Yes...I'm aware that I was supposed to blog about my Caribbean cruise, but as you can see I have not. I wish I could say I'm sorry about that, but I'm not. I don't feel like blogging about that. I've already talked about it, made a photo album and a mini-scrapbook for my family. I can't take it anymore...for right now. Suffice to say it was nice, good food, sleep and relaxation. I had a holiday romance with a crew member, who was from Croatia and spent a lot of good time with my family.
On another note I was washing clothes tonight reflecting on a conversation I had with a friend this afternoon. I was telling her that as a person who struggles with a nonconformist nature (I still haven't figured out if it's good or bad) I've been feeling out of sorts recently (and by recently I mean for a long time) with the fact that not only do I feel like I'm floating on the outskirts of society in general, but people that I'm around most of the time specifically. I acknowledge openly that I feel differently, think differently and act differently than most of my peers and for that matter people I don't know as well. I was telling her that being different doesn't bother me (at least on the superficial external level) but my perception that most of the people I'm around are SO similar does. It's like about 90% of the people I know are listening to the same station and I can't seem to tune in.
I look at everyone looking and acting the same. Seemingly happy and for the life of me I can't understand how they are all like that without thinking they are a cult or something. Maybe it's just me. But most things I perceive that other people think are important mean less than nothing to me. And since I have a hard time "acting" like I'm interested in something when I'm really not. I usually just continue out of step with everyone. But as I said before they all seem so happy and at the core of me is this nebulous feeling of disconnectedness. Maybe it's just me. If I try to be the way that everyone else is maybe I can seemingly be happy as well.
I try...contrarily sickening myself with this very act of conformity going against my nature. Because I think that if I can just mimic the actions the feelings will follow. But they don't. And all I'm left with is disgust with myself for thinking that it's possible to change who I am inside, mixed with the knowledge that what I am inside will never be like "them". Maybe it's just me.
I reflected on a Jane Austen quote, another nonconformist of her time. In the book Pride and Prejudice Lizzy says to Jane in response to Jane wishing Lizzy could be as happy as she, "Until I have your goodness, I can never have your happiness." I realized what she is saying is that fundamentally we are different. I can never feel the way you do unless I am you and no amount of wishing will change that.
Facing the ultimate realization that my fundamental differences might actually keep me from every feeling a part of something scares me. I'm left with the question: What do I do? Maybe it's just me.
I am 50% Left Brain and 50% Right Brain. Interesting...
| You Are 50% Left Brained, 50% Right Brained |
 Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports. |
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6 comments:
Hmmm... I don't want to minimize or downplay anything you've said; it's just that I tend to feel some of the same things. I wonder if all the homogenous crowd is wondering the same thing: why am I so different than the all my friends who are all so similar?
A recipe for mass disconnectedness, that; but I bet it's not far from the truth.
An interesting point MD. Mass disconnectedness. That's probably why I wrote seemingly instead of actually. I know there can't be that high level of homogenous connectedness and happiness, but somehow others are able to conform to a pattern of behavior that "seems" to fine with them. And it's the ability to even do that (which I definitely don't possess) that gives them a connectedness.
And you didn't downplay anything that I've said. I can easily imagine you feeling the same things especially since I know you. Something that I don't feel comfortable sharing in such a public forum (the details anyway) are that not only are my feelings at variance with what everyone else "seems" to feel or do. But my experiences are also greatly at variance with what "seems" to be happening with everyone else. It's the emotions, thoughts, and actions shaped by these experiences that make it so hard for me to feel a connectedness with anyone else.
Yeah, it's definitely not just you. I mean, of course your specific feelings and experiences are unique to you, but I can certainly relate. It's actually something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Other people always seem much more connected, but I know I sometimes seem more connected than I feel. I think a lot of, or at least a significant amount of, the perceived homogenous connectedness is actually very superficial. I think to have a connection of any depth, you have to be vulnerable with each other, and pride often interferes with that. People put up walls and then try to appear not to have any walls up, and sometimes the illusion works but it doesn't hold up to much scrutiny. Anyway, I could go on and on but I'm too lazy at the moment. Thanks for sharing though - I really appreciate what you wrote.
I guess I perceive that connectedness on a superficial level as something that obviously is important to people, whether it actually is or not. And I can't stand being around people that I'm only connected to on a superficial level. Because I perceive it as not a genuine connection so I only spend the necessary time with them. This is probably one of my bigger faults.
Anna,
I appreciate your comment, and sorry I forgot to tell you happy birthday. Yeah I find myself going from one extreme to the other on occasion because I feel like maybe I should make more of an effort, but then I'm annoyed that I'm hanging out with people that I don't want to because our connections feel superficial. I guess it's just hard for to feel like I'm on the same level as someone when the things that "connect" us mean less than nothing to me.
I have felt this way since I was very young. I used to wear a self made pin that read, Y B Normal.
You're fine. The others are sheep. You don't want to be a sheep. Why pretend?
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