...picking up where I last left off is mildly difficult because so many other interesting things have been happening, that I would like to diverge from my current course of posts and write about those things. However I have ADD so bad that if I do that then I'll never get back on track. So back to unraveling my twisted thread...
A couple of weeks ago I was having a conversation with an 8 year old girl I've been working with. She asked, "Tanika, why do people want to try and touch stars?" and I said, "Because they think they are really beautiful and look like jewels shining in the sky." Thinking this was the end of that particular conversation I was returning back to our work when she said, "But that doesn't make any sense. First, they are so far away it would take them forever to get to them even if they were going really fast, second the stars are made of burning gas so even if they could touch it, it would probably kill them. Don't they know that?" And I of course said yes most people know that stars are made up of burning gases. She said then why do they say they want to touch them then. I told her I would have to get back to her on that one.
I was reflecting on this over the weekend, thinking how the perception of holding a star and the reality of holding a star reflect how I view men and my relationships with them. No I don't think men are stars. But when I think about the relationships I've had with men in the past both romantic and nonromantic. I thinking about how this epitomizes my approach to relationships with men as more than friends. When I think about how beautiful being with some could be or how wonderful it could to have that level of intimacy with someone I want to be as close I as I can possibly get, holding it close to my heart. But the reality is that much like a star it's really this huge chaotic, roiling mass of gases and chunks of rock. I think about how heated, chaotic, and dangerous my relationships with men have been in the past and I'm reminded of what could happen if I try to hold this thing close to my heart. I will be burned. I think about my own inner turmoil and I wonder why I would want to add that into my equations.
tanika's inner life = chaos
tanika's inner life + man = catastrophic chaos
But I forget the first thing I said to the 8 year old. There is a beauty in those stars that others can see. They see more than the beauty they see it's origins and it's endings. They see the beautiful complexity of balance and light and even knowing that trying to hold it close to you will be dangerous, they still desire to touch the star.
I on the other hand can't get past the burning ball of gas. Sometimes though I forget and I see only the beauty and I am entranced into reaching, stepping closer but as I hold out my hand I remember what I'm actually trying to hold and my heart turns cold and I look away no longer interested in touching any more until he next time, the beauty catches my eye.
Does this mean that I don't currently have friendships that are nice with men? No it doesn't, but I do notice that I tend to avoid conflict in those relationships (truthfully I avoid conflict in most relationships). I do have conflict, but I like it resolved as quickly as possible otherwise I get sick thinking about something where I'm in conflict with someone and it negatively affects all aspects of my life. I'm not a conflict ignorer which some people confuse this with. If something isn't right I will say something, but I'm usually diplomatic and if I'm not then I must feel so strongly about it that I'm risking falling out with someone over it, and the risk is worth it to me.
I was talking about this with some friends this weekend and I never really realized this about myself until that moment. Truthfully speaking this weekend was one for epiphanies and will definitely spark some posts and short stories in the future. Alright I have to get back to the daily grind, just kidding I love my job.
As always have a good day and enjoy.
I am 50% Left Brain and 50% Right Brain. Interesting...
| You Are 50% Left Brained, 50% Right Brained |
 Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports. |
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Man...p1
I've decided to get back to the most unpleasant task of attempting to unravel the twisted thread that is my thoughts, emotions, and feelings with a topic that I've been pondering for nigh on 27 years. Ok if I'm truthful it's more like 22 years, but really when I'm senile will it matter?
I was in conversation with some friends at a barbecue last week and we were discussing the female disillusionment of the male and believe it or not there were a few straight guys participating in this conversation so it wasn't some sort of male bashing party. I actually brought up a comment a male friend of mine said to me recently about how a lot of women, at least in LA have made it difficult for a guy to be tender, gentlemanly or sensitive because of the strong, independent, anti-male stance they have taken towards guys. Although he is still a nice guy, he says when he tries to approach a woman in a sensitive and caring manner he is usually shut down, rejected or whatever you want to call it, he said after that happens to a man a few too many times it makes him harder and rougher towards women in order to actually have a semi-decent relationship with someone. I know this doesn't make sense, but that's what he said. Then I said women generally behave that way in order to protect themselves because they too have been approached a time too many by men who aren't trying to be sensitive or caring.
Argh!!! I've gotten off track from my original purpose. Anyway this conversation started my thoughts towards my feelings toward the opposite sex. Pressure from friends and family to get together with someone, settle down, and start a family notwithstanding I'm generally wary of the opposite sex and for various reasons I'm not particularly interested in having a long term (i.e. marriage) relationship with one of them now or in the future. Please reread the previous sentence and make sure you understand what I just said instead of jumping to to the conclusion that I said I don't ever want to get married because that isn't what I just said.
This past year I've been struggling with a lot of the aforementioned reasons from the past and present about my feelings toward men trying to separate out truth from fiction and how I can best reconcile my issues and decide what I really want in life. I can't say if there has been any progress because I really feel like I've been running around my issues in circles instead of really addressing them head on.
In an attempt to redress this I thought back to some of my first memories of crushes, interactions with men, and impressions of male behavior and I remember making a comment to my mother who still thinks this is a funny story, but which really gets to the heart of one of the things I've struggled with my whole life. Some of you already know this because you've heard her tell this story, but when I was 6 years old I told her quite succinctly that when I grew up I wanted to marry a weak, white man. Notice my adjectives. Not just a white man, but a weak one. I wanted someone who I could feel safe with who was non-threatening and when I looked around this is what I came up with. When pressed by family and friends to justify my choice in a marriage partner I told them that I wanted someone who wouldn't give me any problems, that I knew if he tried something I'd whip his (insert expletive here). I was a foul mouthed 6 year old by the way. Coming from a metropolitan area and being the child of someone in the military I had the opportunity of traveling quite a bit even before I turned 6 years old and I had observed/experienced the behavior of single and married men towards friends, family, and coworkers. I had, at that tender young age, found what I was looking for. I didn't want romance, weddings with a zillion bridesmaids, or children out the wazoo. I wanted security and safety. You see at that time I thought everyone had to get married I didn't realize that there was this option of actually staying single and enjoying my life.
When I was growing up I never had a pretend wedding, talked about what I would name my children, thought about the guy I would marry and what he would be like. I'm not saying I haven't dated or haven't been interested in or attracted to men romantically, but if I ever dreamed of being with someone for the rest of my life he has always been faceless. There have been guys who I've really be interested in and definitely thought of in the sense of being with them, but the more I dwelt on the idea to more I went off it. This isn't an offence to any of the guys out there who I have dated but the thought of spending the rest of my life with any of them made me want to vomit then and thinking about it now makes me want to vomit. That's sounds harsh but it's what I felt then and what I feel now. I realize it wasn't really them it's me. The thought of being in a relationship with someone for the rest of my life makes me feel trapped, constrained and vaguely nauseated.
I've grown older, I've matured, and I've learned a lot about life, the good, the bad, and the ugly and while now I have plenty of guy friends who I enjoy the company of and love spending time with them, deep inside I still have the same feelings of that 6 year old. I wasn't really interested in being married to a weak, white man in particular. I wasn't really interested in being married at all. It was more about what I wasn't interested in being married to.
As you can see by the title that says p1 (meaning part 1) I have come to no conclusions and this is what I'm thinking now. I might be thinking something completely different tomorrow.
I was in conversation with some friends at a barbecue last week and we were discussing the female disillusionment of the male and believe it or not there were a few straight guys participating in this conversation so it wasn't some sort of male bashing party. I actually brought up a comment a male friend of mine said to me recently about how a lot of women, at least in LA have made it difficult for a guy to be tender, gentlemanly or sensitive because of the strong, independent, anti-male stance they have taken towards guys. Although he is still a nice guy, he says when he tries to approach a woman in a sensitive and caring manner he is usually shut down, rejected or whatever you want to call it, he said after that happens to a man a few too many times it makes him harder and rougher towards women in order to actually have a semi-decent relationship with someone. I know this doesn't make sense, but that's what he said. Then I said women generally behave that way in order to protect themselves because they too have been approached a time too many by men who aren't trying to be sensitive or caring.
Argh!!! I've gotten off track from my original purpose. Anyway this conversation started my thoughts towards my feelings toward the opposite sex. Pressure from friends and family to get together with someone, settle down, and start a family notwithstanding I'm generally wary of the opposite sex and for various reasons I'm not particularly interested in having a long term (i.e. marriage) relationship with one of them now or in the future. Please reread the previous sentence and make sure you understand what I just said instead of jumping to to the conclusion that I said I don't ever want to get married because that isn't what I just said.
