Man...p2

...picking up where I last left off is mildly difficult because so many other interesting things have been happening, that I would like to diverge from my current course of posts and write about those things. However I have ADD so bad that if I do that then I'll never get back on track. So back to unraveling my twisted thread...

A couple of weeks ago I was having a conversation with an 8 year old girl I've been working with. She asked, "Tanika, why do people want to try and touch stars?" and I said, "Because they think they are really beautiful and look like jewels shining in the sky." Thinking this was the end of that particular conversation I was returning back to our work when she said, "But that doesn't make any sense. First, they are so far away it would take them forever to get to them even if they were going really fast, second the stars are made of burning gas so even if they could touch it, it would probably kill them. Don't they know that?" And I of course said yes most people know that stars are made up of burning gases. She said then why do they say they want to touch them then. I told her I would have to get back to her on that one.

I was reflecting on this over the weekend, thinking how the perception of holding a star and the reality of holding a star reflect how I view men and my relationships with them. No I don't think men are stars. But when I think about the relationships I've had with men in the past both romantic and nonromantic. I thinking about how this epitomizes my approach to relationships with men as more than friends. When I think about how beautiful being with some could be or how wonderful it could to have that level of intimacy with someone I want to be as close I as I can possibly get, holding it close to my heart. But the reality is that much like a star it's really this huge chaotic, roiling mass of gases and chunks of rock. I think about how heated, chaotic, and dangerous my relationships with men have been in the past and I'm reminded of what could happen if I try to hold this thing close to my heart. I will be burned. I think about my own inner turmoil and I wonder why I would want to add that into my equations.

tanika's inner life = chaos

tanika's inner life + man = catastrophic chaos

But I forget the first thing I said to the 8 year old. There is a beauty in those stars that others can see. They see more than the beauty they see it's origins and it's endings. They see the beautiful complexity of balance and light and even knowing that trying to hold it close to you will be dangerous, they still desire to touch the star.

I on the other hand can't get past the burning ball of gas. Sometimes though I forget and I see only the beauty and I am entranced into reaching, stepping closer but as I hold out my hand I remember what I'm actually trying to hold and my heart turns cold and I look away no longer interested in touching any more until he next time, the beauty catches my eye.

Does this mean that I don't currently have friendships that are nice with men? No it doesn't, but I do notice that I tend to avoid conflict in those relationships (truthfully I avoid conflict in most relationships). I do have conflict, but I like it resolved as quickly as possible otherwise I get sick thinking about something where I'm in conflict with someone and it negatively affects all aspects of my life. I'm not a conflict ignorer which some people confuse this with. If something isn't right I will say something, but I'm usually diplomatic and if I'm not then I must feel so strongly about it that I'm risking falling out with someone over it, and the risk is worth it to me.

I was talking about this with some friends this weekend and I never really realized this about myself until that moment. Truthfully speaking this weekend was one for epiphanies and will definitely spark some posts and short stories in the future. Alright I have to get back to the daily grind, just kidding I love my job.

As always have a good day and enjoy.