To explain what I mean by balance of power, the overarching theme of my struggles over the past year , taking place in my mind, stems from my desire to have deep genuine community with others battling with my need for personal space because the interaction I'm getting is overwhelming, draining and usually of a superficial nature which annoys me and eventually sickens me causing me to lose my desire for close relationships with others because of our lack of ability to connect. This in turn causes me to realize that I don't have genuine community with anyone and I desire it again only to encounter community of the same type that annoyed me before. Over the past several months I have been meditating on the subject of conflict both in my personal life and in my social life. Recently at Kairos they were talking about conflict, way to resolve conflict, and why it's important to resolve conflict.
I started thinking about the conflict in my own life and how I let it dictate to me who I am and how I feel. Most specifically my internal conflict, or least what I perceive as "internal". This past year has been a rough one , I've had work issues, issues from my past, family problems, major health issues, and a million and one other tedious things that drive a person crazy come up and I've struggled to deal with them, hopefully over come them, or at the very least live with them. The key here is that I'm saying I dealt with them, not we, but I. I'm not saying my family and friends weren't supportive, but I felt something missing even in the midst of supportive efforts.
One of the things that have made these things cause more turmoil inside of me is me. I know, I know, why would I make things worse for myself, but that's part of my conflicted nature as well. Over the past year I've been feeling disconnected from the Christian community that I'm a part of as well as the other communities in which I interact. This has been difficult for many reasons mostly because of my desire to have a few people who I feel connected to that understand me, love me, but still challenge me.
The disconnectedness in the Christian community is the hardest for me to deal with because the reason I moved out to the west coast in the first place was to be a part of the very community from which I now feel estranged. Because of my personality, there are few people that I don't feel a need to have a distance with in the first place. However this past year because of pressure of work that made it difficult to interact in social functions or gatherings coupled with personal life stress that made me want to pull away from other people around me I've felt my distance from people even more. An interesting point the was made in one of the talks at Kairos was that when there is a problem with one part of the community if affects the entire community. I thought about that in relation to myself. I was thinking that even though I feel that my struggles are personal and internal they are actually affecting the entire Christian community regardless of how connected or disconnected I feel from it. I'm still a part of it.
Hence one of the things that caused me great personal conflict early this year. I have had a combination of health issues which I won't go into now. But they reached a point of severity where I needed to go to the hospital. I called someone who I'm good friends who I don't mind talking about things with and told them I need some assistance as I wouldn't be able to get to the closest hospital under my own steam. They weren't going to be able to do it so that called a mutual friend of ours. This person took me to the hospital much to my relief and in concern asked what was wrong. Now I understand that in a community we are all concerned and we care about other people and when someone is hurt we want them to get better, we pray for them other things as well. However my health issues were of a personal nature of which I would only feel comfortable discussing with close friends. After I returned home and through the next few months I received extremely personal inquiries about my health from people who barely know me. This let me know that what I considered a personal problem had definitely affected others around me. The only problem was they didn't realize how insensitive I found it when they would ask me something that I really felt was none of their business because of the nature of the problem, when it was from people who I barely exchange pleasantries with. This made me so upset that I didn't want to talk to anyone for quite sometime following. I'm the type of person who doesn't feel comfortable talking about mundane subjects with people that I'm not close to let alone personal matters and it bothered me that people who wouldn't say things to me in other circumstances felt that they could in these. (Realize, I'm excluding people who know me well and understood whether or not we could talk about certain things or if I found it too personal of a question) I was extremely upset and struggled for a while afterward because I had lost all faith and confidence in other people's abilities to be sensitive to the feelings of others. I think I communicate pretty effectively the type of person I am when it regards things I discuss with other people, which made this even more difficult. Whether I was right or wrong did not change how I felt.
I think one of my major personal issues that crosses over into social issues I have with the Christian community in which I function is that people don't say what they feel or what they think so that we all realize that we are sharing common hopes, fears, and anxieties. A few posts ago I wrote more extensively about my feelings of disconnectedness which applies in this situation. This is also wrapped up in my desire and need for accountability that I struggle with as well. When I interact with people and because I have a tendency to actually say what I'm thinking and feeling and am sometimes verbally rebuffed I don't feel like sharing what I'm struggling with. Then I find out later that those same people I was talking with were struggling with the same things too, but didn't say anything.
It's not that I'm saying people aren't genuine, that they aren't real and they don't desire something profound and genuine, what I'm saying is they don't communicate it. I understand that people don't immediately go to deep levels in their relationship, but there needs to be a place where we are who we are. Broken, messy, conflicted, and real. I don't get that from many people regardless of the community in which I look. Not that they aren't there, but maybe they are reticent about opening up for their own conflicted reasons.
I always tell people that the Tanika you see is the Tanika you get, maybe not all of me, but what you are seeing is the genuine me. If you want to learn more please see details inside the package. What I want is for someone to say the same to me about themselves.
Alright this has gone on long enough. As always have a good day and enjoy.
I am 50% Left Brain and 50% Right Brain. Interesting...
| You Are 50% Left Brained, 50% Right Brained |
 Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports. |
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6 comments:
It feels good to hear someone talk about issues that people don't always like to talk about.
I guess there could be multiple reasons why people don't open up to one another and really connect.
One could be that people are different. Each person has a particular "worldview" (where I'm using that term quite broadly). Since we are humans, we are not very smart (compared to God), and the world is a very, very complex place. So we only barely understand our own worldview (which is shaky in itself), and we pretty much don't really understand anyone else's. And so we can't always assume that we're all talking about the same things. (Don't read too much precision into what I'm saying though, that's a just a general concept/idea that I'm thinking of at the moment.) So, we're afraid that we won't be understood. Or we're afraid that someone else's worldview will throw ours into a tailspin. Some of this might be "subconscious".