This past year I've been struggling with a lot of the aforementioned reasons from the past and present about my feelings toward men trying to separate out truth from fiction and how I can best reconcile my issues and decide what I really want in life. I can't say if there has been any progress because I really feel like I've been running around my issues in circles instead of really addressing them head on.
In an attempt to redress this I thought back to some of my first memories of crushes, interactions with men, and impressions of male behavior and I remember making a comment to my mother who still thinks this is a funny story, but which really gets to the heart of one of the things I've struggled with my whole life. Some of you already know this because you've heard her tell this story, but when I was 6 years old I told her quite succinctly that when I grew up I wanted to marry a weak, white man. Notice my adjectives. Not just a white man, but a weak one. I wanted someone who I could feel safe with who was non-threatening and when I looked around this is what I came up with. When pressed by family and friends to justify my choice in a marriage partner I told them that I wanted someone who wouldn't give me any problems, that I knew if he tried something I'd whip his (insert expletive here). I was a foul mouthed 6 year old by the way. Coming from a metropolitan area and being the child of someone in the military I had the opportunity of traveling quite a bit even before I turned 6 years old and I had observed/experienced the behavior of single and married men towards friends, family, and coworkers. I had, at that tender young age, found what I was looking for. I didn't want romance, weddings with a zillion bridesmaids, or children out the wazoo. I wanted security and safety. You see at that time I thought everyone had to get married I didn't realize that there was this option of actually staying single and enjoying my life.
When I was growing up I never had a pretend wedding, talked about what I would name my children, thought about the guy I would marry and what he would be like. I'm not saying I haven't dated or haven't been interested in or attracted to men romantically, but if I ever dreamed of being with someone for the rest of my life he has always been faceless. There have been guys who I've really be interested in and definitely thought of in the sense of being with them, but the more I dwelt on the idea to more I went off it. This isn't an offence to any of the guys out there who I have dated but the thought of spending the rest of my life with any of them made me want to vomit then and thinking about it now makes me want to vomit. That's sounds harsh but it's what I felt then and what I feel now. I realize it wasn't really them it's me. The thought of being in a relationship with someone for the rest of my life makes me feel trapped, constrained and vaguely nauseated.
I've grown older, I've matured, and I've learned a lot about life, the good, the bad, and the ugly and while now I have plenty of guy friends who I enjoy the company of and love spending time with them, deep inside I still have the same feelings of that 6 year old. I wasn't really interested in being married to a weak, white man in particular. I wasn't really interested in being married at all. It was more about what I wasn't interested in being married to.
As you can see by the title that says p1 (meaning part 1) I have come to no conclusions and this is what I'm thinking now. I might be thinking something completely different tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Married...with children!
Yesterday Lisa sent me a message asking about the origin of a name. When I got home I told her it was Moroccan. She laughingly says of course you would know that Tanika. I on the other hand thought it was common knowledge which just proves how unaware I am of things at times. She asked me what language they spoke in Morocco and I said French, Arabic and English (I forgot about Spanish until this morning). She wondered how in the world I know anything about Morocco and I casually dropped the bombshell that I had been engaged to a man from Morocco for about 2 months.
I hadn't realized that I never told her about that. You become so comfortable with your life that minor details like that slip your mind because you assume that if people know you then they know things like that about you. Anyway she mentioned it would be funny to put this in a blog post to mess with other people like I messed with her. However, like I told Lisa last night, I was actually engaged to this man for about 2 months, though it was unofficial until we had parental consent.
To give you a little history. I met him when I was 15 years old and he and a group of his friends were visiting the United States. I heard a group of guys trying to figure out how to get downtown and trying to get directions. The only problem was they didn't speak any English, they were speaking French. Of course with the eagerness of my budding language skills I offered my assistance and quickly hit it off with aforementioned fiance. They went downtown and I went shoe shopping with my mother. As I pondered the fate of the traveling Moroccans, I used my cunning intellect and my silver tongue to convince my mother we needed to go downtown to make sure these guys reached their destination. I wouldn't have felt right if they were lost in a strange city of non-French speaking people.
We found them downtown (after some serious searching on my part) and met up had dinner and some good times. I exchanged information with Mr. R (as I will refer to my ex-fiance) and over the course of the next year we corresponded spoke on the phone and he visited the U.S. twice to see me. I was a precocious teenager. Needless to say our relationship progressed to a point where the next logical step was marriage. At least for him. Realize I'm a 16 year old at this point just trying to enjoy myself. I refuse to tell you how old Mr. R is because I know you will only say "I knew it Tanika!" Anyway I knew the matter was becoming serious when he suggested our parents meet to discuss my dowry. To shorten this story, clearly we didn't get married, I'm still single. The problem was he wanted to get married then. I was going to have to stop school and move to Morocco. As you can tell my mom was pretty laid back about all this, but she was adamant that I was going to finish school first. There was also the religion issue. He wanted me to become a Muslim, but I didn't want to. My mom wouldn't give her consent so we would have to wait until I was 18. He didn't want to wait and shortly there after we stopped talking. I mean what else was there?
I always wondered what would have happened if my mom said yes and gave her consent. Would we have been able to work out our differences? Would I be married in Morocco speaking French with 15 million kids? I guess we'll never know.
Anyway, now you know a little bit more about me. I guess I'm not a guts spilling sort of person and even though something momentous happens, it gets relegated to the back of my mind to be replaced by more immediate issues.
As always have a good day and enjoy.
I hadn't realized that I never told her about that. You become so comfortable with your life that minor details like that slip your mind because you assume that if people know you then they know things like that about you. Anyway she mentioned it would be funny to put this in a blog post to mess with other people like I messed with her. However, like I told Lisa last night, I was actually engaged to this man for about 2 months, though it was unofficial until we had parental consent.
To give you a little history. I met him when I was 15 years old and he and a group of his friends were visiting the United States. I heard a group of guys trying to figure out how to get downtown and trying to get directions. The only problem was they didn't speak any English, they were speaking French. Of course with the eagerness of my budding language skills I offered my assistance and quickly hit it off with aforementioned fiance. They went downtown and I went shoe shopping with my mother. As I pondered the fate of the traveling Moroccans, I used my cunning intellect and my silver tongue to convince my mother we needed to go downtown to make sure these guys reached their destination. I wouldn't have felt right if they were lost in a strange city of non-French speaking people.
We found them downtown (after some serious searching on my part) and met up had dinner and some good times. I exchanged information with Mr. R (as I will refer to my ex-fiance) and over the course of the next year we corresponded spoke on the phone and he visited the U.S. twice to see me. I was a precocious teenager. Needless to say our relationship progressed to a point where the next logical step was marriage. At least for him. Realize I'm a 16 year old at this point just trying to enjoy myself. I refuse to tell you how old Mr. R is because I know you will only say "I knew it Tanika!" Anyway I knew the matter was becoming serious when he suggested our parents meet to discuss my dowry. To shorten this story, clearly we didn't get married, I'm still single. The problem was he wanted to get married then. I was going to have to stop school and move to Morocco. As you can tell my mom was pretty laid back about all this, but she was adamant that I was going to finish school first. There was also the religion issue. He wanted me to become a Muslim, but I didn't want to. My mom wouldn't give her consent so we would have to wait until I was 18. He didn't want to wait and shortly there after we stopped talking. I mean what else was there?
I always wondered what would have happened if my mom said yes and gave her consent. Would we have been able to work out our differences? Would I be married in Morocco speaking French with 15 million kids? I guess we'll never know.
Anyway, now you know a little bit more about me. I guess I'm not a guts spilling sort of person and even though something momentous happens, it gets relegated to the back of my mind to be replaced by more immediate issues.
As always have a good day and enjoy.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Long Time, No Post
I wanted to make sure I got a post in before August flew by at the same harrowing speed as May, June and July. It's been crazy down here in the CC since the beginning of last month. As the "summer" draws to a close (actually in LA it starts getting hotter at the end of August and September) the pace will only continue to quicken, so in light of that I've decided to start enjoying my free time more.
As an addendum to the last post and any other posts inspired by it, I've decided to start making positive efforts toward connecting with people (not necessarily everyone), sharing things I love with people who also love them as well, and getting out and enjoying my life just a little bit more.
