telling me I meant less than nothing to him and he wasn't going to return my things because I wasn't worth it.
Fast Forward-> He again started to categorize my faults, he went further this time with insults which weren't true and rounded off with saying and I quote "I don't even know why I ever went out with you, you disgust me!" You can imagine my mental state after that. It wasn't good. (mild understatement). Needless to say I was completely devestated by this comment. I couldn't say much after that I was hurting so bad...to be continued.
Has that ever happened to you? Not only has someone dumped you, but feels the need to grind you down into dust on top of it. It wasn't neccessary for him to make those comments, but he did. Wasn't it enough that he had already hurt me did he have to stand in triumph over me?
Stay tuned for part 3.
As usual have a good day and enjoy. Feel free to share your thoughts.
"Here we are the four of us, total shock, me and her, close my mouth swallow spit and I think to my self this is some messed up s%$#". I mean let's get real "close my mouth...swallow spit?" R. Kelly what were you thinking? Anyway back to the story...
When I left off he wasn't speaking to me any more. This was very hard for me to handle because I had just spent some very emotional days stressed out about whether he was going to live. Keeping myself busy in an attempt to numb my emotions. Needless to say that after this I was pretty torn up. Saying that I took to my bed puts things pretty mildly. There was definitely some mid-night crying and a lot of insomnia where I wondered what I had done wrong. I mean I hadn't changed, had I? He knew what I was like before we started dating. He had known me for nearly 2 years. And I was more open with him than I have been with any other man before. I'm not a perfect person, but I try to do things right and love people the best I can. Compromising when I need, working things out, and willing to go the extra mile to make sure someone is happy and that I can be helpful.
Fast forward -> After another week of self-recrimination and wasted advice from friends that it wasn't my fault, I finally realized that this might be it. Things really might be over. That's the hardest part of an ending relationship. Admitting to yourself it's over when you would give you last breath for it not to end. I realized I had to try and move on picking up the shattered pieces of my heart, pride, and ego if I had any hope of getting over him.
As I sorted through somethings I found pictures of us together and I was transported back to better times. I realized I couldn't look at anything of his without feeling a sharp pain in my chest, I'm not sure if it's real or imagined. It sure seems real. I found one of his sweatshirts he let me wear when we were out one time and it got a little chilly. Some of his music that we had listened together. And I realized I'm getting nowhere fast and I have to return these things at least for myself so that I don't have constant reminders of him around my house. I mean it had already taken all the strength I had to delete his text messages, his phone number, and saved voice mails. (Yes I'm a loser I saved his voicemails, that's what it's like when you have it really bad)
Instead of putting myself through more torture I texted him and asked if it would be alright if I dropped his stuff in the mail and he sent me back some things that I had left at his place. It seemed like a reasonable request to make. I was fairly certain that he felt the same way I did and didn't want my things around his place. Much to my surprise (though not as much as before) he responded with a resounding NO!!! Can you believe that he said no. I of course responded with the obvious question of WHY?!? In a nutshell he told me I wasn't worth it and he wasn't going to waste good money sending me back my (*insert expletives here)! I would have understood more if he was talking about some meaningless junk, but it was some things that I find very valuable. The thing I couldn't get over was that he was telling me I meant less than nothing to him and he wasn't going to return my things because I wasn't worth it.
Fast Forward-> He again started to categorize my faults, he went further this time with insults which weren't true and rounded off with saying and I quote "I don't even know why I ever went out with you, you disgust me!" You can imagine my mental state after that. It wasn't good. (mild understatement). Needless to say I was completely devestated by this comment. I couldn't say much after that I was hurting so bad...to be continued.
Has that ever happened to you? Not only has someone dumped you, but feels the need to grind you down into dust on top of it. It wasn't neccessary for him to make those comments, but he did. Wasn't it enough that he had already hurt me did he have to stand in triumph over me?
Stay tuned for part 3.
As usual have a good day and enjoy. Feel free to share your thoughts.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
There's a girl named Tammy...
...she got two kids. (You've probably heard me sing this phrase) It's from a song my sister used to sing when she was going through her song writer phase. It's additive even 15 years later I still walk around singing it.
