Telationship rips?

Once upon a time I, a self-proclaimed connoisseur of relationship folly(especially the male/female kind), wrote what I will fondly refer to as tips about relationships. Not necessarily romantic relationships, but what I hoped were tips that were useful in other relationship arenas as well.

Over the past year however as I've struggled in personal growth and development I've been spending so much time looking at my internal struggle that I've neglected the external struggles around me. Each of us has so much going on within ourselves and with those closest to us that there is never a shortage of examples of what might, could, and does go awry in human relationships. Once someone asked me why I don't like dramas, be it film, television or books, and I replied because I have so much going on in my own life and the life of those around me that I don't need to be stressed out about some more that isn't even real.

The real question is are we looking at them? Learning from them? Dare I say it, maturing as a result of them? As I shared in the previous post recently someone I know was talking to me about a relationship dilemma they had. The topic of the conversation...unrequited love (or other lesser, but still meaningful emotion). Recently I've been having this same conversation with different people. I've spoken to both men and women, requiter and requitee, and even mildly biased observers of the situation. And whether we like it or not as long as people are attracted to people and other people aren't, unrequited love will always be an issue.

After recently watching a clip from one of Madea's live performances, I was again reminded of one really important thing. If you want to be with someone and they don't want to be with you...let them go, and move on. Now I'm not saying moving on is easy or that you will get over it quickly, but if you don't try you will be that person that annoys all your friends with "Woe is me, why won't he/she love me, why can't we be together" sob stories over and over again. You will also be the person who can't have an emotionally stable relationship with anyone else because you will always be thinking about what might have been. Nothing kills peace and happiness faster that the "what ifs" and "might have beens".

Now on the flip side if you are the unrequitee (is this a word) you're also faced with the tough decision of dealing with the unrequited love. How do you handle it when someone comes to you and professes feelings that you don't return and usually wasn't even thinking about returning? Well the best thing is to be honest with that other person because there's nothing more vulnerable than a person who has just put themselves out their emotionally and from the people I've been speaking with there is nothing worse than false hope, except probably the instant where you realize it was false hope. There are so many people walking around with bitterness right now because someone held that false hope out to them that something could happen when they knew it wouldn't. The next thing to do would be to take a time out and examine your feelings because maybe it's possibly the love isn't unrequited after all, but if you need that time tell the other person, please. A soul-destroyer exercise is one that involves open ended emotional stress and tension.

Now after all this has been worked out no new relationship has been formed, there is a tendency for the unrequitee to want things to go back to the way the used to be, to want to "still be friends", but that isn't going to happen. As long as men and women are different, this won't happen, unless both parties are mature enough to handle the shift in the relationship. You have to understand that 99% of the time it wasn't anything the unrequitee knowingly did to stir affections beyond friendship, but they feel like they needed to be guarded and that changes the entire relationship from easy going friendship to high tension.

Be that as it may, I'm at the end of this for now. No conclusions of what can be done, but at least I know what's going on :) well, mostly.


As always have a good day and enjoy.

Depth, Porcupines and other Hodgepodge

The other day an employee of mine came to me with a serious personal problem they wanted to talk over and ask some advice about. It was concerning a matter of the heart which at the best of times can be a tricky business. I listened patiently and gave them my honest opinion of the subject, but said ultimately it was there decision to make. Another emotional employee crisis averted, right?

When I took on the role as director I initially realized that I was going to be dealing with things that were beyond my hitherto experience. Learning how to run a business, effective time management (still haven't gotten that down) and coordinating human and physical resources to accomplish goals. What I hadn't anticipated was being a "counselor" for lack of a better term. Since day one though it's been a full time job in and of itself.

I'm am an intensely private person and wouldn't dream of ever talking to my boss about personal problems. Not that he wouldn't listen as a matter of fact he's always getting on me about not talking to him more. But I now realize that between employees, adminitrators, and students they're coming, ready or not. Most people can't function very well in their professional lives when they are having drama in their personal lives (this had not really occured to me until this week, I know I'm slow on the uptake).

At the beginning of this week another employee came to me with a problem of a more serious nature. I felt completely inadequate to the task of assisting so I just listened and suggested they speak with someone with more experience in that area. I also have been slowly finding out that when people's personal lives are haywire they don't compartmentalize like I do (the ever resilient porcupine), but instead their personal lives not only leak into their professional ones they postively flood. If those problems aren't dealt with then they aren't as effective at work which causes even more problems.

I find myself emotionally drained at the end of the day after dealinng with the various and sundry situations shared with me throughout the day. I'm not expecting any solutions to this I just needed to pull a (what they do to me all the time) on my own blog. I guess people do like talking to me when they have a problem (even me).

As always have a good day and enjoy.

Why I like Pigs So Much....

If you've hung out with me for more than 15 minutes you'll know that not only do I like pigs more than is probably healthy, I also collect them, wear articles of clothing that with pigs on it, and I have a pig on my desktop and somehow attached to all websites I currently manage.

Out of all the animals I could have a yen for so to speak why, you might ask (as a bunch of kids asked me a couple of days ago) would I like pigs? First of all the reason I even started liking pigs was because originally I didn't like them. I know this sounds crazy, but when I was younger I spent a couple of field trips visiting farms and inevitably there were pigs. One of the farmers who also liked pigs was showing me how smart they are and how friendly they are. As I started learning more about them I realized how amazing they are. And I realized that it's easy to get put off by the outward appearance of something without looking deeper. That's when I got my first pig, Levin who I still have to this day sitting up on my bookshelf. Now I like pigs because I actually think they are cute. I guess that's what happens when you love something, you see the beauty that is there even when no one else does. Now I like pigs on a different level because they remind me that it's easy to judge by outward appearances, but remember I should be more concerned about what's inside.