Ok I know that was cheesy, but hey this is coming from a person who is afraid of soggy cereal so what do you expect? I've been taking the initiative more in my relationships with people. I realize that part of the problem is my own reticence and the other part is other people's. I was talking to a friend the other day who happens to have their birthday in the same week as my own (born in the same year) and we were saying that as we get older we realize how much of our lives have passed without truly enjoying them or living them, at least the way we want to live them.
To that end, I did something Friday night that I have never done before and it was great!! Sort of, I mean the hysterical screaming part wasn't that great but everything else was kinda cool. Oh yeah my legs are pretty sore as well, but I figure that's a small price to pay. That's just what happens when you are running from boiling hot lava I suppose. Then when the evening ended with a drunken brawl, I knew I was living life. Who wouldn't love frolicking on Venice Beach in the middle of the night?
Have a good day, and as always enjoy.
As an addendum to the last post and any other posts inspired by it, I've decided to start making positive efforts toward connecting with people (not necessarily everyone), sharing things I love with people who also love them as well, and getting out and enjoying my life just a little bit more.
Ok I know that was cheesy, but hey this is coming from a person who is afraid of soggy cereal so what do you expect? I've been taking the initiative more in my relationships with people. I realize that part of the problem is my own reticence and the other part is other people's. I was talking to a friend the other day who happens to have their birthday in the same week as my own (born in the same year) and we were saying that as we get older we realize how much of our lives have passed without truly enjoying them or living them, at least the way we want to live them.
To that end, I did something Friday night that I have never done before and it was great!! Sort of, I mean the hysterical screaming part wasn't that great but everything else was kinda cool. Oh yeah my legs are pretty sore as well, but I figure that's a small price to pay. That's just what happens when you are running from boiling hot lava I suppose. Then when the evening ended with a drunken brawl, I knew I was living life. Who wouldn't love frolicking on Venice Beach in the middle of the night?
Have a good day, and as always enjoy.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
The balance of power...in my mind
To explain what I mean by balance of power, the overarching theme of my struggles over the past year , taking place in my mind, stems from my desire to have deep genuine community with others battling with my need for personal space because the interaction I'm getting is overwhelming, draining and usually of a superficial nature which annoys me and eventually sickens me causing me to lose my desire for close relationships with others because of our lack of ability to connect. This in turn causes me to realize that I don't have genuine community with anyone and I desire it again only to encounter community of the same type that annoyed me before. Over the past several months I have been meditating on the subject of conflict both in my personal life and in my social life. Recently at Kairos they were talking about conflict, way to resolve conflict, and why it's important to resolve conflict.
I started thinking about the conflict in my own life and how I let it dictate to me who I am and how I feel. Most specifically my internal conflict, or least what I perceive as "internal". This past year has been a rough one , I've had work issues, issues from my past, family problems, major health issues, and a million and one other tedious things that drive a person crazy come up and I've struggled to deal with them, hopefully over come them, or at the very least live with them. The key here is that I'm saying I dealt with them, not we, but I. I'm not saying my family and friends weren't supportive, but I felt something missing even in the midst of supportive efforts.
One of the things that have made these things cause more turmoil inside of me is me. I know, I know, why would I make things worse for myself, but that's part of my conflicted nature as well. Over the past year I've been feeling disconnected from the Christian community that I'm a part of as well as the other communities in which I interact. This has been difficult for many reasons mostly because of my desire to have a few people who I feel connected to that understand me, love me, but still challenge me.
The disconnectedness in the Christian community is the hardest for me to deal with because the reason I moved out to the west coast in the first place was to be a part of the very community from which I now feel estranged. Because of my personality, there are few people that I don't feel a need to have a distance with in the first place. However this past year because of pressure of work that made it difficult to interact in social functions or gatherings coupled with personal life stress that made me want to pull away from other people around me I've felt my distance from people even more. An interesting point the was made in one of the talks at Kairos was that when there is a problem with one part of the community if affects the entire community. I thought about that in relation to myself. I was thinking that even though I feel that my struggles are personal and internal they are actually affecting the entire Christian community regardless of how connected or disconnected I feel from it. I'm still a part of it.
Hence one of the things that caused me great personal conflict early this year. I have had a combination of health issues which I won't go into now. But they reached a point of severity where I needed to go to the hospital. I called someone who I'm good friends who I don't mind talking about things with and told them I need some assistance as I wouldn't be able to get to the closest hospital under my own steam. They weren't going to be able to do it so that called a mutual friend of ours. This person took me to the hospital much to my relief and in concern asked what was wrong. Now I understand that in a community we are all concerned and we care about other people and when someone is hurt we want them to get better, we pray for them other things as well. However my health issues were of a personal nature of which I would only feel comfortable discussing with close friends. After I returned home and through the next few months I received extremely personal inquiries about my health from people who barely know me. This let me know that what I considered a personal problem had definitely affected others around me. The only problem was they didn't realize how insensitive I found it when they would ask me something that I really felt was none of their business because of the nature of the problem, when it was from people who I barely exchange pleasantries with. This made me so upset that I didn't want to talk to anyone for quite sometime following. I'm the type of person who doesn't feel comfortable talking about mundane subjects with people that I'm not close to let alone personal matters and it bothered me that people who wouldn't say things to me in other circumstances felt that they could in these. (Realize, I'm excluding people who know me well and understood whether or not we could talk about certain things or if I found it too personal of a question) I was extremely upset and struggled for a while afterward because I had lost all faith and confidence in other people's abilities to be sensitive to the feelings of others. I think I communicate pretty effectively the type of person I am when it regards things I discuss with other people, which made this even more difficult. Whether I was right or wrong did not change how I felt.
I think one of my major personal issues that crosses over into social issues I have with the Christian community in which I function is that people don't say what they feel or what they think so that we all realize that we are sharing common hopes, fears, and anxieties. A few posts ago I wrote more extensively about my feelings of disconnectedness which applies in this situation. This is also wrapped up in my desire and need for accountability that I struggle with as well. When I interact with people and because I have a tendency to actually say what I'm thinking and feeling and am sometimes verbally rebuffed I don't feel like sharing what I'm struggling with. Then I find out later that those same people I was talking with were struggling with the same things too, but didn't say anything.
It's not that I'm saying people aren't genuine, that they aren't real and they don't desire something profound and genuine, what I'm saying is they don't communicate it. I understand that people don't immediately go to deep levels in their relationship, but there needs to be a place where we are who we are. Broken, messy, conflicted, and real. I don't get that from many people regardless of the community in which I look. Not that they aren't there, but maybe they are reticent about opening up for their own conflicted reasons.
I always tell people that the Tanika you see is the Tanika you get, maybe not all of me, but what you are seeing is the genuine me. If you want to learn more please see details inside the package. What I want is for someone to say the same to me about themselves.
Alright this has gone on long enough. As always have a good day and enjoy.
I started thinking about the conflict in my own life and how I let it dictate to me who I am and how I feel. Most specifically my internal conflict, or least what I perceive as "internal". This past year has been a rough one , I've had work issues, issues from my past, family problems, major health issues, and a million and one other tedious things that drive a person crazy come up and I've struggled to deal with them, hopefully over come them, or at the very least live with them. The key here is that I'm saying I dealt with them, not we, but I. I'm not saying my family and friends weren't supportive, but I felt something missing even in the midst of supportive efforts.
One of the things that have made these things cause more turmoil inside of me is me. I know, I know, why would I make things worse for myself, but that's part of my conflicted nature as well. Over the past year I've been feeling disconnected from the Christian community that I'm a part of as well as the other communities in which I interact. This has been difficult for many reasons mostly because of my desire to have a few people who I feel connected to that understand me, love me, but still challenge me.
The disconnectedness in the Christian community is the hardest for me to deal with because the reason I moved out to the west coast in the first place was to be a part of the very community from which I now feel estranged. Because of my personality, there are few people that I don't feel a need to have a distance with in the first place. However this past year because of pressure of work that made it difficult to interact in social functions or gatherings coupled with personal life stress that made me want to pull away from other people around me I've felt my distance from people even more. An interesting point the was made in one of the talks at Kairos was that when there is a problem with one part of the community if affects the entire community. I thought about that in relation to myself. I was thinking that even though I feel that my struggles are personal and internal they are actually affecting the entire Christian community regardless of how connected or disconnected I feel from it. I'm still a part of it.