Anyway I wanted to tell you a little story, I will change it a little to protect the innocent and the not so guilty...So there is a guy who I met about 2 1/2 years ago. We worked together and I must admit I had a crush on him for the first 3 weeks we knew each other. As did most girls at my job. After about 6-7 months I finally got up the courage to ask him if he wanted to join my friends and myself for lunch. He said no, but maybe next time. I was crushed needless to say. Felt all rejected and dejected. But after a couple more weeks of my friend bugging me to ask him again I did and he said yes. We went and had lunch at a local hangout for the people at my job. We had a good time and it turned into a regular weekly thing. We got to know each other pretty well. (Yes just as friends).
Anyway he ended up leaving the job, but we have stayed friends through all that and even grew closer. Over the next year we started spending a lot of time together. Although we spent a lot of time together it didn't seem as if he viewed me as anything other than a friend. Although the more I learned about him the more interested I was. A couple of times I was really tempted to tell him how I felt, but I didn't. Finally I formed what I will refer to as the New Year's Plan. A bunch of us were getting together to celebrate the 2005 new year and he would be there. So I decided to just take a chance and go for it see what happens. Ok so I'll admit I needed a little dutch courage, but I was ready. Then the most amazing thing happened. He made the first move. Let me know he was ineterested in ME!! I mean can you believe that after all the heart ache. Then he preceded to tell me that he had been interested in me for the past year. (Imagine my shock)
Needless to say I was on cloud nine. I was telling all my friends about our new relationship. And the best part was he already knew people I knew and hung out with them so I didn't have to try to force him to hang out with my friends they were his friends. The other part I really liked was that he already knew all about me. My faults, my dysfunctional past relationships and he still liked me. At that point I got really scared. I mean I never had a relationship be as good as this was. I shared my concerns with him. Because he knew how scared I was to become vunerable again. He told me I didn't have anything to worry about. He said he would never do anything to hurt me. And since we were already good friends I felt that I could trust him. I mean he knows I've been hurt before and that I was only into having a serious relationship.
Now it's time for a little thing called fast forward. (over the next three months we had the best relationship spending time together, laughing, loving, sharing). Now it's March and I'm more into him than I ever was. Then one night I went over to his place to hang out and for some reason he was cold and distant. I'm not sure why. He kept acting weird and I finally confronted him about it because I was confused. All of a sudden he blew up at me and told me to stop crowding him and how he needed his space. I said ok I understand I'll go home. But that wasn't enough for him. He followed up with outlining all my faults to me. Needless to say the evening ended with a blazing row and I went home to cry my eyes out. I wasn't sure were it was all coming from. The last time I saw him we were cool like we always were, now this.
Fast forward -> over the next couple of weeks he kept blowing hot and cold. Finally I said hey if you don't want this relationship I'll understand we can just be friends and things can go back to the way they were. Then all of a sudden he is telling me how much he loves me and needs me, but he is going through a time where he needs to focus on himself. I'm thinking what the h*$@! Basically he needs to be selfish and doesn't want me to interfer with that unless he wants to be around me?!? Needless to say the next month after that was pretty rocky with me trying to give him space, but still wanting to be with him. But things go from bad to worse and I can tell the situation is coming to a head and it would be best if we at least stopped dating if not go our separate ways. (I hoped for the former, feared the latter)
Fast forward -> Over the next 2 months I am desparately trying to get closure and end the relationship because I realize we don't have the same goals in life (I enjoy being there for other people and he wanted to be there for himself), but I still want to be with him so it's hard. Every time I tell him that I can't see him anymore he calls or texts me telling me he still wants me in his life and things are gonna get better. And after a couple of days I wear down and go back. Then he shoves me away again. Then I finally say I can't do this anymore I want to be friends, but I can't keep going through this with you. Through the whole thing he alternates between categorizing my faults then telling me how much he needs me.
Finally after my finally attempt at sanity he calls me in the middle of the night (drunk I might add) to tell me he has made a horrible mistake and loves me and wants to be with me. So what do I do. I go back! Ugh! Then I find out he is sick. He is in the hospital and I'm there for him I shop, clean, and stay right there by his side until the worst is over. When he comes home he throws all my efforts back in my face and says he never wants to see me again...to be continued.
Stay tuned for part 2...
