Tanika's Relationship Tip #9

Back by popular demand (i.e. one person asked what happened to my relationship tips), here is my next hot relationship tip (sarcasm). Pretty simple, pretty basic.

In a place like the United States where individualism is highly regarded you would THINK that this wouldn't be a problem, but upon closer inspection and reflection I have noticed this to be the case for a number of couples. Closely tied to my previous tip, #9 is not trying to change who you are, your personality or behavior, into something that isn't true to your beliefs or values in order to have or continue a romantic relationship. (or friendship)

Now don't get me wrong there are a few things I'm not trying to say here. First I'm not saying that if you are in a relationship with someone and you don't see "eye to eye" on a subject that you shouldn't work out something that is mutually beneficial because ideally that is what you want to do. I'm also not saying that if you realize that you and your partner don't have the same goals in life everything is automatically over. But if you aren't dating that person yet then maybe you should take some time to be friends with them get to know them a little better and then see if that person really is the right one for you. Or if you are already in a relationship maybe it would be a good time for you to reassess your priorities, because maybe it isn't as much of an issue as it once was. I'm also not saying you should be so strong and stubborn that if something is important to you that you should cling to it so tightly that you might ruin a wonderful relationship, but try to keep proper perspective on what is important to both you and your partner. Now after all that what AM I saying....

I'm saying that if you change who you represent yourself to be from what you are essentially, trying to be someone you aren't so that people will be interested in you, then it's only a matter of time until the real you, the regular old you starts slipping through the cracks. Shocking and sometimes traumatizing the person you are interested in. I guess I see a lot of people who try to make a better NEW and IMPROVED version of themselves that they present to other people because they feel that who they really are isn't good enough to love or be appreciated. Or maybe the way they desire to be loved and appreciated. I admit that my "interests" have varied depending on who I was interested in. But it was only a matter of time before I had to admit that Backgammon really isn't that interesting to me. I only like getting dressed up once in a while, not acting like I have an endless supply of "cute" clothes (which in actual fact I borrow from my friends). And although I enjoy dancing, I hate clubbing. I really enjoy having a glass of wine or a cocktail, but I really can't stand getting drunk out of my mind to "have a good time". But these are all things that I have done (except the backgammon) in order to try and maintain a relationship, but ultimately Tanika came back up and was like this isn't me and I'm not happy.

But let's get real. Most of us want to change those character flaws we THINK other people see in us in hopes that it will make us more likeable. Just recently a guy friend of mine asked me to be honest with him and tell him what things about him are undesirable characteristics. I guess he wanted to work on them or something. And in all honesty I couldn't tell him because I like him the way he is, as a matter of fact the more I learn about him the more his estimation goes up in MY eyes. (THAT'S RIGHT I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS SO THERE! And no this isn't an internet proposition.) Maybe he is a little rough around the edges, but after hanging out with some girlfriends a couple of weeks ago I found out just like me, they like guys who are rough around the edges, you know not quite smooth. To that guy I say, "Hey you're ok with me don't change a thing, and quit trippin'." But I'm not every girl and neither are my friends so you should probably ask the girl your interested in. And for the record all the guys I have liked have been rough around the edges. It was the quirky bits that made me more interested in them. I would like to state for the record that there isn't anything wrong with trying to make yourself a better person, but check your reasons because if they are really superficial it will get to you after a while. It's a difficult process figuring out who you are and your identity and what is important to you and what actually makes you happy. Don't throw that out the window for something that probably won't last anyway because it's based on the lie that you are someone you really aren't.

I hope this tip was helpful. Like I always say this is not a formula or something we always need to take each relationship as the individual thing it is and try to figure out what is best for your and your partner. As always have a good day and enjoy.