Hence one of the things that caused me great personal conflict early this year. I have had a combination of health issues which I won't go into now. But they reached a point of severity where I needed to go to the hospital. I called someone who I'm good friends who I don't mind talking about things with and told them I need some assistance as I wouldn't be able to get to the closest hospital under my own steam. They weren't going to be able to do it so that called a mutual friend of ours. This person took me to the hospital much to my relief and in concern asked what was wrong. Now I understand that in a community we are all concerned and we care about other people and when someone is hurt we want them to get better, we pray for them other things as well. However my health issues were of a personal nature of which I would only feel comfortable discussing with close friends. After I returned home and through the next few months I received extremely personal inquiries about my health from people who barely know me. This let me know that what I considered a personal problem had definitely affected others around me. The only problem was they didn't realize how insensitive I found it when they would ask me something that I really felt was none of their business because of the nature of the problem, when it was from people who I barely exchange pleasantries with. This made me so upset that I didn't want to talk to anyone for quite sometime following. I'm the type of person who doesn't feel comfortable talking about mundane subjects with people that I'm not close to let alone personal matters and it bothered me that people who wouldn't say things to me in other circumstances felt that they could in these. (Realize, I'm excluding people who know me well and understood whether or not we could talk about certain things or if I found it too personal of a question) I was extremely upset and struggled for a while afterward because I had lost all faith and confidence in other people's abilities to be sensitive to the feelings of others. I think I communicate pretty effectively the type of person I am when it regards things I discuss with other people, which made this even more difficult. Whether I was right or wrong did not change how I felt.
I think one of my major personal issues that crosses over into social issues I have with the Christian community in which I function is that people don't say what they feel or what they think so that we all realize that we are sharing common hopes, fears, and anxieties. A few posts ago I wrote more extensively about my feelings of disconnectedness which applies in this situation. This is also wrapped up in my desire and need for accountability that I struggle with as well. When I interact with people and because I have a tendency to actually say what I'm thinking and feeling and am sometimes verbally rebuffed I don't feel like sharing what I'm struggling with. Then I find out later that those same people I was talking with were struggling with the same things too, but didn't say anything.
It's not that I'm saying people aren't genuine, that they aren't real and they don't desire something profound and genuine, what I'm saying is they don't communicate it. I understand that people don't immediately go to deep levels in their relationship, but there needs to be a place where we are who we are. Broken, messy, conflicted, and real. I don't get that from many people regardless of the community in which I look. Not that they aren't there, but maybe they are reticent about opening up for their own conflicted reasons.
I always tell people that the Tanika you see is the Tanika you get, maybe not all of me, but what you are seeing is the genuine me. If you want to learn more please see details inside the package. What I want is for someone to say the same to me about themselves.
Alright this has gone on long enough. As always have a good day and enjoy.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
From the mouths of babes...
My sister sent me this conversation she had with her children. I'm not sure what sparked the conversation. For the record Gina age 9, Daniel age 12, Joshua age 6, Andrew age 1.
Went like this:
Gina: Mommy, what were doctor's offices like in the olden days when you were little? Did you see a real doctor or an intern.
Daniel: Shut up Gina, she's not that old. She's only a little old.
Gina: I'm just saying, back then, real doctor's looked at you, not high school graduates.
Joshua: I remember back in the day, when I was 4, mommy took Andrew to the doctor for an ear infection. They didn't fix him, so we saw an alternative doctor. He was called a chiropractor. He acupunctured Andrew and the ear infection drained out.
Gina: Did you have to pay for that?
Tasha: Yes.
Gina: Why do you have to pay the bill, when the doctor's don't fix you. That's like stealing with permission.
Went like this:
Gina: Mommy, what were doctor's offices like in the olden days when you were little? Did you see a real doctor or an intern.
Daniel: Shut up Gina, she's not that old. She's only a little old.
Gina: I'm just saying, back then, real doctor's looked at you, not high school graduates.
Joshua: I remember back in the day, when I was 4, mommy took Andrew to the doctor for an ear infection. They didn't fix him, so we saw an alternative doctor. He was called a chiropractor. He acupunctured Andrew and the ear infection drained out.
Gina: Did you have to pay for that?
Tasha: Yes.
Gina: Why do you have to pay the bill, when the doctor's don't fix you. That's like stealing with permission.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
A Dream Deferred...(meditation)
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore-- And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
-Langston Hughes
About a week ago I was taking the train to Manhattan Beach and while I waited at aviation station I noticed, displayed on transparent plastic were various poems and sayings. In particular the one above titled "A Dream deferred" by Langston Hughes. I read it over and over again. Thinking about the words as I boarded the train. As some of you know I can think about things for days, weeks or even years on end without reaching conclusions. Meditating on deeper meaning, trying to unwrap the shrouded mystery of character, ideology, even perception through prolonged internal struggle to find something concrete.
Last night I was thinking about this poem in conjunction with a scene from the movie "Sixth Sense". I know what you might be thinking at this point. What does a Langston Hughes poem and an M. Night Shyamalan movie have in common? There is a scene where Dr. Malcolm Crowe is talking to the young boy, Cole. He asked him to think about what he wants to get out of the time he is spending with Dr. Crowe. Cole responds, "Instead of something I want, can it be something I don't want?". He proceeds to tell Dr. Crowe he doesn't want to be scared anymore. I was reflecting that this was his dream. Not to be scared anymore.
Sometimes our dreams aren't this inborn need to leave our mark on this earth in hopes that in hundreds of years someone will think, "Man that so and so sure was something!". Maybe our dream is to be happy, to live at peace with ourselves, or finally move on from an oppressive past that won't seem to let us go. What happens to us when that dream is deferred?
Sometimes our dreams are of grandeur, of beauty, or glorious change that we know are impossible, but still hope for in the corners of our mind. If we don't achieve them we are still whole, moving on to something reasonable, that keeps us happy and enriches our lives. What happens to the other people with the inward dreams of personal change? When their dreams are deferred what can they do?
Feel free to share your thoughts. As always have a good day and enjoy.
Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore-- And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
-Langston Hughes
About a week ago I was taking the train to Manhattan Beach and while I waited at aviation station I noticed, displayed on transparent plastic were various poems and sayings. In particular the one above titled "A Dream deferred" by Langston Hughes. I read it over and over again. Thinking about the words as I boarded the train. As some of you know I can think about things for days, weeks or even years on end without reaching conclusions. Meditating on deeper meaning, trying to unwrap the shrouded mystery of character, ideology, even perception through prolonged internal struggle to find something concrete.
Last night I was thinking about this poem in conjunction with a scene from the movie "Sixth Sense". I know what you might be thinking at this point. What does a Langston Hughes poem and an M. Night Shyamalan movie have in common? There is a scene where Dr. Malcolm Crowe is talking to the young boy, Cole. He asked him to think about what he wants to get out of the time he is spending with Dr. Crowe. Cole responds, "Instead of something I want, can it be something I don't want?". He proceeds to tell Dr. Crowe he doesn't want to be scared anymore. I was reflecting that this was his dream. Not to be scared anymore.
Sometimes our dreams aren't this inborn need to leave our mark on this earth in hopes that in hundreds of years someone will think, "Man that so and so sure was something!". Maybe our dream is to be happy, to live at peace with ourselves, or finally move on from an oppressive past that won't seem to let us go. What happens to us when that dream is deferred?
Sometimes our dreams are of grandeur, of beauty, or glorious change that we know are impossible, but still hope for in the corners of our mind. If we don't achieve them we are still whole, moving on to something reasonable, that keeps us happy and enriches our lives. What happens to the other people with the inward dreams of personal change? When their dreams are deferred what can they do?
Feel free to share your thoughts. As always have a good day and enjoy.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
I know I know...
Yes...I'm aware that I was supposed to blog about my Caribbean cruise, but as you can see I have not. I wish I could say I'm sorry about that, but I'm not. I don't feel like blogging about that. I've already talked about it, made a photo album and a mini-scrapbook for my family. I can't take it anymore...for right now. Suffice to say it was nice, good food, sleep and relaxation. I had a holiday romance with a crew member, who was from Croatia and spent a lot of good time with my family.