Now tell me seriously have any of you ever been there. Trying to get out of a relationship with someone because you realize for whatever reason it isn't going to work, but they don't want to let you go. Then finally when you give in they push you away. To me it seems like they just want the upper hand. What hind of messed up s*&$! is that? Relationships are too much for me.
Anyway as always have a good day and enjoy.
Anyway I wanted to tell you a little story, I will change it a little to protect the innocent and the not so guilty...So there is a guy who I met about 2 1/2 years ago. We worked together and I must admit I had a crush on him for the first 3 weeks we knew each other. As did most girls at my job. After about 6-7 months I finally got up the courage to ask him if he wanted to join my friends and myself for lunch. He said no, but maybe next time. I was crushed needless to say. Felt all rejected and dejected. But after a couple more weeks of my friend bugging me to ask him again I did and he said yes. We went and had lunch at a local hangout for the people at my job. We had a good time and it turned into a regular weekly thing. We got to know each other pretty well. (Yes just as friends).
Anyway he ended up leaving the job, but we have stayed friends through all that and even grew closer. Over the next year we started spending a lot of time together. Although we spent a lot of time together it didn't seem as if he viewed me as anything other than a friend. Although the more I learned about him the more interested I was. A couple of times I was really tempted to tell him how I felt, but I didn't. Finally I formed what I will refer to as the New Year's Plan. A bunch of us were getting together to celebrate the 2005 new year and he would be there. So I decided to just take a chance and go for it see what happens. Ok so I'll admit I needed a little dutch courage, but I was ready. Then the most amazing thing happened. He made the first move. Let me know he was ineterested in ME!! I mean can you believe that after all the heart ache. Then he preceded to tell me that he had been interested in me for the past year. (Imagine my shock)
Needless to say I was on cloud nine. I was telling all my friends about our new relationship. And the best part was he already knew people I knew and hung out with them so I didn't have to try to force him to hang out with my friends they were his friends. The other part I really liked was that he already knew all about me. My faults, my dysfunctional past relationships and he still liked me. At that point I got really scared. I mean I never had a relationship be as good as this was. I shared my concerns with him. Because he knew how scared I was to become vunerable again. He told me I didn't have anything to worry about. He said he would never do anything to hurt me. And since we were already good friends I felt that I could trust him. I mean he knows I've been hurt before and that I was only into having a serious relationship.
Now it's time for a little thing called fast forward. (over the next three months we had the best relationship spending time together, laughing, loving, sharing). Now it's March and I'm more into him than I ever was. Then one night I went over to his place to hang out and for some reason he was cold and distant. I'm not sure why. He kept acting weird and I finally confronted him about it because I was confused. All of a sudden he blew up at me and told me to stop crowding him and how he needed his space. I said ok I understand I'll go home. But that wasn't enough for him. He followed up with outlining all my faults to me. Needless to say the evening ended with a blazing row and I went home to cry my eyes out. I wasn't sure were it was all coming from. The last time I saw him we were cool like we always were, now this.
Fast forward -> over the next couple of weeks he kept blowing hot and cold. Finally I said hey if you don't want this relationship I'll understand we can just be friends and things can go back to the way they were. Then all of a sudden he is telling me how much he loves me and needs me, but he is going through a time where he needs to focus on himself. I'm thinking what the h*$@! Basically he needs to be selfish and doesn't want me to interfer with that unless he wants to be around me?!? Needless to say the next month after that was pretty rocky with me trying to give him space, but still wanting to be with him. But things go from bad to worse and I can tell the situation is coming to a head and it would be best if we at least stopped dating if not go our separate ways. (I hoped for the former, feared the latter)
Fast forward -> Over the next 2 months I am desparately trying to get closure and end the relationship because I realize we don't have the same goals in life (I enjoy being there for other people and he wanted to be there for himself), but I still want to be with him so it's hard. Every time I tell him that I can't see him anymore he calls or texts me telling me he still wants me in his life and things are gonna get better. And after a couple of days I wear down and go back. Then he shoves me away again. Then I finally say I can't do this anymore I want to be friends, but I can't keep going through this with you. Through the whole thing he alternates between categorizing my faults then telling me how much he needs me.