Another reason I like pigs is because they have personality. Yeah I know that's what everyone says, but it's probably because they have personality similar to mine. If you read that article you'll know it's pretty much true. Unlike most other animals, cats being the exception (unless you are feeding them), pigs are aloof and don't trust easily. You have to earn their trust a few treats and neck rubs aren't going to do the trick. They are also very intelligent. And they are more trainable than dogs, and unlike most animals, have the learning skills of primates. They are also very loyal to who they bond with, friendly, patient, and enjoy listening to music. What's not to like?

But I know everyone doesn't agree with me. Someone, in their "wisdom", tried to tell me why I shouldn't like pigs. First of all they are so dirty, when in actual fact if you read links I've included you'll see that they like to keep their living areas clean. Yes, they roll around in mud and dirt, but most people aren't smart enough to figure out why. The truth is that pigs have extremely fair skin and if they don't coat themselves in dust and mud they will get sunburned. I've been on plenty of farms in the summer, never seen a sunburned pig. However, in LA (and I won't even confine it to the summer), I see people sunburned all the time. I of course don't have this problem, but when I ask why they don't use sunblock I get ridiculous answers like they forgot or all my burns turn to tan (or as I like to think of it: skin cancer). A pig is smart enough to not get sunburned are you?

Yeah I know none of you are going to go out and start proclaiming the wonders of the porcine nature, but maybe next time you'll look past that wriggling snout to those sharp intelligent eyes and think, "Maybe you're not so bad after all."

As always have a good day and enjoy.

If it wasn't for those meddling kids...

Recently, someone who I work with was telling me how they want to have 11 children. Personally I was in mild shock because I was wondering how they would support this number of children on their current budget. Maybe they were thinking of the number they wanted if they won the lottery.

I was also baffled because I couldn't figure out how in the world this person who could barely handle 3 kids a time would even try to have more than that. I know there's a book about it taking a small village to raise a child, but you don't have to have your own village.

I guess I had this strong reaction because recently I've seen some parental examples that have left much to be desired. I can only imagine what it must be like growing up, day in day out feeling helpless and trapped in a bad situation that you have no control over. And before anyone starts jumping all over me, no I don't have any children of my own, but I have helped raise 3 and I've been working with children for more years than I care to tell you because then you'll know my age. But I don't need to be a parent to see when a child is hurting.

Sometimes I feel so ineffective when I see them struggling and unsure and I can't really do much of anything and it's pretty hard to try to reassure them that things will get better. I look into young eyes that should show eager inquisitiveness and I see cynicism and hopelessness. I've observed the arbitrary methods that some parents use with their children. I try to tell myself that it's merely a misguided but serious attempt to raise them correctly, though I know it isn't.

Then I am amazed at a child's ability to overcome all of these things and still have dreams and goals. To not give into the despair of their circumstances.

It's been a rough week. Feel free to comment.

As always have a good day and enjoy.

IQ Obsession

I know I haven't posted for a while, but I've been busy with this, that and the other. My most recent obsession being IQ tests. I know what most of you are thinking. About how biased they are and how they don't really measure what a person knows. They don't test in areas that don't allow for quantitative analysis. And you'd be right.

So what is the purpose of an IQ test? I read an interesting article that partially answers that question. Not fully but it's very interesting. I guess I recently became obsessed with them because of the standardized testing whether it's a state test, SAT, ACT, or the CAHSEE, that I have been helping students prepare for. I noticed a strong correlation between these tests and IQ tests I have seen in the past.

Whether you like it or not testing, whether written or oral, is essential for the accurate assessment of an individual to determine how best to serve them in the process of acquiring and assimilating information. Fortunately or unfortunately as society "progresses" the need for highly developed skills and knowledge is essential to be "successful" if you don't care about that then don't read the rest of this post, if you do then continue. Education, in whatever form it takes, is an integral part of this. So making sure a child can receive maximum benefits from their education is also important. Hence the need for testing which allows for the ability to customize based on individual needs as opposed external standards.

From personal and professional experience in education, testing, evaluating and tutoring I have noticed that students who have consistently low standardized tests scores, regular test scores, and poor classroom performance struggle more academically than those with consistently higher marks. This doesn't mean that many outside factors don't contribute to these scores, but that for whatever reason the student is unable to demonstrate critical thinking skills and knowledge they should have acquired up to whatever level they are testing.

I have worked with MANY students who according to their marks from various tests and classroom grades are Below Basic and Far Below Basic, where Basic is considered to be at grade level according to state standards. Most of those students have been successful as a result of the programs that I have used with them, but it required many ours of individual attention and academic struggle on the side of the student. Where as the students who I have worked with that are Above Basic or Advanced usual require minimal instruction with the exception of topic introduction and demonstrating a few examples to obtain information that according to state standards they should know. And quite a few of them are able to figure things out on their own even if they encounter a new topic because of their highly developed critical thinking skills, logic, and knowledge acquisition abilities.

Essentially the major purpose of all the tests that are being developed is to see how effective someone is at demonstrating the critical thinking skills, logic, and knowledge acquisition abilities and retention. Because the truth is, that's what it takes to be successful in our current society.

If any of you would like to argue the point fine, but consider this first. When you are at work and your boss gives you a problem to solve. Does he/she come back later and ask you if you know about the problem and a possible solution or Does he/she come back to see a solution(s) to the problem or optimally to see you have already solved the problem?

If it's the former where do you work and why isn't it out of business and if it's the latter then obviously you have a job in the real world.

As always have a good day and enjoy.