On another note I was washing clothes tonight reflecting on a conversation I had with a friend this afternoon. I was telling her that as a person who struggles with a nonconformist nature (I still haven't figured out if it's good or bad) I've been feeling out of sorts recently (and by recently I mean for a long time) with the fact that not only do I feel like I'm floating on the outskirts of society in general, but people that I'm around most of the time specifically. I acknowledge openly that I feel differently, think differently and act differently than most of my peers and for that matter people I don't know as well. I was telling her that being different doesn't bother me (at least on the superficial external level) but my perception that most of the people I'm around are SO similar does. It's like about 90% of the people I know are listening to the same station and I can't seem to tune in.
I look at everyone looking and acting the same. Seemingly happy and for the life of me I can't understand how they are all like that without thinking they are a cult or something. Maybe it's just me. But most things I perceive that other people think are important mean less than nothing to me. And since I have a hard time "acting" like I'm interested in something when I'm really not. I usually just continue out of step with everyone. But as I said before they all seem so happy and at the core of me is this nebulous feeling of disconnectedness. Maybe it's just me. If I try to be the way that everyone else is maybe I can seemingly be happy as well.
I try...contrarily sickening myself with this very act of conformity going against my nature. Because I think that if I can just mimic the actions the feelings will follow. But they don't. And all I'm left with is disgust with myself for thinking that it's possible to change who I am inside, mixed with the knowledge that what I am inside will never be like "them". Maybe it's just me.
I reflected on a Jane Austen quote, another nonconformist of her time. In the book Pride and Prejudice Lizzy says to Jane in response to Jane wishing Lizzy could be as happy as she, "Until I have your goodness, I can never have your happiness." I realized what she is saying is that fundamentally we are different. I can never feel the way you do unless I am you and no amount of wishing will change that.
Facing the ultimate realization that my fundamental differences might actually keep me from every feeling a part of something scares me. I'm left with the question: What do I do? Maybe it's just me.
On another note I was washing clothes tonight reflecting on a conversation I had with a friend this afternoon. I was telling her that as a person who struggles with a nonconformist nature (I still haven't figured out if it's good or bad) I've been feeling out of sorts recently (and by recently I mean for a long time) with the fact that not only do I feel like I'm floating on the outskirts of society in general, but people that I'm around most of the time specifically. I acknowledge openly that I feel differently, think differently and act differently than most of my peers and for that matter people I don't know as well. I was telling her that being different doesn't bother me (at least on the superficial external level) but my perception that most of the people I'm around are SO similar does. It's like about 90% of the people I know are listening to the same station and I can't seem to tune in.
I look at everyone looking and acting the same. Seemingly happy and for the life of me I can't understand how they are all like that without thinking they are a cult or something. Maybe it's just me. But most things I perceive that other people think are important mean less than nothing to me. And since I have a hard time "acting" like I'm interested in something when I'm really not. I usually just continue out of step with everyone. But as I said before they all seem so happy and at the core of me is this nebulous feeling of disconnectedness. Maybe it's just me. If I try to be the way that everyone else is maybe I can seemingly be happy as well.
I try...contrarily sickening myself with this very act of conformity going against my nature. Because I think that if I can just mimic the actions the feelings will follow. But they don't. And all I'm left with is disgust with myself for thinking that it's possible to change who I am inside, mixed with the knowledge that what I am inside will never be like "them". Maybe it's just me.
I reflected on a Jane Austen quote, another nonconformist of her time. In the book Pride and Prejudice Lizzy says to Jane in response to Jane wishing Lizzy could be as happy as she, "Until I have your goodness, I can never have your happiness." I realized what she is saying is that fundamentally we are different. I can never feel the way you do unless I am you and no amount of wishing will change that.
Facing the ultimate realization that my fundamental differences might actually keep me from every feeling a part of something scares me. I'm left with the question: What do I do? Maybe it's just me.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Failing...
The other week we were having a conference call at work talking about all the students in the Los Angeles County who would not be receiving a high school diploma this spring because they had failed to pass an algebra class. As a matter of fact the LA Times did a series of articles about the drop out rate of the students at Birmingham High School in Van Nuys, CA. It stirred such a response more than 200 people responded in written form and probably other organizations like the Mathnasium had conferences to discuss what to how we should respond when students in this situation come to us.
The funny part is I was telling someone the other day that when I was growing up I didn't even realize there were people who didn't understand things, for whatever reason. I thought if you were failing a subject it's because you weren't trying or you were skipping school or something. I assumed everyone had the ability to make straight As it was just a matter of settling down and learning the material. As I grow more in the knowledge of people, school districts, math wars, and bureaucracy I find that not only are there students who actually struggle but that institutions as sometimes run in a way that makes it near impossible for students to learn.
Please share your thoughts.
Blactoid: As some people know there used to be separate schools in the United States. Then after the Brown vs. the Board of Education decision they were mandated to integrate. A high school in the same city I went to high school in decided to integrate shortly thereafter. Although it met with resistance, those steps they took paved the way for not only African-Americans having equal access to education, but also other minority groups that had suffered from poor education in understaffed and underfunded schools.
The funny part is I was telling someone the other day that when I was growing up I didn't even realize there were people who didn't understand things, for whatever reason. I thought if you were failing a subject it's because you weren't trying or you were skipping school or something. I assumed everyone had the ability to make straight As it was just a matter of settling down and learning the material. As I grow more in the knowledge of people, school districts, math wars, and bureaucracy I find that not only are there students who actually struggle but that institutions as sometimes run in a way that makes it near impossible for students to learn.
Please share your thoughts.
Blactoid: As some people know there used to be separate schools in the United States. Then after the Brown vs. the Board of Education decision they were mandated to integrate. A high school in the same city I went to high school in decided to integrate shortly thereafter. Although it met with resistance, those steps they took paved the way for not only African-Americans having equal access to education, but also other minority groups that had suffered from poor education in understaffed and underfunded schools.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
What is wrong with you?!?
I just realized that I'm so sick of dumb band names that are supposed to be "hep" or edgy. Like Atreyu, I'm sorry but that just isn't gonna do it for me. It's the name of a 10 year old boy who's horse died in Never Ending Story. Or Aiden or any other annoying name that people think sounds cool but actually is just annoying. I'm not the only one who thinks this. Someone else has actually collect a list of dumb band names. I wouldn't go so far as to collect them. What would that say about me, but now that someone has can someone please tell me what's going on.
Whatever happend to just going by your name like Dave Matthews Band or Shakira. I mean we can't all be Prince (who by the way must be in possession of the ring of power because he hasn't aged a day since 1982) with a symbol for a name or artist formerly known as. If your music is good you shouldn't have to try to make your name "edgey" or whatever it is those people think they are doing. But I guess what it all comes down to is recognition that leads to fame that leads to money. *sigh ...
Why is art always to suffer?
As always have a good name and enjoy.
Whatever happend to just going by your name like Dave Matthews Band or Shakira. I mean we can't all be Prince (who by the way must be in possession of the ring of power because he hasn't aged a day since 1982) with a symbol for a name or artist formerly known as. If your music is good you shouldn't have to try to make your name "edgey" or whatever it is those people think they are doing. But I guess what it all comes down to is recognition that leads to fame that leads to money. *sigh ...
Why is art always to suffer?
As always have a good name and enjoy.
Monday, February 13, 2006
...it's like a disco with books...
today as I started my business class at the local community college I was reflecting on a Chris Rock comedy routine where he was saying that after he got a GED someone had the nerve to say "Now you can go to college" He said, you can't go to college with a GED. The only college you can go to is community college. Basically that community college is like a disco with books. Why is it called community college...because anybody from the community can go there, drug dealers crackheads you name it.
Although I didn't particularly see any people of that description it is a new experience for me and I look forward to the interaction I will have with the professor and my classmates. Of course my professor is a sassy black woman. So I get to deal with that 2 days a week at 8 am. If anyone knows me the adjective that describes me least at 8am is sassy. I'm hard pressed to be sassy at 11 am. She made us do this exercise this morning where we walked past each other looking at the ground. Then again while making eye contact. Then again while touching on the shoulder and making eye contact, and finally eye contact and shaking hands. The last person you shook hands with was your new friend. My friend was Steve. He's like me. Works, but is going back to learn more about business.
I'm actually looking forward to the semester. I've been thinking of ways to meet more people that I normally wouldn't, but in an atmosphere I want to be in as well. So now I know Steve. There are some talkative girls in the class, but the teacher put them on lock so that shouldn't be a problem.
As always have a good day and enjoy.