I guess another reason, the one I was thinking initially, could be that we are horrified by our own sin. We're all messed up, sometimes shockingly so, but we dare not let anyone know how bad we really are, because we're not supposed to be that way. We don't even really want to let ourselves in on it. We're saved by grace, and our righteousness is God's, but while we live in this body, we still live in a fallen world, and we're still pretty messed up. In fact maybe more so than we think we should be, which is probably one reason we don't want to let anyone in on the secret. Because we've fallen short. But we already knew that (isn't that what grace and God's Gift is for?) Somehow we don't yet fully understand grace, and this disconnects us from others around us. Also I'm reminded of that scripture that says "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed."
Then again, we talk about these things (because it feels good to explore them and get them out into the open, and to understand them, because it makes us feel smart), but then we don't do anything about them. Because it's hard.
Or we go out, bare our sensitive spots, and get knifed.
I guess there's another scripture for that. "He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it."
Either way you look at it, there's not an easy answer to real connectivity. If only it were as simple as broadband.
Life is hard. But, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."
Anyway, those are just some thoughts springboarding off yours.
I'm preaching to myself by the way :-)
Daniel
Daniel,
I really appreciate your comments. Feel free to post more as you think about things. I always value your opinion.
I was thinking particularly about a what you said about us being more messed up than we think we should be. I never really thought about it like that. I mean I've always realized how messed up I was even before I became a Christian, but that's because my life felt more turbulent than my peers and I knew it was negatively affecting my outlook and my behavior. It was only when I became a Christian that I realized there was hope for my situation.
But if others actually feel that way I can see it leading to all sorts of craziness inside of what should be a community. Whether people don't want to acknowlege sinfulness in themselves or in other people I have yet to know, but I definitely see how people (myself included) turn a blind eye to our own faults and the faults of others in order to maintain this calm balance.
I was talking to my good friend md, last night about this and I was speaking of my frustration when other people around me see something going on with me that might not be good and I might actually not be aware of yet who know that something isn't good and don't say anything to me.
I don't mean give me advice about how to fix everything, but at least say "Hey Tanika, let's grab some cofee..." during the coffee they share their concerns. I think people might also feel like they might be judging something they don't see, but what it really are actually doing is expressing their concern "directly" to the person about their perceptions. Not pronouncing judgement.
I think something else that pushes us all way from each other is our fear of being judged harshly and I fear of judging others too harshly. Ahhh!!! I have "the carpal" I'll stop for a bit now.
Yeah, maybe that idea of thinking you are more messed up than you should be is more prevalent among people who have been Christians all their lives and grew up with a legalistic/works-based-righteousness mindset (whether self-imposed or imposed by the environment). Which means if you don't have a good grasp on grace, you lose the ability to connect with other people, whether because you don't have grace on yourself or on others, or whether you fear that others won't grant you grace.
That's part of it. There's also (maybe) the guy aspect. I remember talking to a female once about myself and my general fear of messing up (sinning), or of the sins that I'm capable of doing. She didn't really relate to that fear. I wrote a poem about it when I was younger:
Just let it go--the fear
of missing the best,
of messing up,
of missing out,
And just trust God.
I remember reading in Wild at Heart about that being a fear that is common to men, basically the fear of your own strength and what you are capable of.
On the flip side (now I'm rambling) I'm also reminded of Aragorn, the king, being what he was meant to be.
We're capable of great evil, but also of great good. And maybe scared of both. But we should try to be what we were meant to be.
So we don't let people in because of our fear.
Daniel
Anna,
I really appreciate all your comments. Thank you for really going through and sharing what you thought about what I wrote.
To try and clarify part of why I was writing what I was writing is that I wanted to just try to organize what has been going on with me recently. I know sometimes I can be very rigid in my ideas of fair, justice, right and wrong and that I can be difficult at the best of times, but the heart of what I was saying is that this is my struggle. I might be wrong, but the point is that struggling on my own has become intolerable.
You said that I should talk to people I'm close to, and maybe I didn't clarify this in my writing, but I don't feel particularly close to anyone at the moment. I share as much as I am able with the people I can, but it isn't satisfactory and I need the situation to change.
I think it's interesting that this theme, of what I wrote, permeates aspects of everyone's life regardless of their belief system. I think it's because we are meant to have deep relationships with other people and a sense of connectedness, when we don't have this we feel something missing.
I feel that in general people aren't extremely competent (myself included) at interactions with the messier sides of peoples lives. In all of our attempts to do so we sometimes can trample over other people overlooking them and projecting ourselves onto them. I feel part of this can be resolved with a deeper understanding of each other, in community with other people.
All, I want to say is that I read your blog and everyone else's comments.
As I share many common thoughts with you, I am not as talented or organized to put my thoughts into words like you and others did.
But I am somewhat relieved to hear that I wasn't the only one, thinking like this.
I just wanted to let you know...
I feel ya sista.
Thanks DramaQueenKCK. I was talking to a guy friend the other day and he said that sometimes he doesn't even realize that he is distancing himself from others until it has already happened and the funny part was that I realized that about myself as well which is partially what prompted me to write about this subject. Trying to figure out what I felt and what I can do.
I know it might sound cheesy, but I'm trying to be more intentional about talking to people. Actually making an effort to talk to people more or communicate more. Not to the point where I'm overwhelmed which is usually what happens, but trying to take an active interest in what's going on with others around me.
I'm not sure where I'll end up, but at least I'm doing something.
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