Finally after my finally attempt at sanity he calls me in the middle of the night (drunk I might add) to tell me he has made a horrible mistake and loves me and wants to be with me. So what do I do. I go back! Ugh! Then I find out he is sick. He is in the hospital and I'm there for him I shop, clean, and stay right there by his side until the worst is over. When he comes home he throws all my efforts back in my face and says he never wants to see me again...to be continued.
Stay tuned for part 2...
Now tell me seriously have any of you ever been there. Trying to get out of a relationship with someone because you realize for whatever reason it isn't going to work, but they don't want to let you go. Then finally when you give in they push you away. To me it seems like they just want the upper hand. What hind of messed up s*&$! is that? Relationships are too much for me.
Anyway as always have a good day and enjoy.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Woo...Hoo!
I'm not sure if L.A. is ready for this. Jump back everyone, my friend Daniel is coming out to visit next month. Is the CC ready? Clearly if you know me you will realize that the preceding was mildly* sarcastic, however I'm extremely excited. I think I squealed in Daniel's ear about 5 or 6 times yesterday. I also realized that he will be going with Derek and myself up to NorCal to visit Lauren, and other local attractions. Not that Lauren could be considered a local attraction. Although I think she is pretty wonderful.
Anyhoo just wanted to share my eager anticipation. Luckily for me L.A. is already a pretty interesting place and the CC will provide the perfect place to kick back and relax getting away from the hectic rush. (Sort of I mean get real it's L.A.). I'm just hoping that my room will be ready in time. Otherwise it will be 7 people trying to use 1 bathroom instead of 6. Actually Will doesn't use it much.
Well that's all for now. I will be back with more tips and witty advice later this week. Have a good day and as always enjoy.
* mildly = extremely
Anyhoo just wanted to share my eager anticipation. Luckily for me L.A. is already a pretty interesting place and the CC will provide the perfect place to kick back and relax getting away from the hectic rush. (Sort of I mean get real it's L.A.). I'm just hoping that my room will be ready in time. Otherwise it will be 7 people trying to use 1 bathroom instead of 6. Actually Will doesn't use it much.
Well that's all for now. I will be back with more tips and witty advice later this week. Have a good day and as always enjoy.
* mildly = extremely
Sunday, August 14, 2005
The Haps the not Haps and Everything in Between
Argh!!! It's been a while since my last post. I've actually been working for a change and then the one time earlier this week when I wanted to post, blogger was down for general maintainence. (of course). So I have a choice here that's clear for anyone to see...catch everyone up on what's been going on OR make sarcastic observations. I think I'll err on the side of sarcasm because there never really was a choice to begin with.
First for those of you who don't indulge in the pleasure of reading Brooke's blog and haven't seen the newest ipod addition I encourage you to check out this new mp3 player. (Absolutely hilarious).
I'm currently in the process of helping my friend move to Vegas (yes I know I know that means I'll be going to Vegas all the time now) and I didn't realize what an emotional time it would be. I went to a scrapbooking session last night up in the GHC so that I could work on a scrapbook I'm making for her as a going away present. (Yes I know that sounds kinda cheesy).
Anyway the other night I watched a movie called Switchback and to give a movie review in a word, "Ugh!!!" The only redeeming quality this film had was being able to ridicule it with friends. (please check out the link above if you don't believe me)
Anyway that's all I have for now. As always have a good day and enjoy.
First for those of you who don't indulge in the pleasure of reading Brooke's blog and haven't seen the newest ipod addition I encourage you to check out this new mp3 player. (Absolutely hilarious).
I'm currently in the process of helping my friend move to Vegas (yes I know I know that means I'll be going to Vegas all the time now) and I didn't realize what an emotional time it would be. I went to a scrapbooking session last night up in the GHC so that I could work on a scrapbook I'm making for her as a going away present. (Yes I know that sounds kinda cheesy).
Anyway the other night I watched a movie called Switchback and to give a movie review in a word, "Ugh!!!" The only redeeming quality this film had was being able to ridicule it with friends. (please check out the link above if you don't believe me)
Anyway that's all I have for now. As always have a good day and enjoy.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Bye-Bye Tagboard
As many of you have seen my tagboard is MIA right now. I'm currently trying to make my own ghetto version of tagboard so I don't have to rely on the kindness of others (i.e. having code that links to their websites that end up not working) so if you wanna shout out just email me or leave irrelevant comments on my posts. Have a great day. (Remember you can post anonymously)
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