Although I didn't particularly see any people of that description it is a new experience for me and I look forward to the interaction I will have with the professor and my classmates. Of course my professor is a sassy black woman. So I get to deal with that 2 days a week at 8 am. If anyone knows me the adjective that describes me least at 8am is sassy. I'm hard pressed to be sassy at 11 am. She made us do this exercise this morning where we walked past each other looking at the ground. Then again while making eye contact. Then again while touching on the shoulder and making eye contact, and finally eye contact and shaking hands. The last person you shook hands with was your new friend. My friend was Steve. He's like me. Works, but is going back to learn more about business.
I'm actually looking forward to the semester. I've been thinking of ways to meet more people that I normally wouldn't, but in an atmosphere I want to be in as well. So now I know Steve. There are some talkative girls in the class, but the teacher put them on lock so that shouldn't be a problem.
As always have a good day and enjoy.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Argh!!!
So I haven't posted for a while. That is for one of two reasons. Either so much has been happening I don't have time to think straight or nothing has been happening and I don't want you guys to think I'm a loser. I like to think it's the former, more likely it's the latter.
Well...this past week has been stressful and if you know why then I don't have to tell you. If you don't know why then do you really want me to have to relive all that hassle and trauma all over again? Wow I didn't know you could be so heartless :)
Well is it sufficient to tell you that I'm going through detox from taking some pretty strong narcotics since Sunday and I think I'm going through withdrawal? Ok is it sufficient to tell you that my boss made me promise to call and request permission should I choose to die?
I guess I should have posted about all the cool things that are going to happen before now. Like I'm taking a business class starting February 13th or I was planning on taking up a spot of tennis for exercise purposes. Or how I want to take up hot salsa dancing after my business class is over. Now my mind is over shadowed either by the drugs or circumstances. Well in an attempt to amuse and inform at the same time I have been "ill" these past couple of days the nature of which I don't think the likes of the internet is ready for. Suffice to say it did involve the need for heavy medication of which I no longer wish to take hence the self inflicted detox.
Other than that things are going going ok here in the deep south of Culver City. As always have a good day and enjoy.
Well...this past week has been stressful and if you know why then I don't have to tell you. If you don't know why then do you really want me to have to relive all that hassle and trauma all over again? Wow I didn't know you could be so heartless :)
Well is it sufficient to tell you that I'm going through detox from taking some pretty strong narcotics since Sunday and I think I'm going through withdrawal? Ok is it sufficient to tell you that my boss made me promise to call and request permission should I choose to die?
I guess I should have posted about all the cool things that are going to happen before now. Like I'm taking a business class starting February 13th or I was planning on taking up a spot of tennis for exercise purposes. Or how I want to take up hot salsa dancing after my business class is over. Now my mind is over shadowed either by the drugs or circumstances. Well in an attempt to amuse and inform at the same time I have been "ill" these past couple of days the nature of which I don't think the likes of the internet is ready for. Suffice to say it did involve the need for heavy medication of which I no longer wish to take hence the self inflicted detox.
Other than that things are going going ok here in the deep south of Culver City. As always have a good day and enjoy.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Munich
I went to see Munich last night with some friends and I definitely found it a traumatizing and somehow uplifting experience. Much like Syriana I'm fairly certain that this movie will win some awards it's already nominated for 2 Golden Globes and except for a crying scene Eric Bana gives an Oscar worthy performance. On a side note it has an incredible soundtrack and I'm not just saying that because I love the 70's. Whether you like the movie or not there is no denying that it is an extremely provoking piece of work. The movie is based on actual events that took place at the 1972 Olympics in Munich, Germany, so I feel that I'm not going to give too much away by talking about the movie.
We were a little late getting into the theatre (due to E/B/CST) so we missed the first couple of minutes of the movie. So although I didn't see what happened in the very beginning the movie was designed so that it wasn't necessary. One thing I especially liked about this movie was how, throughout the film, they showed the sequence of events that took place at the '72 Olympics through the reflections of the main character Avner. You watch the metamorphosis of this character who's first motivations where home, family, and nationality turn into a confusion of bitterness and anger towards his enemies, his country, and even himself, finally ending in no motivation and even paranoia. Another interesting theme throughout this film was that of family. The Israeli government convinces Avner that what he must do, is not just for his immediate family, but for all Jews who are part of the same family. Another character, Robert, points out that what unifies the Jews is and separates them from everyone else is that above all they should be righteous and how could what they were doing be righteous? (A loss of the sense of family?) It was a very thought provoking film where the events that inspired it are still playing themselves out in the Middle East. Last night I dreamed I was a Palestinian refugee in Israel, it was a very different point of view to look at things from since I generally view things from the Israeli side.
I definitely recommend this film, with one stipulation. It is rated R, and trust me it's for a reason namely graphic (and I might add realistic) violence, sexual content, nudity, drug content, and language. I would love to dialogue with anyone who has seen the film or just wants to talk about the film so please comment. As always have a good day and enjoy.
Monday, December 19, 2005
'Tis the season to be jolly?
"I don't know if I can live with myself anymore."
"God, I just want some peace. Is that too much to ask?"
"My mind makes me sick."
"I don't know how much more of this I can take."
These are all phrase I've heard over the past couple of weeks as the holiday season fast approaches. For most as the year draws to a close and holiday plans loom on the horizon, it's a time of celebration and being with the people you love. You make plans, give gifts, and eat your weight in turkey. But for a large part of the population it can be a very lonely or even depressing time.
I had the benefit of riding the bus home from the northern most regions of "The Valley" for about 4 hours on Sunday morning and I got the chance to observe quite a few people both inside the bus, walking down the street, and driving in cars. I went through a variety of neighborhoods with varying socioeconomic status. The common thread I saw in all the people I observed was that quite a few of them looked upset, depressed, and even angry.
I was looking at an article today about the depression people suffer at this time of year. And the thing that has been on my mind the past couple of days is what can I do about this. As some of you know I'm obsessed with what I can do to fix what I perceive as problems. And I realized I can't really change anyone's life. But what I can do and what I think a lot of others can do is be aware of people you come into contact with that might be struggling at this time of year and maybe you can have a positive impact in their lives by taking an active, honest interest in how they are doing.
During the holiday season we spend most of our time trying to give tangible gifts, things that you can measure with monetary value. Even volunteering and helping the needy. I think one of the greatest gifts we can give someone is our time, love, compassion, and understanding of their needs emotionally and spiritually as well as physically.
As always have a good day and enjoy.
"God, I just want some peace. Is that too much to ask?"
"My mind makes me sick."
"I don't know how much more of this I can take."
These are all phrase I've heard over the past couple of weeks as the holiday season fast approaches. For most as the year draws to a close and holiday plans loom on the horizon, it's a time of celebration and being with the people you love. You make plans, give gifts, and eat your weight in turkey. But for a large part of the population it can be a very lonely or even depressing time.
I had the benefit of riding the bus home from the northern most regions of "The Valley" for about 4 hours on Sunday morning and I got the chance to observe quite a few people both inside the bus, walking down the street, and driving in cars. I went through a variety of neighborhoods with varying socioeconomic status. The common thread I saw in all the people I observed was that quite a few of them looked upset, depressed, and even angry.
I was looking at an article today about the depression people suffer at this time of year. And the thing that has been on my mind the past couple of days is what can I do about this. As some of you know I'm obsessed with what I can do to fix what I perceive as problems. And I realized I can't really change anyone's life. But what I can do and what I think a lot of others can do is be aware of people you come into contact with that might be struggling at this time of year and maybe you can have a positive impact in their lives by taking an active, honest interest in how they are doing.
During the holiday season we spend most of our time trying to give tangible gifts, things that you can measure with monetary value. Even volunteering and helping the needy. I think one of the greatest gifts we can give someone is our time, love, compassion, and understanding of their needs emotionally and spiritually as well as physically.
As always have a good day and enjoy.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Kounterfeit Kids
I was watching the news this morning and saw a truly amazing story. They were talking about just busting open a money counterfeiting ring...but the the kicker was that everyone involved was in the fourth grade. I was like what?!?!
Apparently the lunch lady became suspicious when a couple of the 4th graders paid for their lunches with 20 dollar bills. Hmmmm...seems fine to me. Upon closer examination apparently the bills had some "jagged edges" which led the lunch lady to bring in the authorities. Apparently one of the 4th graders printed them up on his home computer and they cut them out. Talk about a class project.
I saw the bills on television this morning and they were pretty darn close. If it wasn't for the jagged edges I wouldn't have been able to tell the difference. And to think, you should have your fine motor skills such as cutting perfected by the 4th grade. I guess those kids didn't pay enough attention in kindergarten. I'm just kidding around. But seriously in the 4th grade I was trying to buy things with fake money that's how clueless I was. These kids are out there making fake C-notes. What does that tell you about our American educational system.
Please feel free to share your comments. As always have a good day and enjoy.
Monday, December 12, 2005
The Chronicles
The other night I had the wonderful privilege of going to the premiere of the Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the witch and the wardrobe at the El Capitain theatre in Hollywood. I have to admit I was a little afraid that the movie wouldn't live up to my expectations and that the glitz and glamour of Hollywood would overshadow the movie that I and others were looking forward to enjoying. Between the wonderful setting, VIP seats, the snow that fell on us the pre-movie show and the complementary drinks and popcorn I became more and more nervous that they were putting on this big production in order to cover up the fact that they were going to do a botched job on the movie. I couldn't have been more wrong.Although some people, like myself worry about whether Hollywood can do justice to a much beloved novel and author as I feel they deserve, as a fan and an avid movie goer I'm always interested in another persons interpretation of something to see if they are true to what was originally intended or if they come away with the same things I did. And even if they didn't that's ok because at least they have opened the eyes of others to looking at something they may never have thought about and giving others an opportunity of discovering or rediscovering C.S. Lewis.
As I said earlier in the post they definitely did an excellent job with this film. I must admit that though I've read C.S. Lewis recently it wasn't any of the Chronicles of Narnia. I actually haven't read them for about 15 (almost) 16 years. But as I watched the film pieces of my memory came alive and I started to enjoy it more and more as the film progressed. They definitely stayed true to the heart of the film and I have to admit that I was deeply moved by the portrayal of this time honored classic. I won't discuss the film in any detail here in case you want to see it for yourself, but I would like to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it and I think you will as well.
I would also like to share a funny comment a man made as I was leaving the theatre. He said that he wasn't expecting such a strong Christian theme in the movie. I couldn't help bursting out in hysterical laughter because I was thinking don't you have a clue about the Chronicles of Narnia, did you watch the trailer, do you even know who C.S. Lewis is. It's comments like those that make Lewis fans think everyone else is equally as ignorant of Lewis' works, but I don't think that's the case at least as far as the movie is concerned.
As always have a good day and enjoy.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Phew!!!
Man has it been a long time since my last post. I've had a lot of false starts and half hearted attempts, but the truth of the matter is. I've been busy. Busy....what busy...I know you are all thinking the same thing. Tanika doesn't have a life how in the world is she busy. Well I'll tell you I've found things to do to occupy my time.
But truth be known. I've been a little bit sick, a little busy, and a little bit lazy so that all culminated in me not posting for a while. But now I'm back. There are so many things I want to say that I won't even attempt to except to let slip out that I have a new crush in life (as usual) and life is looking up. Or rather I have an old crush who I've re-crushed kinda like orange crush soda. In a way.
Please no blog speculations or I'll have to remove them. I'll give you a hint. He isn't 4 feet tall.
-The Cheeky Madame
But truth be known. I've been a little bit sick, a little busy, and a little bit lazy so that all culminated in me not posting for a while. But now I'm back. There are so many things I want to say that I won't even attempt to except to let slip out that I have a new crush in life (as usual) and life is looking up. Or rather I have an old crush who I've re-crushed kinda like orange crush soda. In a way.
Please no blog speculations or I'll have to remove them. I'll give you a hint. He isn't 4 feet tall.
-The Cheeky Madame
Thursday, November 10, 2005
A New way to spell evil...I-K-E-A!
As you can tell from the title I've had a small quibble as it were, with a very popular company that I sometimes refer to as "Oh it's Swedish for ugly!". Just kidding, but seriously just because I don't enjoy the overly angular and sometimes not apparently functional designs that have resulted in Ikea's undeniable financial success doesn't mean that their products aren't good. I guess some people just don't have any real sense of style or taste (of course they none of those people wrote this post).
Recently I had to purchase a bookshelf from work, and of course I turn to one of the leaders in cheap furniture...IKEA! I happen to be one of the "fortunate" souls that lives relatively close to 3 different Ikeas so I have a choice of where I can go and I also live within range of getting a delivery. Thinking that like any other major international company Ikea had it's delivery policy at least to a certain level of competence. I couldn't be more wrong. I ordered a bookshelf about a month ago at this point. Last week Ikea sent me an email saying due to an incredible volume of orders they weren't able to process mine. So what does that mean...they have to REprocess my order. Then they proceed to tell me that I won't get my order for another 3 weeks and oh by the way we are gonna slap a 90 dollar shipping fee on the 10 mile drive we have to make to deliver it to your office. I couldn't have been happier.
Ikea you get a big raspberry from me!!! Sorry about all the ranting posts these days. Blame it on the lack of ergonomically designed furniture in my office. As always have a good day and enjoy. ;)
Recently I had to purchase a bookshelf from work, and of course I turn to one of the leaders in cheap furniture...IKEA! I happen to be one of the "fortunate" souls that lives relatively close to 3 different Ikeas so I have a choice of where I can go and I also live within range of getting a delivery. Thinking that like any other major international company Ikea had it's delivery policy at least to a certain level of competence. I couldn't be more wrong. I ordered a bookshelf about a month ago at this point. Last week Ikea sent me an email saying due to an incredible volume of orders they weren't able to process mine. So what does that mean...they have to REprocess my order. Then they proceed to tell me that I won't get my order for another 3 weeks and oh by the way we are gonna slap a 90 dollar shipping fee on the 10 mile drive we have to make to deliver it to your office. I couldn't have been happier.
Ikea you get a big raspberry from me!!! Sorry about all the ranting posts these days. Blame it on the lack of ergonomically designed furniture in my office. As always have a good day and enjoy. ;)
Friday, November 04, 2005
Why I hate NCLB...
*Views expressed in this blog entry belong soley to those of the author.
First for those of you who don't know what NCLB means it's No Child Left Behind a federally funded (there's the first problem) program that was designed to help make school systems more accountable (there's the second problem) for making sure that students are able to learn the curriculum (again here's the third problem).
Why would I refer to these as problems you might ask? Well were anything is federally funded you are guaranteed to find a bureaucratic nightmare, second the only way a school system has any hopes of being held accountable is where parents take an active interest/role in the educational process, and finally majority of public school curriculum is horrific (mild understatement).
Basically it's money the gov't gives the school system in hopes that it will get to the children who need it and help make sure they have a quality education. How can this possibly be wrong one might think. Well...
What you might not know is that after the funds have been distributed to the school system it is up to the school syster to determine how they distribute the funds to each school and how much per child. Well if you think nothing can go wrong with that then...well...you're just crazy. One local school district (I'll call Podunk Unified School District, PUSD) PUSD decided to hire consultants to figure out the best way to distribute the funds because they were to bass ackwards to figure it out for themselves. Well instead of each child in an approved school getting $1600 a year to spend on supplemental education services they are getting less than $800. A big raspberry to you PUSD! What in the world can you get with $800 dollars over a 9 month period? That's less than a hundred dollars a month! You can barely feed a child let alone buy them educational services they desperately need. And a program that is designed to allow a district like PUSD to rip off these children must be inherently evil in my opinion.
But this isn't the real reason I hate NCLB, but trust me it's coming...the biggest evil is the very system itself not the amount of damage that is done every year to students when too much money and too much stupidity meet to create inefficient, inept, and ineffective spending of gov't funds. But what the program does is give money to schools where students aren't making yearly academic progress for more than 2 years. That doesn't sound too bad right? Wrong...the moment the school does a little bit better they pull the funding. The reason the kids were able to do better in the first place is because of the funding now they have to get sucked back down into the quagmire that is public education and almost drown again before they are offered assistance. It's like you're getting paid for doing bad.
PUSD: Uncle Sam we need money to help pay for educational services and supplies, Johnny uses a coloring book in his English class.
Uncle Sam: Talk to me next year when he's using toilet paper instead.
Unfortunately the problem is helped by PUSD being so unorganized and incapable. The hardest task really falls on the teachers who are expected to teach 5 years worth of material in 6 months without the proper tools or resources.
That's all I have to say about that. Sorry about the rant, but the recent work I've been doing with local school districts is enough to make anyone lose it once in a while.
As always have a good day and enjoy.
First for those of you who don't know what NCLB means it's No Child Left Behind a federally funded (there's the first problem) program that was designed to help make school systems more accountable (there's the second problem) for making sure that students are able to learn the curriculum (again here's the third problem).
Why would I refer to these as problems you might ask? Well were anything is federally funded you are guaranteed to find a bureaucratic nightmare, second the only way a school system has any hopes of being held accountable is where parents take an active interest/role in the educational process, and finally majority of public school curriculum is horrific (mild understatement).
Basically it's money the gov't gives the school system in hopes that it will get to the children who need it and help make sure they have a quality education. How can this possibly be wrong one might think. Well...
What you might not know is that after the funds have been distributed to the school system it is up to the school syster to determine how they distribute the funds to each school and how much per child. Well if you think nothing can go wrong with that then...well...you're just crazy. One local school district (I'll call Podunk Unified School District, PUSD) PUSD decided to hire consultants to figure out the best way to distribute the funds because they were to bass ackwards to figure it out for themselves. Well instead of each child in an approved school getting $1600 a year to spend on supplemental education services they are getting less than $800. A big raspberry to you PUSD! What in the world can you get with $800 dollars over a 9 month period? That's less than a hundred dollars a month! You can barely feed a child let alone buy them educational services they desperately need. And a program that is designed to allow a district like PUSD to rip off these children must be inherently evil in my opinion.
But this isn't the real reason I hate NCLB, but trust me it's coming...the biggest evil is the very system itself not the amount of damage that is done every year to students when too much money and too much stupidity meet to create inefficient, inept, and ineffective spending of gov't funds. But what the program does is give money to schools where students aren't making yearly academic progress for more than 2 years. That doesn't sound too bad right? Wrong...the moment the school does a little bit better they pull the funding. The reason the kids were able to do better in the first place is because of the funding now they have to get sucked back down into the quagmire that is public education and almost drown again before they are offered assistance. It's like you're getting paid for doing bad.
PUSD: Uncle Sam we need money to help pay for educational services and supplies, Johnny uses a coloring book in his English class.
Uncle Sam: Talk to me next year when he's using toilet paper instead.
Unfortunately the problem is helped by PUSD being so unorganized and incapable. The hardest task really falls on the teachers who are expected to teach 5 years worth of material in 6 months without the proper tools or resources.
That's all I have to say about that. Sorry about the rant, but the recent work I've been doing with local school districts is enough to make anyone lose it once in a while.
As always have a good day and enjoy.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
The Evans-English Dictionary and other Oddisms...(Revised Edition)
As many of you know my family is famous for either makig up or using phrases that don't make sense and need explanation so I decided to write the first every Evans-English Dictionary to explain our terms. (this is by no means comprehensive) I'll try to use everything in a sentence if possible.
Subject- Better Circumstances
"Comin' up"- to come into a better situation or circumstance.
e.g. Tanika came up (is comin' up), she just got a new job paying good money.
"Layin' on full"- to be doing well either socially, physically, spirtually and especially economically e.g. I know you layin' on full could you loan me a couple of dollars 'til my check come.
"Doin' it big"- doing very well and flaunting it.
e.g. - Uh oh, Tanika's doin' it big, look at her new clothes, those must be Burberry.
Subject - Getting Crazy
"Wilin' out"- to get wild and crazy and do something you wouldn't normally do.
e.g. I'm wilin' out tonight, it's been a long week and I feel like getting crazy.
Subject- Just plain crazy
"Cockeyed Lily" - Someone who has the ability to see in all directions at once because her eyes face different directions.
e.g. I'm Cockeyed Lily, do something behind my back and I'll tell you what it was.
"Dangyball" - an object that is hanging on the end of a string or something of that nature you don't know the name of.
e.g. You have a a dangyball at the back of your throat. OR This woman looked silly today because she didn't know she had a blue dangyball hanging on the back of her dress.
"Snacky Wackys" - the art of adding a y to the ends of words and then repeating the word with a w on the front. So instead of Snack you say snacky wacky or instead of cheese you say cheesy weesy. Used primarily to make yourself sound insane.
"Baby Hair" - the nappy hair at the edge of your scalp you claim is "good hair" i.e. not nappy. You attempt to smooth with gel to make it look "cuite".
"Kitchen" - the back of head (scalp) were naps like to collect.
"Peas" - naps that collect in your kitchen
"Baby Fat" - the gut...oops I meant bare midriff women are determined to show off to the world. Called baby fat for much the same reason it's called "baby hair" in an attempt to make it seem cute when in actual fact it's grotesque.
"Bonkydown" - Any sort of crazy dance you do that expresses your happiness, franticness (word?) 0r insanity
e.g. Tasha was so excited after she won the contest she did the bonkydown.
That's it for the dictionary right now I have to get back to work, but I'd like to leave you with just a litte more crazy.
Crazy nicknames:
My family likes to give nicknames to people that have nothing to do with their real names for example:
Eric - nickname Nuknuk
Andrew - nickname Bonky
Joshua - nickames Jouwoo, Sheboum, Beobutt etc
Tasha - Fafamama
Daniel - Yahyoh
Brianne - Beh
William -Woo, B, Baby Woo
Grandad - (my father) Poopah
But if you think those are crazy you should hear some of the names of my sisters friends or little kids that my mom has taught
-Tiffaniqua
-Jemarkio
-Zjhyvoriah (silent Z)
-R'mani
-Genora
If you have any interesting saying or funny names please feel free to share. As always have a good day and enjoy.
Subject- Better Circumstances
"Comin' up"- to come into a better situation or circumstance.
e.g. Tanika came up (is comin' up), she just got a new job paying good money.
"Layin' on full"- to be doing well either socially, physically, spirtually and especially economically e.g. I know you layin' on full could you loan me a couple of dollars 'til my check come.
"Doin' it big"- doing very well and flaunting it.
e.g. - Uh oh, Tanika's doin' it big, look at her new clothes, those must be Burberry.
Subject - Getting Crazy
"Wilin' out"- to get wild and crazy and do something you wouldn't normally do.
e.g. I'm wilin' out tonight, it's been a long week and I feel like getting crazy.
Subject- Just plain crazy
"Cockeyed Lily" - Someone who has the ability to see in all directions at once because her eyes face different directions.
e.g. I'm Cockeyed Lily, do something behind my back and I'll tell you what it was.
"Dangyball" - an object that is hanging on the end of a string or something of that nature you don't know the name of.
e.g. You have a a dangyball at the back of your throat. OR This woman looked silly today because she didn't know she had a blue dangyball hanging on the back of her dress.
"Snacky Wackys" - the art of adding a y to the ends of words and then repeating the word with a w on the front. So instead of Snack you say snacky wacky or instead of cheese you say cheesy weesy. Used primarily to make yourself sound insane.
"Baby Hair" - the nappy hair at the edge of your scalp you claim is "good hair" i.e. not nappy. You attempt to smooth with gel to make it look "cuite".
"Kitchen" - the back of head (scalp) were naps like to collect.
"Peas" - naps that collect in your kitchen
"Baby Fat" - the gut...oops I meant bare midriff women are determined to show off to the world. Called baby fat for much the same reason it's called "baby hair" in an attempt to make it seem cute when in actual fact it's grotesque.
"Bonkydown" - Any sort of crazy dance you do that expresses your happiness, franticness (word?) 0r insanity
e.g. Tasha was so excited after she won the contest she did the bonkydown.
That's it for the dictionary right now I have to get back to work, but I'd like to leave you with just a litte more crazy.
Crazy nicknames:
My family likes to give nicknames to people that have nothing to do with their real names for example:
Eric - nickname Nuknuk
Andrew - nickname Bonky
Joshua - nickames Jouwoo, Sheboum, Beobutt etc
Tasha - Fafamama
Daniel - Yahyoh
Brianne - Beh
William -Woo, B, Baby Woo
Grandad - (my father) Poopah
But if you think those are crazy you should hear some of the names of my sisters friends or little kids that my mom has taught
-Tiffaniqua
-Jemarkio
-Zjhyvoriah (silent Z)
-R'mani
-Genora
If you have any interesting saying or funny names please feel free to share. As always have a good day and enjoy.
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